


Barcelona (It was the first time that we met)

by cigarettesandalcohol



Category: Football RPF, Men's Football RPF, Sports RPF
Genre: AU - Not Football Players, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Awkwardness, Blow Jobs, Emotional Sex, FC Barcelona, Falling In Love, First Dates, First Meetings, First Time, Forbidden Love, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Luka is a mess, M/M, Minor Violence, Non-Explicit Sex, Past Relationship(s), Real Madrid CF, Sexual Tension, Social Anxiety, Suba is there to save the day, Swearing, Texting, implied semi-public blowjob, kind of, oh god they swear all the time, slooooowly getting there
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2019-06-30 13:21:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 62,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15752520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cigarettesandalcohol/pseuds/cigarettesandalcohol
Summary: Luka Modrić, a foreign student in Barcelona, is a Real Madrid fan. He's not a trouble-maker and he's always stayed away from all the hooligans and fights. One day, he goes to a pub to watch the match alone, ends up surrounded by Barcelona fans and things get pretty bad. It could be even worse if it wasn't for one particular Barça fan with a strangely non-Spanish name Ivan.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [【万笛】巴塞罗那](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16635779) by [amorning](https://archiveofourown.org/users/amorning/pseuds/amorning)
  * Translation into Русский available: [Barcelona (It was the first time that we met)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18572134) by [maylinaddams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/maylinaddams/pseuds/maylinaddams), [Oxae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oxae/pseuds/Oxae)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The non-footballers!just-fans!AU is here. 
> 
> Luka, Ivan nor Danijel are football players in this story. They are just fans of this sport. While other players, like Messi, Ronaldo etc. are their heroes, not teammates. The games I'll be describing in this story are not real! I have no idea how football club culture works in Spain, also I don't know how it looks when people there watch the match in a pub so I used my own experiences that are not Spanish.  
> I hope to explain everything concerning this AU in the story, so please, don't be surprised that Luka and Danijel are studying in Spain while being Croatian and in Barcelona while being Real Madrid fans etc...;) They are all like 10 years younger, in their early 20's, while real players are still the same age. Yeah, and this would be something like the season 2016/17? Or 2015/16? Well, Ronaldo is still in Madrid in this story :P
> 
> That's about it for now. I hope you'll enjoy it ;)

"Are you really sure you don't want to go with me?" Luka asked, putting on his white shirt with the name of his favorite player, Gareth Bale, on the back.

"I told you already," Danijel retorted from his bed where he was wrapped in a blanket, holding a thick book with what seemed like thousands of post-it notes, sticking from the sides. "I don't feel well and I need to finish this stupid book if I want to get my project done next week."

"And you call yourself _a fan_? Missing out a match just because of some book and a slight headache?"

"Fuck off, I can still watch it here."

"It's not the same! Here you don't have the people, the atmosphere - "

"Enjoy your atmosphere, I'll enjoy the quiet peaceful afternoon in here, okay?"

Luka shrugged and went to grab the hairbrush from his drawer. 

"Hey, _princesa_ ," Suba called him mockingly. "Don't get your golden locks drawn into a fight, okay? I'd feel bad for letting you go alone."

"I'm not ten, for fuck's sake. I can take care of myself."

He brushed his hair roughly with a few strokes, just for a better feeling, and put the hairbrush back. "Have a nice afternoon, you lazy slob," he taunted Danijel before walking off to the hall.

"I'd smack you but my parents taught me not to hit little girls."

Luka put his head around the door. "Fuck you too, Suba." Then he grinned at his roommate. "Get well soon."

"Enjoy the game. Could you buy something to eat on the way back? I guess we're out of practically everything - if you don't want ramen noodles again."

"Sure."

 

 

The game was a catastrophe in all aspects Luka could think of; no matter _Los Blancos_ scored the first goal. He ordered a beer and sat down at a corner table for two with a nice view of the wall-mounted TV; to his surprise, the pub was not as packed with people as the last time he went there with Suba to watch the Real-Espanyol game. Maybe all the regulars went to the stadium, he thought. Luka would, naturally, want to go watch the match on the stadium as well but his financial status of a foreign student didn't give him much choice. Besides, he'd hate to be on the stadium alone. And Suba, his best friend since childhood, betrayed him today by staying in their rented apartment. Luka much rather preferred all the hustle and bustle of watching the game in a local pub.

There were fans of both teams, watching the game together yet divided by the colors of their shirts and scarfs; the pub was a neutral place, not favoring either club, naturally, there were more fans in red and blue jerseys, chanting the silly _la-la-_ laaaa lines every time their team had the ball. Luka loved this atmosphere, it was better than sitting slouched on a couch alone, snacking, and not even having the balls to shout "GOAAAAL!" into the silence of their peaceful neighborhood on the edge of the city; plus he respected the opposing team, he never doubted their abilities. He didn't respect Barça fans quite as much but he definitely was not looking for any sorts of trouble, especially when they were the home fans.

He ordered another beer when Barcelona equalized; the bartender almost couldn't hear him over the _culés_ shouting  _MESSI MESSI_ as a sign of admiration for the author of the equalizer.

 _1-1_.

Luka was a passionate fan of his team, though he rarely got carried away by emotions. Sometimes, he just threw his hands in the air after some totally burnt chance, and sometimes he just sighed in frustration, sometimes he joined the other fans in white who started yelling at the TV screen as soon as one of Madrid players made an attempt on breaking away and running to the Barca net solo.

 "Pass it there! _PASS IT THERE_! Jesus Christ is he blind?"

 "They bought him for fucking millions and he can't even run!"

"He's good enough just to keep the bench warm."

"He should have passed it - !"

Luka was just nodding most of the time, sipping from his beer, closing his eyes nervously when Barça players got too close to scoring yet another goal.

 _2-1_ for the home team.

Some of the red and blue fans started mocking the ones in white.

_Got your return tickets, Madridiots?_

 It was nothing special, though the faces of some Madrid fans were turning red in both anger and embarrassment. 

 _2-1_ in the half-time was not that bad, though Luka had to admit he wasn't enjoying the game much. Madrid looked half-dead, the players were too slow, and there were not many beautiful combinations.

 He sighed and went for another beer. 

_One goal, just one more goal, is it too much to ask?_

 The Catalan singing and chanting were still louder and more obnoxious as the game continued. 

 _3-1_.

 _For fuck's sake_. The defense was terrible that day. Was there even any?

All the blaugranas seemed to be standing between the tables, taking each other around the shoulders and jumping to the chant _Madridista_ qui _no_ boti!

The numbers of the white sector, which was naturally created in the beginning in one corner of the pub, thinned. It was clear that this game was lost even when there were still a couple of minutes left; Suba wrote him a message " _Now I'm really glad I did not go with you :P_ " and Luka did not even answer. He was annoyed and disappointed- this would have been a beautiful game, and of course, a beautiful win for Real, while he was a bunch of Barcelona retards, laughing at him and the other Madrid fans from across the room, and a pouring ending to this prestigious match.  
He drank the rest of his third beer and went to the bathroom, some idiot in a red and blue shirt shoved him in the door while spitting _"- fuckin losers!_ " into his face. Luka swallowed his pride, did not say a thing and waited politely for the guy to leave.

When he got back, it was all over. The Barcelona fans were all on their feet, singing, and the last few supporters in white were trying to get through the crowded room to the door. Luka returned to his table to finish his beer, but as soon as he sat down to do so, he could hear someone shouting: " _Stand up for the anthem! Stand up you little fucker_!"

Luka knew the words of Barça anthem and he could understand them even now, sung with all the drunken joy and pride and with very unsynchronized clapping.

It wasn't _his_ anthem though. He wasn't looking for trouble but he didn't feel like letting others tell him what to do either. He wasn't going to listen to some drunkards, he still had his pride, although today's match was pitiful. He actually felt quite proud, being the last one left in the pub wearing the white shirt, there was something romantic about it - the last soldier standing and _all that shit_.

 He got up and walked to the bar counter again. " _Another one, please."_ The bartender looked at him with a surprised look but didn't say anything.

"Hey! He's not _ours_ , don't give him anything. Fuck off, mate!" somebody shouted and it was followed by a roaring laughter from seemingly anyone. The bartender started to calm down the situation: "Guys, guys, no fighting, okay?" while tapping the beer. He handed it to Luka and took the money from him. "Cheers."

" _To Barça! Hey! Respect the winner! To Barça_!"

Luka was not losing his patience, although there was a certain voice back in his head telling him to do something stupidly provocative, like drinking to the future victory of Los Blancos right in front of them; instead he just muttered "I'll rather go out," under his breath and made his way to the door, taking his beer to drink it in front of the pub.

" _Come back, you fucking coward; come back and say it loud_! _Say it to the winners' faces, come on_!"

"Choke on it."

He stepped out of the pub and took a breath of a fairly cool evening air, it felt refreshing after more than two hours spent inside, and a light dizziness reminded him of having the fourth beer.

" - _the fuck did you say_?" an angry voice behind him asked and Luka knew he would regret turning around the moment he did.


	2. Chapter 2

Ivan Rakitić had all reasons to be happy that evening; his beloved club has just won another great match against that shitty white team and thanks to the score 3-1 he was on the winning side of the bet he and his friends had made before - those who had guessed this exact score were drinking on the losing side's expense tonight. Not that Ivan would actually need this sponsorship; he was usually the one paying for his friends so this just felt as a nice and welcoming change, though he was sure that next time he'll be the spendthrift again.

"Can you believe that? Messi - ! He's just - unbelievable! How could he even score that? That's just some fucking magic, he's not - he's not from this planet!" David, standing right next to him, babbled with eyes fixed on the TV screen which was just showing the slow motion of the second goal. "Look at that!" he insisted, pulling Ivan's hand and pointing at the screen. "He barely even touches it - fucking  _abracadabra_ \- "

Ivan smiled; David has definitely had _one too many_.

"Let's have another round!" somebody suggested, and Ivan joined the others in an approving " _yeeeeah_!"

 There was a strange noise coming from outside, and they all at once turned their heads to the window.

 " _What the fuck are they doing there_?"

"Jesus Christ, there's Diego."

"Who's the - "

"Shit, it's that Madrid fanboy."

David burst out in a laugh. "He had it coming!"

Ivan squinted, trying to recognize the faces of the people who were surrounding the small guy. "They should just leave him alone, it's his own fault he supports such a shit team."

"Hey, this is getting interesting - " 

 They all held their breath as the scene outside the window turned violent in a second; the muffled shouting and angry yelling were cut short by one of the Barça guys punching the long-haired boy right in his face.

" _Ouch_ ," David commented and a few other lads laughed nervously. The TV was still showing the highlights of the match but nobody could care less.

"Fuck, he's bleeding."

"Shouldn't have stayed here - "

"He looks like he's fifteen!" Ivan blurted out and made a hasty move to the door. He felt all the eyes were on him. "You wanna get in some deep shit for that?" he yelled as soon as he opened the door.

They didn't hear him over their own voices, shouting into the boy's face while one of the guys held him by his hair and neck and another one took his beer and poured it all over his head, which was met by cheering and even louder clamor. " _Drink it up, Madrid bitch, and get the fuck off_."

"Hey! You want someone to call the police or what? Let go of him!" Ivan ran straight into the huddle and started pushing the guys away from each other. "You heard me?"

 This time, they did, and Ivan was surprised to learn that he was energetic enough to make them listen.

"This fucking bitch has to pay - "

"He disrespected our colors!"

"Told us to go fuck ourselves - _us_! _We're the fucking home team_!" one of the guys that Ivan didn't even know screamed, pushing the Madridista so roughly he tripped upon the curb and fell on the pavement, looking even more like a child.

"Just leave him alone."

"What the fuck, Ivan, I thought you're more fun," Diego growled and spat on the ground in disgust before following the other hooligans back inside the pub.

_Fun?_

He looked at the boy with number 11 on his back, sitting on the ground in a very uncomfortable slouched position. His shirt was torn and all wet from the beer they poured on him, as well as his dark blonde hair.

"Are you fucking crazy? Parading here like an idiot in this shirt?"

He got no answer, the guy was pressing the root of his nose between two fingers; there was blood running down to his upper lip, smudging around it so he looked even more miserable than he was.

"Hey! Can you hear me?"

He nodded, still not looking up.

Well, _if the mountain will not come to Muhammad_... Ivan crouched down and touched the Madridista's face, which made him yank in pain and try to look away but Ivan didn't let him.

"Are you alright?" he asked, sounding even more concerned than he intended too.

The guy definitely wasn't as young as he appeared to be from afar; it was just his small body and bony arms that made him look like a teenager but he had to be at least a few years older than that.

"Yeah."

"Wait here, okay? I'll be back in a minute." He gave him a light pat on his shoulder, got up and disappeared inside the pub.

 _Fucking culés_. _Fucking bastards - of course, they attack in groups - pičke - they don't know any better - jebeni debili -_

He stood up with difficulty, the whole right side of his body hurt from the repetitive punches and there was a warm feeling on his lips, it was the blood that was running down from his nose. _Fuck_ , he needed to get out of there as soon as possible, who knows what that guy who told him to stay had on his mind.

" _Where_ the _fuck are you going_?"

Why there were constantly people screaming at him today? 

He looked over his shoulder, smudging some of the blood from his chin on the sleeve, and saw the blonde Barça guy, striding closer and trying to catch up with him. "I told you to wait." 

"Yeah."

"Can you say anything else than _yeah_?"

"Leave me alone," Luka muttered, taking longer steps.

"Take this. Cover that disgrace," Ivan laughed, practically jogging at a very slow pace next to him, and wrapped his jacket around the smaller guy. "Hey, stand still," he suddenly stopped and grabbed Luka's hand, forcing him to stop as well. "Where the hell are you running to? I'm not gonna kill you. My friends - they get a bit carried away sometimes, you know - but you have to admit Barça was better today."

Luka sneered, unamused, looking anywhere else but his savior.

 "Listen, you need to at least wash your face. You can't go anywhere with all that blood and - and _this shirt_. Come on, put on the jacket. There's a public restroom just around the corner, you can get yourself clean there."

There wasn't even a hint of mockery in his voice, he sounded sincere, which made Luka finally look in his eyes.

 They were smiling, his _damned_ green eyes were smiling softly, with a care that Luka would never expect from anyone else than a very close friend or a family member.

 _Why?_ he wanted to shout.  _Why are you looking at me like that_? _What have I done to you, why are you here, what is this - and where is my anger_?

He couldn't resist anymore. He couldn't spit out a harsh " _Choke on it_ " or " _Go fuck yourself_ " like he did a while ago, he couldn't find his voice, no, not against those eyes that were gazing at him with such confident tenderness.

 "Come on," the guy finally spoke again, "put on the jacket."

Luka obeyed, though he couldn't take his eyes off the guy; he was half-expecting some betrayal, a sneaky change of expression or even a quick move of his hand to punch him once again but nothing like that happened; the guy calmly stood by, waiting for him to put on his jacket and zip it.

"Much better," he smiled proudly. 

Luka felt extremely uncomfortable, leather jackets were not exactly _his thing_ , and this one was too big for him, hanging on his tiny frame, which was annoying itself, plus it smelled strange, and Luka knew he would soil it; he walked with his head bowed and with his hands slowly sliding inside the jacket sleeves until only his fingertips could be seen. He actually felt like a child in an adult's suit.

"It's right over there - "

 _Ah_ , the good old public toilet, Luka couldn't remember when was the last time he visited a place like this, a proper public bathroom with the _oh-so-charming_  toilet attendant, the one who looks the same in all parts of the world. She put down her magazine, gave them both a suspicious look, shook her head and went back to reading as the taller man pushed Luka further into the bathroom.

"Rinse your mouth," he instructed Luka and turned on the water in one of the three available sinks. Luka watched his back in the striped shirt and didn't make a move. "Hey, I don't have the whole night for this." He stepped away to make more room for Luka. "Get your face clean. You can't walk the streets like that."

Luka did as he was told, filling his mouth with the cool water and spitting it out into the sing, mixed with his own blood. When he straightened, his eyes met Ivan's in the mirror. 

"I'm Luka," he spoke, and as soon as the words left his mouth, he wanted to slap himself; _why the fuck did he just say that?_

"Ivan," the taller man smiled and handed him a couple of paper towels. "Take some of them with you if you start bleeding again."

"Why do _you_ care?"

"I don't need anyone to call the police on my friends - I know they're assholes sometimes but they've been through quite a lot of trouble and - I just can't let them fuck up big time now."

"What are you, their caretaker?"

"Kind of."

"Don't worry," Luka said as he threw the used towels in the bin. "I'm not a crybaby. I can deal with problems on my own."

"Yeah, sure, I saw that," Ivan laughed. "See - this is why our kit is better than yours - the fucking blood and dirt is so noticeable on white."

"I'm a fan, not a fucking fashion designer," Luka mumbled. Ivan was right though; his _Bale shirt_ was practically destroyed. Not only torn by one of the assholes but also damp from the beer and stained with blood and some dirt - _his beloved shirt_ - 

"I'm sorry they did this - " 

"This was the first thing I bought when we landed in Madrid," Luka said quietly, holding the damaged cloth between his fingers. 

"Landed? So you're not from Spain? Your accent is a bit - _weird_ \- to be honest."

"Well, _your name_ is _weird_ for a Spanish guy," Luka answered with a questioning glance. "I'm Croatian. I only study here."

"Croatian?" Ivan's face lit up. "My parents are from there."

Of all the odd things that have happened in the last half an hour, this was the least strange. "Really?"

"Yes! So - you're studying here? In Barcelona?"

"Yeah."

"A fucking Real Madrid fan from Croatia studying in Barcelona?" Ivan laughed in disbelief. "You're a madman."

"It's not my fault! I wanted to go study abroad with my best friend but his university doesn't have a partnership with the Madrid one so - we kind of ended up in here. _Involuntarily_."

"He's a Madridista like you?" Ivan asked.

"A Madridista like me," Luka sighed with a faint smile.

"This is - this is really crazy, man."

It truly was, Luka felt the same way. It was crazy he was in the public toilet, talking to someone whom he met like twenty minutes ago, with his leather jacket on, and feeling quite comfortable. This couldn't be real.

"You know what?" Ivan asked, raising his eyebrows. "Gimme that shirt. You can't go anywhere in it. I'll give you mine."

"I don't _want_ your shirt," Luka frowned, looking at the carmine-blue stripes. 

"You _need_ it. You'll get yourself killed if you walk outside like that tonight. And I want my jacket back. Come on." He began to take off his shirt, not even waiting for Luka's answer. "Plus we can pretend," he started as he was pulling it over his head, "we're the players exchanging their jerseys after the match."

"Umh...yeah. Okay - but... I'll go - " He nodded towards the stall and smiled awkwardly.

"What, are you afraid? I won't bite you," he heard Ivan laugh as he was closing the door behind him. "I'm not Suaréz."

"No, it's just... I don't really know. I don't want to...be half-naked in here."

"Okay."

Luka took off his shirt - or whatever was left of it. _I'm so sorry, Gareth_ , he thought, running his fingers over the letters of the name. _This was not planned. I still love you. And I'm sorry you're going to end up in some Barça fan's hands. I'll buy a new one, I promise. The perfect one._

_I swear._

_They'll pay for this one day._

"Ready to become a Barça fan?" the cheerful voice from the outside called.

"Never!" he yelled back and tossed the white shirt over the stall door. He heard Ivan laugh.

At this very moment, he realized how stupid he probably was - going to a place like this with a _culé_ , and giving him a Madrid shirt practically of his own accord. 

But there he was.

"I'll give you mine if you come out of that stall. That's embarrassing, don't you think? Even rivals should be able to look each other in the eye."

 "Sure."

Luka got out of the stall, not as much because of the _rivalry thing_ that Ivan was talking about, but because he wanted a shirt. _Any shirt_. And when Ivan handed him the Barcelona one, in exchange for his jacket, he felt relieved and disgusted at the same time. At least he had a proper shirt - but what kind of it, the _striped blaugranas one_.

 "Here you go," he commented as soon as Luka pulled the shirt over his head. "You look so much better."

Luka looked down at his new colors. "This is embarrassing."

"Well," Ivan said, putting the leather jacket on his naked torso, "at least you'll get home in one piece."

"Maybe."

"I can guarantee that, at least if you're not a fucking asshole. You have someone to take care of you when you come home, right?"

"Yeah - that one friend I told you about."

"Great. So," Ivan added after a rather awkward pause, "take care. Don't be a dick around the home team and  you might survive."

"Thank you. I mean it, really - thank you a lot."

"Well," Ivan shrugged. "someone needs to give Barça a good name."

"Sure."

"So - have a safe trip home."

"Thanks."

And Ivan was gone. With a faint smile on his face and his messy light blonde hair, he just turned on his heel and left without saying anything else.

It took Luka a few more seconds to realized what exactly has happened.

_Ivan. That tall guy with blonde hair - he's just left._

_Ivan._

_What the fuck is his full name?_

_Ivan, Ivan...Ivan with Croatian parents._ Is that really all?

 

 

"Where the hell have you been? I'm practically dying of hunger here - I guess you were not celebrating - What the fuck was _your_ _Bale_ doing during the game?"

 Luka closed his eyes as soon as he heard Suba scolding him from the other room. _Shit_ , he forgot to buy the food.

_What a day._

"They really didn't deserve to - " Danijel came to the hallway, probably to say it all raw and face-to-face, but stood still as soon as he saw Luka. " _What the fuck_ \- ?"

Luka hanged his keys on the hook by the door and dropped his wallet on the side table.

"What has happened?" Suba rushed to him to take a closer look at his bruised face and cut lower lip. "And _what the fuck_ are you wearing?"

"I can explain everything - "

"Well, I sure hope so." He took his friend my his arm but Luka winced in pain. Suba frowned. "Who did this to you? Those fucking _culés_?"

"Yeah." Luka nodded, hobbling towards the bedroom. Danijel walked by his side, trying to help him. "I can walk by myself, I'm not crippled," Luka grumbled.

"I'm just trying to help. Do you need anything? A bandage, plasters or a drink? I guess you didn't go to the shop - "

"No, sorry, I was too busy."

Danijel chuckled. "Alright. I'll try to find something to eat."

"I'm not even hungry," Luka said as he was slowly sitting down on his bed.

"Yeah, but I am. I'll bring you some water at least. Are you sure you're okay? You should take a bath - you smell like a beer keg."

"They poured the beer on my head," he complained, touching his still damp hair, and Danijel couldn't help but laugh, though he felt genuinely sorry for his friend.

"How did it happen, I mean, what have you done to them?"

"Nothing! I was just sitting there, it was after the match has ended, and I wanted to have another beer, and someone started to tell the bartender to not serve me - he did though, so they all started talking shit, you know... I wanted to drink it in peace so I went out but they followed me and - yeah, they just sort of cornered me - I don't know, six, seven of them?"

" _Typical_ ," Suba snorted.

"Well, you know, they started shouting some of their stupid chants, took my beer and started jumping around, _Madrid, cabrón, saluda al campeon_ and all that, I just wanted to leave - "

He shrugged, not wanting to go into details. 

Danijel was still waiting with raised eyebrows. "And then they gave you one of their shirts to make you convert?"

Luka had to laugh, although it causes him a dull pain in his chest. "There was one guy, I guess their friend? He ran out of the pub and pretty much yelled at them to leave me alone. He seemed to have quite some respect among them. He basically told them to get back their asses back inside and then helped me get back on my feet and all that. And he gave me his shirt so I don't get beaten up somewhere in a bus because _the city is theirs_ , as he said."

"And you gave him yours?"

"Yeah. Well - it was torn and dirty and I'd probably have to throw it away anyway."

Danijel faintly smiled, giving Luka a look of pity. "How do you always get yourself in trouble... Gimme that shirt, I'll fucking burn it."

Luka jerked his head. "No! I mean - it's just a shirt, come on. Don't be so childish, _burning shirts_...what comes next, burning the whole city down?"

Suba crossed his arms over his chest. "They beat you up and you'll wear their shirt?"

"The guy who gave it to me was nice - you know, he saved me. It's not that bad, really. I'll keep it."

"Alright. But take it off anyway, I'll put it in the washing machine. There's blood on it."

"Okay."

Luka took the blue and red shirt and handed it mindlessly to Suba. Then he closed his eyes and threw himself on the bed, not really caring if he'll stain it with the blood that stayed on his skin.

He lay there for a few seconds, maybe minutes; he lost track of time.

" _Luka_?" He opened his eyes lazily; Danijel was standing next to his bed with the shirt in his hands. "You know what? Keep it as it is. It'll remind you to not get into these adventures next time."

He put the crumpled shirt on the bed next to Luka and left.

Luka sighed and sat up, taking the kit of hated colors and unfolding it. Whose shirt was that anyway? He didn't even have time to take a look.

Number 10, Messi; of course it _had to be_ Messi.  _Those culés would be so fucked without him, they can't even_...

He froze for a moment; then a smile spread on his face.

There was a phone number written on the yellow "E" of Messi's name.


	3. Chapter 3

_Hey ;) I was wondering - you said your parents are from Croatia. Which part of it?_

No, too boring.

_Hi._

Not enough.

_Hi, it's Luka here._

That's just stupid.

 _Do you think Messi writes his number_   _on the shirt he gives away_ - 

No.

_I'm glad I got your number so I can thank you once again._

That's dreadful.

_So Barça shirts come with phone numbers on the back now?_

Ivan could easily fire back " _And Madrid ones come with blood and torn_?"

Luka sighed and put his phone down. It's been more than two hours since he came back, and all he was able to do since then was to take a bath, wash the ridiculous beer smell off his hair and praise Suba for finding some canned sauce they bought five weeks ago and cooking it with pasta for dinner; he also praised him for not chiding him _too much_. Now Danijel went back to his finishing his class project and Luka lay in his bed, staring at the ceiling, with the shirt still by his side.

"You wrote to him?" Danijel asked from across the room, still staring in his book.

"No."

"Why?"

He sighed again. "I can't think of anything."

Suba gave him a skeptical look. "What's so hard about it? _Hey, it's me, the one who's ready to fight six guys at once, remember_?"

"Very funny."

"Come on. I should have burnt the shirt, told you so."

"No, no, I'm really glad you saved it for me."

"So what the hell are you waiting for?"

"I don't know what to write! I'm not sure I even want to - Who goes around giving his number to random people he's just met?"

"Maybe he's desperate for a date?"

Luka raised himself on one elbow. "Do I look gay or what?"

"I don't know, I thought you guys have this _gaydar thing_."

"That's bullshit. I mean - we haven't talked about anything that would make him know...Shit," Luka suddenly exhaled, palming his face. " _Shit_."

"What?"

"What if it's not even his number?" He looked at Danijel with a clear desperation in his face. "What if some girl just wrote her number for him on the back of his shirt, as some...joke...or even without him knowing it? Or maybe he didn't have a phone at that moment so she just gave it to him this way? And then he completely forgot and gave the shirt to me..."

"You're overthinking."

"No - it would make much more sense!"

"Why don't you find out then?" Suba shook his head. "What's this mysterious guy's name at least?"

"Ivan."

"See? You smiled."

"What?"

"You smiled as you said his name. Just write _Hi Ivan, it's Luka_."

"That's _stupid_."

"It's just a _greeting_ and your _name_. You know what is stupid? You staring at the screen for ten minutes and not writing a simple message like this."

"I tried to but it's always so dull..."

"You want to write a sonnet or what? Just say hi and move on. If he doesn't answer, it's good. If he does, go on. What the fuck are you even worrying about? He was nice, wasn't he?"

Luka shrugged. "Well - I mean, he looked quite good, tall, blonde - he had nice eyes. Oh and the body - He actually had a very nice body - you know, he took off his shirt and gave it to me and then he put his leather jacket right on his bare torso - "

"Sounds like a bad 1980s porn movie. I don't need the details, thank you very much."

" _Fuck_." Luka licked his dry lips. "He really looked _good_." 

"Then - write - the - fucking - message. You haven't had a date in what, eight months? Since Mario?"

"Yeah." He stared at the wall in silence for another few seconds. "But I don't know if I really want a date with him."

"You'll see. Who knows, maybe he doesn't want a date too. Maybe he's just into texting. Or he'll say this was a momentary lapse of reason from his side. For fuck's sake just write something or I'll do it for you."

"Okay, okay. I know, it's so easy for you to say this, you have a stable relationship and all that shit."

"Well, Antonia and I worked hard to get here."

"Sure. You were just lucky."

"Maybe it's your turn now."

"It never seems to be." He picked up his phone again and chose to write _a new message_. "So? Should I be cheesy? Or just friendly?"

Danijel, who already returned to reading his book, looked at him with a mild annoyance. "Be as sexy as you can," he said flatly.

Luka smiled and started typing.

_So Barça shirts come with phone numbers on the back now?_

He's going to risk Ivan mocking his shirt and team again.

"Sent," he half-whispered. The new number has been added to his contact list as " _Ivan Barcelona_ "

"Should I pop champagne?" Danijel asked and turned a page, seemingly uninterested.

"Not yet." Luka checked the sent message again and placed the phone on his night table. 

He was indeed smiling.


	4. Chapter 4

 Luka slept quite well that night, all the bruises and nosebleed forgotten and for the duration of his blissful sleep even forgiven. He was awaken by the sound of the apartment door slamming, though it was not really loud. He could tell that was Suba who just came back just by the way he hanged the keys on the hanger and walked off to the kitchen. Where the hell has he been?

He reached for the phone but stopped himself looking at the screen. What if Ivan has answered? He looked at the wall clock and put the phone back on the nightstand. He will save it for later, after breakfast. Well, if there is any breakfast at all.

He lay in the bed for a few more minutes, then he heard Danijel walking quietly as he could across the room, which made him smile. Danijel could be an asshole sometimes, with all his sassy remarks and tips, behaving like an all-knowing older brother, but he had a heart of gold and the amount of irony in his words was always balanced by care and love in his actions.

"'morning."

Suba almost jumped at the unexpected voice.

"Hey, sleeping beauty."

"Where have you been?"

"I just went to the shop...you know, the one down the street, to buy some fresh bread and eggs and all that stuff - to make scrambled eggs."

" _Wow_." This definitely didn't sound like their typical breakfast.

"You had a rough day yesterday," Danijel added in explanation to Luka's pleasantly surprised look. "You deserve this. Do you want tomatoes and bacon too? I bought everything."

Luka got out of the bed at the speed of light to follow his friend to the kitchen. "Why can't you be my boyfriend?"

Danijel laughed, taking three tomatoes from the counter to wash them. "Speaking of boyfriends," he turned his head to Luka, who stopped next to him, unsure if or how he should help, "did _he_ answer to your message?"

Luka blushed and quickly grabbed one of the eggs from the box and started to play with it. "I don't know."

"What?"

"I haven't checked it yet."

"Why?"

"I just...want to look forward to it - to seeing and reading it for the first time."

"Jesus Christ."

 "I'll check it later. And thanks for this."

They talked through almost whole breakfast but Luka couldn't really concentrate, his mind was already wandering somewhere else, fixed at the thoughts of seeing the possible notification on his phone.

_You have 1 new message. From: Ivan Barcelona._

He could barely wait until breakfast was over. Then he just walked back to his bedroom in the most casual way possible. As soon as he was there, he grabbed the phone to look back at the locked screen and - 

\- there was no new message at all.

His heart stopped.

 _What?_ a voice inside his head screamed. _Why? How?_

He opened his own sent message.

_So Barça shirts come with phone numbers on the back now?_

It looked dull and stupid and sad without an answer. He just wanted to throw the phone out of the window.

"So?" Danijel asked, standing in the doorway.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"No answer." Luka looked at his best friend with a smile that could barely hide the sadness behind his eyes. Why did it hurt so bad? Was his pride hurt? Did he become a victim of a bad Barcelona fans' joke? Or was it actually someone else's number? 

"Luka, come here." Danijel opened his arms and made a few small steps towards him: "He'll answer. You'll see."

Luka accepted the silent invitation for a hug and buried his head in Suba's shoulder. "It's been fourteen hours," he mumbled.

"Maybe he's still asleep. They probably had a long night, you know."

"He had to see it yesterday - "

"Maybe he's just not as fixed on his phone."

"Maybe it's not his number at all. Or maybe it is and it was all just a fucking joke, a bet between him and his stupid friends, and now they're all laughing their asses off - "

"You don't believe it yourself, do you?"

Luka sighed, stepping away, looking at the floor. "I don't know."

 "Just give him more time. Don't think about it. Leave the phone here, let's do something that keeps you busy for a while. You can clean this fucking room. Read a book, go shopping, I don't know, go to church  It's the first advent weekend, make a list of Christmas presents if you want to - or just lie here and watch porn, I'll go. _Jesus Christ_ , just find something to care about, something else than the stupid message, okay? It'll come when you least expect it." His passionate speech ended with a much softer "Do you _really_ care that much?"

Luka shook his head. "It was all too nice to be true, right?"

"What the fuck are you talking about? Come on, I'll let you read my paper for the political art seminar. _Socialist realism in Eastern Europe and its reflection of everyday life_. You'll forget everything."

 

 

Suba was right, as usual - keeping his mind busy prevented Luka from the tightening feeling in his chest, although there still was a dull pain, although barely noticeable when he didn't think about it. The phone was lying on his night table, forgotten. Luka read Danijel's work, highlighted some of the grammar mistakes; he still worked pretty much as an editor for Danijel's not-always-grammatically-correct Spanish, about which Danijel usually complained ( _I learned fucking French language for years to study in France, you're the one who dragged me along in here, so you better make sure my French looks Spanish_!) He also took his friend's advice seriously and started making a list of books he needs to read during the Christmas break, after all, the end of the winter term was getting closer every day. He would forget about lunch completely; Danijel brought him some of the pasta that was left of yesterday dinner and smiled approvingly at the mess of papers and lists that Luka had all around him.

"See? It's easy."

It took Luka a few seconds to realize what was that supposed to mean - then, his eyes turned automatically towards the nightstand. A freezing cold spread around his heart and his fingertips were suddenly numb - _God, will looking at his damned phone make him anxious now_?

"What's wrong?"

"I don't think I can look at it."

"Do you want me to do that for you?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me - "

"Yes or no?"

"Yes." Luka practically pulled his head between his shoulders as he said it. He looked terrified, not ready for the answer, as Danijel went across the room and took the phone in his hand.

"Well - " Danijel looked at the phone and shrugged, not making it much easier for Luka. "You better see it yourself."

"Is it - ?" Luka reached out his hand and took the phone from his friend.

Oh.

_Oh, God._

_Ivan Barcelona: Hey! ;) I'm glad you_...

The rest of the message couldn't be seen on the screen, so Luka opened the full view of it.

_Hey! ;) I'm glad you didn't think it was too cheeky to give you my number like that. Sorry again for what my friends did yesterday. Maybe I could make it up to you?_

 He re-read the last sentence again and again. _Maybe I could make it up to you? Maybe I could make it up to you? Maybe I could..._

"He definitely could," Luka said aloud, smiling at the screen.

Just then, he noticed Danijel standing next to him with crossed arms and amused look on his face in an unspoken _I-told-you-so_ gesture.

"He answered, _he really did_! He's out there somewhere, he's real, you know? He took his time to answer - "

"He gave you the number in the first place. What did you think, that he'd ignore you now?"

 "He's _real_ ," Luka repeated dreamily, grinning at his phone. "He's real but - I don't remember what he looked like - I mean, his face, I can't picture it right - Blond hair - "

"Just ask him what's his full name, for God's sake. You'll find him easily with that," Suba pointed out. "I'm going out, okay? So you can enjoy your conversation with this _Ivan_ in all privacy - "

"No - it's not - I don't want to - "

Suba laughed at Luka's obvious embarrassment. "No, I just need to find something to buy for Antonia and it's gonna be - well, _interesting_. Yeah, and my parents want some souvenirs, you know, postcards and magnets and all this shit, so I guess it's a shopping spree for this afternoon." He patted Luka's head protectively. "Don't get yourself in trouble today for a change, right? I'll buy some takeaway for dinner. Hopefully, I won't make some _culé_ want to exchange shirts with me - "

" _Oh shut up._ " 


	5. Chapter 5

"You haven't even moved since I left, have you?"

"Yeah," Luka mumbled in response, probably not even knowing or caring about what Danijel has just said. He was sitting on his bed, leaning back against the wall, staring at his phone.

"I got something for us - " Suba tapped his fingers on the pizza box he was holding in the other hand. "It's the one with shrimps and we're ruined now  - But I couldn't resist." He took his shoes off and went to the bedroom, carrying the box with one hand. " _Delivery for Mr. Modrić_!"

 His friend looked at him with bland and sad eyes that made him look like a kicked puppy; Danijel was too used to that and it only made him sigh and roll his eyes: "What the fuck is wrong _this time_?"

Luka showed the phone screen to him. "Look at it - I found his Instagram - "

"Jesus Christ, a guy with an Instagram account?" Suba shook his head skeptically, crouching down to see it better.

"I have it too - and you do as well, remember - "

"Yeah but I don't post anything - _Oh God_ ," he laughed at seeing the account. " _Raketa_? What is he, a member of some street gang?"

"It suits his last name - _Rakitić_ ," Luka said defensively.

Suba raised his eyebrows. "Rakitić? You didn't mention you met him at Dalmatia - "

Luka laughed, pleased to inform Danijel about this _small detail_ he forgot to mention yesterday. "He's Croatian - well, his parents are, he was born here."

Danijel nodded his head, suddenly looking more respectful but the respect disappeared as soon as he took a closer look at the account again "What the fuck - what kind of a guy puts his zodiac sign in the _about me_ section - " Danijel changed his voice, mocking the stereotypical gay accent - " _Hi, I'm Ivan but you can call me Raketa! I'm a Pisces and I'm like totally into football because Messi is just soooo cute and Neymar's hair is ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS, like, oh my God, I'll need to tell my hairstylist_ \- "

"Go fuck yourself."

Luka didn't mind the voice, hell, it didn't mean anything, Suba has always been the one standing up for him even back at school in Zadar, when some fuckers just said they won't be in one team with " _this little faggot_ " during P.E. lesson - he was annoyed by Suba mocking _Ivan_.

He, personally, found _Raketa_ 's Instagram interesting and inspiring and - _enviable_. That was the real reason behind his mildly sad state Suba found him in when returning home.

" _The Pisces man has the heart of a poet and the soul of a mystic, thanks to his dreamy water sign_ ," he read from the other browser tab he had opened practically the whole afternoon. 

"So this is what you've been doing for the past six hours? Stalking his Instagram and reading some esoteric bullshit?"

" _Passionate, chivalrous, and thoroughly enchanting, this magical Pisces man is easy to fall in love with_."

"Oh God, here we go. I'll be in the kitchen eating this pizza by myself if you need me in your highly-spiritual mood, okay?"

"Sorry," Luka smiled putting the phone down. He looked at the pizza box with a surprise as if he hadn't even noticed it before. "Wow, what kind is it?"

 "The one with shrimps and parmesan; told you already," Suba said, put the box down on his desk and opened it. The delicious smell filled the room in seconds. "So what else did you learn about this _Raketa_ guy?" he asked, taking one of the slices with him as he went to sit down on his bed, with back leaning against the wall so he would face Luka, who was in the exact same position on the opposite bed.

"He studies economics, I don't know, I think it's even private school? He wrote it's just because of the family firm he'll probably take over one day with his brother, but that it's boring and he's actually not interested in it - "

"That must be a torture," Danijel nodded knowingly; he had his own struggles with  _macroeconomics_.

"He has this one brother who's currently in Greece with some internship I think - "

"Yeah, nice."

"And he lives practically alone because his parents have their own house, closer to the factory where the family firm has its headquarters - they probably are not exactly poor, look at the photos - " He wanted to show Suba the phone screen again but Danijel flipped out his own phone to not have to get up from the comfortable bed. "What's his Instagram name again?"

" _ivanraketa_ "

Danijel chuckled; then there was silence as he looked it up. When he opened the right account, he couldn't help but whistle." _Wow_. That's his car? And the swimming pool? _What the fuck_ \- "

"He looks like a model," Luka moaned, looking at the photos simultaneously with Suba. "Look at that - look at that photo; if you scroll down a bit, it's in the middle; the one where he's with that girl. Who the hell is she?"

"What the fuck do I know - she's hot. Well, she's nothing compared with Antonia of course - "

"But who is she? She can't be a relative, you don't take photos like that with relatives," Luka whined, opening and closing the pic furiously. _Ivan, the guy from yesterday, the guy with beautiful eyes and smile_ , was there in a dark blue shirt with long sleeves, elegant and serious, just with a hint of smile in the corner of his mouth; and a girl, yeah, some girl who looked as generic as any other girl on Instagram, tanned, with round sunglasses and a skirt so short her legs looked twice as long - _who the fuck was she_? The description was not helping much, two emojis - one with the sun and the other with sunglasses.  The post wasn't even four months old.

"He looks quite loaded - well at least if this all is his family's," Suba noted. "What's that family firm? Are they like some political clan or what?

"Just some sweets factory, nothing big, it's a family firm, but quite successful - as it looks." He went back to admiring the one photo - it definitely looked like _a couple photo_. "She looks like the kind of girlfriend he would have - well, her profile is private, so I didn't get anywhere through that. What if she is his girlfriend, or what if she was? Who would leave a girl like that - "

"She could have been his girlfriend - who knows? Come on, what about you and Vanja?"

"I was not _dating her_ \- I only kissed her _once_. That's all. And we never took photos like this."

"Well but what if _he_ dated _her_ and then found out he's...maybe _not just that into her_." Danijel rolled his eyes again and got up to grab another slice of pizza. "I should become a dating advisor - can't you just meet him and ask? Or maybe he will tell you himself, I'd suppose?"

" _I am_ going to meet him," Luka smiled mysteriously.

" _Thank you_ for keeping the most important things to yourself - he asked you out?"

Luka could feel his face heating up. "Well, he asked if he could _make up to me what his friends did_ -and I said _Sure why not?_ \- and he invited me for a coffee. Next Wednesday."

"You're as red as a lobster," Suba laughed. "What's the matter? It goes well, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, very well actually. I don't know. I get this - ticklish feeling around my heart when I see a new message from him - we're on Facebook now and every time I see these three dots, that he's typing - it makes me anxious. In a good way - I mean - it's not a bad feeling. I had to walk around the room like five times just to calm myself down and - "

"You're falling really hard for him, aren't you?"

" _Yeah_. And it scares me because I've never felt like this before. It was different with Mario - "

"Mario was an asshole."

" _Not really_. I know you didn't like him but hey, he was the only gay guy I knew and vice versa. There was just no other way I would ever even have someone. It was a good decision though to move on from that because it just didn't feel right. But now - this feels right, I'm looking at _his_ pictures and it makes me feel - yeah, _like this._ I didn't even know his name thirty hours ago - Now I feel like I could die before Wednesday comes - "

"I can only wonder how to make a put-together person out of you in three days."

"It's not that bad," Luka protested. 

 _"_ You'll be alright. You can start by having some of that freaking pizza that cost me like three lunches, okay? Can you spend at least five precious minutes by taking care of yourself? Or is he writing to you right now?"

"No, he's not. We stopped chatting an hour ago but I - I had to reread the messages."

"You're actually quite adorable, you know?"

 "He wrote that he's looking forward to meeting me _in better circumstances_."

"You can only hope he doesn't come wearing another _blaugrana_ shirt."

"I wouldn't mind, I'd just rip it off of him - "

And Suba, being the good ally he was, rolled his eyes for the third time that day.


	6. Chapter 6

The café that Ivan has chosen was a decent place, somewhat bohemian, with a dark wooden floor and many sofas and armchairs to sit on, and with at least four different bookshelves to choose books from. It was definitely NOT a place that Luka would expect from someone like Ivan - then, again, he remembered that he didn't _actually_ know him at all and judging him only from his Instagram and Facebook posts was probably shallow. Still, he'd see Ivan more as a  _bar_ , not a _café kind of guy._

Naturally, he was nervous. He's been very fidgety since the morning and throughout all the three lectures he had that day, unable to even concentrate on the discussed subjects. When he met up with Danijel for a lunch, he found out he has no money for the cafeteria and instead of enjoying a relaxing break, he had to run to the nearest ATM to collect some money, dragging Danijel along.

"Everything's falling apart _already_ ," he hissed nervously as he waited by the machine. "This day is _a disaster_."

"I told you I can lend you some money - "

Luka shook his head. "I'd still need some for the café later anyway, so....it really doesn't matter now." He collected the money from the machine, waiting for the receipt to be printed.

"I thought he invited you?"

"Well, I don't expect him to pay for me - " He took the small paper and looked at it with disgust. "Although it would be nice - to not go into debt."

"What?" Danijel took the receipt from him without asking and checked the numbers. "Oh."

"I guess I'll have to find a job in January. Or I'll emotionally blackmail my parents to give me more money during the Christmas break." 

"We'll look at the job offer. I'd need some extra money as well."

"Alright."

 He wasn't even sure _where exactly_ the café of their meeting was situated, and he was terrified of not being able to find the place. In the end, he arrived ten minutes earlier but decided to stay outside. What if Ivan was not there yet? What would he do? Sit there awkwardly on his own? He didn't know the place. Should he get a coffee alone? Or tea? Or a drink? Would it be weird? He can't just order straight away, without waiting, right? Though he probably can's just sit there without ordering as well. Oh God. Why? Why didn't they agree to meet somewhere...outside? That's how he did it with Mario, so they would always go everywhere together. Fuck. Fuck. Why didn't he get drunk beforehand so he wouldn't mind the embarrassment? He walked back and forth, looking at the phone to check the time regularly. Still, there were eight minutes left. He walked around the block. Twice. _Three minutes left_. For fuck's sake, what has he done? Why is he even here? Isn't this all just some surrealistic shit?

He imagined this could be a good moment for a last, nerves-calming cigarette, but unfortunately, he was not a smoker.

Instead, he took a couple more steps. Alright. _Deep breath - and in we go_ , he thought. 

Ivan was sitting in one of the armchairs already, smiling at him as he walked through the half.-empty café.

Is he going to stand up? Is he going to...shake my hand? Or hug me? What do we do? Stressful thoughts ran through his mind as he was approaching the blonde man who somewhat appeared to be preparing to _really_ stand up to greet him. Luka sand to the other armchair, not giving him a chance.

"Hi," he smiled, eyes darting around as he was just getting used to the place.

"Hi, Luka." Ivan's soft laugh made him finally look him in the eye. "What the hell were you doing out there?"

 Oh. Just when he thought it couldn't get much worse.

"You could have come inside, you don't need to be _exactly_ on time. I was here with my friends before so I decided to stay and wait for you. I was reading but - you were quite amusing to watch - "  _Why did he look like_ _he was enjoying making fun of him?_

Fortunately, a deliverance in the form of a waitress came.

"I'll have gin and tonic," Ivan said, smiling at her.

Luka, being still a bit confused and indecisive as always, just said: "Yeah, me too." When she left, he finally managed to form a full sentence. "That's not quite a _café thing_."

"Why? I've had three coffees already today and my insides are shaking; I need something else."

 _Why are we in a café then?_ he wanted to ask but opted for: "And what were you reading?" instead.

"The Godfather."

"Getting ready for that family business?"

"Yeah," Ivan laughed and his smile, wide and showing his perfectly white teeth, lit his whole face up. His eyes were smiling too, and that glow warmed Luka's heart as much as knowing it's him and his lame joke that did this. "I've got something for you," he said with the smile still present on his face, and he reached for his Adidas bag that was on the floor. He wasn't wearing anything special, just jeans and a plain white shirt, and his jacket that Luka has already known well from Sunday was thrown over the back of his armchair; with that bag and casual clothes, he looked like he was just on his way from a training. 

"Here," he pulled out a gift bag and handed it over the coffee table, grinning.

Luka took it, unsure if he's supposed to take it home like this or look inside now, and his puzzled look seemed to amuse Ivan.

The waitress brought them two gin-tonics which got Luka some time to think. A gift? For him? Now? He didn't bring anything. 

"You can look inside, it's not just the bag," Ivan pointed out and Luka did. There was a white shirt inside; he took it to take a better look. 

It was exactly the same shirt he had lost on Sunday, a jersey with number 11 on the back, it even appeared to be the same size.

"You shouldn't have..." his voice broke. 

"I _had to_."

"But I - I got your shirt and I didn't buy you a new one - "

"Hey. It's okay. I gave you mine because I wanted to. You lost yours because my friends are stupid, right? So keep it. In the bag. Please. I can't watch those colors anymore. It's bad enough I went to buy it. It felt like a betrayal. Cheating on my club, you know?"

"Thank you _so much_. I'm - I don't know what to say. You didn't have to buy this - "

"I wanted to."

"But what about your Barça shirt?"

"Hey. It was my decision to give it to you, okay? I'm glad I did. Don't make me regret it."

"But - " He saw the slight annoyance that appeared on Ivan's face with yet another "but". "But why did you...give me your number? And how, I mean...you carry a pen or a marker around all the time?"

Ivan laughed, obviously amused by his nervous voice and careful choice of words. "I asked the toilet attendant. She was solving a sudoku or something, so I asked her if I could just borrow the pen for a moment. That's it."

"But why?" Luka repeated the question that bugged him the most.

"I was worried about you," he shrugged, still smiling. "You looked like you could get into trouble again, I don't know. I just wanted to get a message later to make sure you made it home. And then, maybe - see you again." He reached for the gin and tonic in a tall glass.

"We barely even - knew each other's names - "

"You don't need a name to know someone looks likable, right? Come on, let's drink on this."

"To _a meeting in better conditions_ ," Luka said, raising his glass.

"To El Clásico matches."

Luka smirked. He realized that the anxiety that made him walk around the block like a fool and wait outside, the feeling that has been with him since he agreed to meet Ivan, is suddenly gone. He didn't feel the tension he usually did with people he didn't know well, he was looking at Ivan as if he had known him for months.

 Ivan clinked his glass against Luka's. "Cheers. Or - _živjeli_. Is that right?"

"Živjeli, yes."

They both took a sip of their drinks. 

"So you don't know much Croatian?" Luka asked and put the glass back on the table.

"Almost none. Well, enough to say something to my grandparents but - you know, not much." He took yet another sip as if to gain strength. "I'd like to learn it properly though. Maybe I'd need a good teacher."

Luka could feel his heart melting.


	7. Chapter 7

Danijel was in the middle of a phone call to his girlfriend Antonia when Luka came back home - as soon as Suba spotted him, he smiled instead of a greeting and raised his eyebrows as if to ask _How did it go_? Luka took off his shoes, coming barefoot to the bedroom that was right across from the entrance. He saw that Danijel was busy at the moment, so he just put his gifted paper bag down by the door and gave his friend a shy smile, accompanied by shrugging and spontaneous blushing.

  _Well_...

Danijel shook his head, trying to focus on the phone call, gesturing something as _We'll talk about that in a moment_ before focusing back on the call. "Sorry, sorry - what did you say? Luka just came home - I didn't quite catch the last part - "

Luka smiled and left the bedroom. He always felt lonely when Danijel was on the phone with his girlfriend, and the sadness was especially bad in the first days and weeks when the calls to Antonia were regular every day as if they couldn't actually spend twenty-four hours without hearing each other's voice. It always only reminded him of his own sad love life and the fact that the most called numbers on his phone were his mom's and Suba's.

He checked his messenger - Ivan was online ten hours ago. Damn, his life must be so thrilling and entertaining. He couldn't help but smile as he saw the last message - " _Okay, see you there ;)_ " sent by Ivan this morning after they arranged all the last details of their date.

Their meeting.

Or was it actually - a date?

Luka frowned. It was just a friendly meeting. Probably. And it was still harder and harder to tell the more he thought about the subjects they discussed. They didn't talk about anything strange - they didn't talk about anything that Luka wouldn't discuss with any other guy. Or even a girl. Was it a date then?

They didn't part with a kiss. 

The joyful mood that he brought with himself from the café was gone. Why couldn't he just stay happy for _one fucking evening_? Was it too much to ask? The meeting, the date, the whatever-the-hell-it-was went quite well, maybe except for his own awkward waiting for the appointed hour outside the café. He couldn't think of anything bad he had said, but there must have been something - Jesus, he knew himself, he just had to fuck up some way. Perhaps Ivan was bored. He was expecting something else, something more, maybe? And then he was annoyed and - 

 "So, _lover boy_ ," Suba interrupted his silent self-pitying session by coming to the kitchen with the phone in his hands. "How did it go?" He took a seat at the table, signalizing he's ready to listen to whatever could be on Luka's worried mind.

 Luka sighed, leaning against the kitchen counter with his back and looking at his friend with furrowed eyebrows. " _I don't know_."

"What? You were there, weren't you?"

"Yes - and it went quite well - at least from what I can say. I don't know, maybe he didn't like it but - I certainly enjoyed it and wouldn't mind going on a date like this again. If we are to call it a date. I'm not sure it was actually a date - I don't know what he'd call it - "

"Cut the crap, Luka, I don't give a fuck about what he calls it. How did _you_ like it?"

Luka shrugged, nervously tapping his fingers on the countertop. "I enjoyed it very much but - I don't know, it just - didn't end well I guess?"

 "Why?"

"I think I fucked up?" The intonation at the end of it was a one of a question. 

Danijel looked at him, a puzzled look on his face. "What - why? Jesus Christ, what have you done? Asked him to become a Real Madrid fan or what?"

"We were in this café, okay?"

"Yeah?"

"And we talked for, I don't know, two or three hours. And everything went _so smooth_ , you know? We just talked and talked and it felt really amazing, like - like if I have known him for years. I just felt like I could tell him anything, it was so natural and great. We had three gin and tonics each and we lead a very sophisticated discussion." Danijel chuckled a little but when Luka glanced at him he raised his hands apologetically. "I can't even remember what we talked about but it felt right, you know? We didn't have any awkward silent moments - "

"Yeah, right?"

"And then he said he has to go. He looked genuinely sad to have to leave and he asked me if I'm going home by bus or by metro so he could go with me to the station and - well, as he said, make sure that I am okay."

"What a gentleman - from the 1950s," Danijel added bitterly. "What are you, a ten years old, first time in a big city?"

" _Actually_ , it was really nice that he cared," Luka said defensively. "And so we went to the bus stop."

"Okay, so far it seems like a perfect date - from the past century - to me," Danijel summarized it.

"It was! But then - we were at the bus stop. With some people around, you know, the peak hour and so on - and he started talking about how much he enjoyed it, how nice this meeting was - and I said the same, I really loved it, it was great, we should meet again."

"Well?"

"Well and then, I hugged him."

"Yeah?"

 "I should have kissed him!" Luka cried, throwing his hands in the air theatrically.

"Why? What - what did he say after you hugged him? _Fuck off, I'm not into guys who don't kiss at first date_ or what?"

"No - no, he hugged me back and said he'd love to see me again and we kind of agreed to do so and I just boarded the bus and - we waved goodbye - "

" - as the bus drove into a romantic sunset, oh God, what the fuck are you talking about, Luka? This sounds like a perfect date." Danijel sounded much angrier than he wanted to. "And then you wonder why gay guys are always seen as moany and whiny - _what is wrong with you_? There are no rules for what to do at a date, I thought you're old enough to finally understand that? Didn't I tell you so when we were like....sixteen? I feel like I'm starting to feel sympathy for Mario - "

"But - it should have ended with a kiss!" Luka protested, his usual stubbornness showing. "It was just... _meant to be there_."

"If he wanted the kiss so fucking much, he would have kissed you. Stop being stupid, Luka. You're troubling yourself with shit that's not even _real_. How did you feel on the date?"

"I wouldn't call it a date - "

"Shut up. What was it like? You said you talked without problems and had a great time, right?"

"Yeah - at least that's what _I_ think from _my_ point of view - "

"Good. And he said he'd love to see you again, right?"

"We both kind of agreed on that - "

"Perfect. You know what that means?"

"What?"

"Start saving money for the next date."

 Luka, for the first time now, looked relieved. "I don't have to. He paid for me today and said it's alright, that he'll be glad to do so again - "

"Why are the best guys always gay?" Danijel shrugged, getting up. "Then it's up to you. Make sure to let him know you loved it today. And please - please! - don't - " He stopped, mid-sentence. "Just - don't think. At all. Don't use your head for once. Just write some message, don't check it, just send it straight away."

 Luka smiled ruefully. "You sound like you've done this yourself."

"Hell yes!" Suba laughed. "That's how I wrote Antonia I'm in love with her. See? It works."

 "Worked for you - "

"Trust me. This works for everyone. Come on. Don't try this self-pity on me."

 "But - what am I supposed to write?"

"You are not _supposed to_ write anything," Suba answered, coming closer and grabbing Luka by his shoulders. "You are writing this just because _you want to_. And you can write whatever's on your mind. Tell him how good it was, how glad you are to have met him, how you liked his hair or shoes or whatever, just write the first thing that comes to your mind and throw the phone away and wait for the response. Easy."

"You're a professional in this, huh?"

"Yeah, but at least I learned this all five years ago."

Luka looked at him, ready to acknowledge his defeat. "I'll try to think of something."

He did, much later though, as he was getting ready to go to sleep - all his books and notebooks lying ready on the desk, just to be grabbed in the morning by Luka in hurry, alarm set on 7:30 and the shirt and jeans were thrown over the chair at the desk - Luka crawled under the blanket on his bed, saying "Goodnight" to Suba who was sitting at the opposite bed, lost deep in some TV show he watched on his laptop. He lay on his bed, holding the phone over his face and writing in the fastest way possible.

_I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed it today :) It was so nice meeting you and I hope we can repeat this. Next week, maybe?_

He sent it before he had a chance to re-read it and almost immediately, he heard the sound signalizing that Ivan's online - and just reading his message.

 _Oh, God_. He panicked a little, knowing that somewhere in his luxurious villa - or God knows where - Ivan received this message and immediately opened it to see. 

He originally wanted to go sleep right after he sends this but he couldn't put the phone down; he watched as the three dots danced on the screen, keeping his eyes fixed there, and then he heard a soft buzz and a new message appeared as an answer.

 

_I'm glad you enjoyed it as much as I did._

_next week sounds good_

_though I miss you already_

 

 His cheeks heated up _so quickly_.

 

_I miss you too_

 

Okay, maybe this was the right time to go to sleep. The emotions and feelings of today were all mixing inside him and he couldn't quite tell what was right or wrong now - 

 

_I should have kissed you_

 

God, God, oh God, he actually sent it? He actually sent such a pathetic, miserable, desperate message to a guy whom he has known for less than a week?

_I wish you did <3_

_maybe we can correct the wrongs next week?_

 

That was it. The moment he knew he is totally and hopelessly in love. After four days, 642 messages on Messenger and three gin and tonics, he couldn't deny it. He was in love.

 

_I hope so ;)_

_I'm sorry, I'm so tired_

_Sweet dreams x_

_good night, Luka ♥_

_can't wait to see you in my dreams_

 

"Awww," Luka exclaimed, unable to hold all the feelings inside. He put the phone on his nightstand and caught a glimpse of Suba watching him, amused.

"He is so sweet," he sighed, smiling uncontrollably. "I can't believe he's even real."

"The Pisces man, you know?" Suba mocked him. "Chivalrous and all that shit... Goodnight."

"'night," Luka answered, closing his eyes, still smiling as the words of Ivan's last message repeated themselves in his head.

_Can't wait to see you in my dreams._

He couldn't wait either.


	8. Chapter 8

The intense mutual messaging continued the other day, Luka caught himself ignoring most of the lecture he's been sitting at and checking the light in the upper corner of his phone, signalizing a new message, more than twice in one minute. Ivan was probably the laziest responder he's ever encountered, his messages were appearing at completely random times, he was able to write at six in the morning and then keep him waiting for the next five hours for a freaking smiley emoji as the next message - Luka couldn't be angry at him because back in his mind, Ivan was too busy doing all kinds of exciting and interesting things that he himself would never do and he couldn't be angry at someone for having a full and meaningful life. In his mind, Ivan's day was filled with working out, driving through Barcelona streets in his supercar, shopping at the most expensive malls and probably skinny dipping in his private swimming pool. And if that was exciting to even imagine, how exciting it must have been in real life?

He got back home with a tired mind and heavy eyelids, eyes tired after the whole day of looking at his phone screen. Suba was already there, sitting at the desk with his laptop and with the headphones separating him from reality; he just greeted him and went back to his work - which appeared to be a video of FIFA 18, the game he so desperately wanted to get for Christmas. 

Luka changed his clothes and went to sit on his bed with the phone in his hands, checking the Messenger app once again. Ivan wasn't active for the last two hours and it was driving him crazy, given the subjects they started discussing before. Like dating someone. And kissing. And liking each other.

Okay. _Kissing_. Right. He's done it. Many times. It's okay. He can do it again.

Fuck, but Ivan - he's just - at another level. God knows how many people has  _he_ kissed. 

Yeah...how many people has he kisses? The question seemed to be unavoidably present in Luka's mind. How many people....and how come he's not dating anyone now?

"Should I kiss him right away, when we meet? Like - as a greeting?"

Danijel slowly - _very slowly indeed_ \- stopped the video he's been watching, took off his headphones and turned his head to Luka with a sigh. " _What is it again_?"

"How should I kiss him?" Luka asked, aware of being annoying so he just lowered his voice to keep it tolerable for his friend.

 "What?"

"I mean it will be our first kiss and I want it to be really good and...yeah. At least one first kiss to remember."

"So don't plan it. You can't plan it - why would you do that? It just...happens when the moment is right. As far as I know."

"Well, I don't know about that - " He laughed awkwardly, looking down. "All my first kisses were disastrous. _Both of them_."

Suba laughed, turning his whole body on the swivel chair to Luka. "Even with Mario?"

"We were drunk," Luka shrugged but suddenly froze in the movement, looking quite surprised. "And with Vanja too." The puzzled look on his face made him appear shocked at that thought. "I wouldn't have kissed her if I wasn't. But it's still quite horrid to remember that _that_ was my first kiss ever. Like - real kiss. With Vanja. You know. It's really crazy. I didn't like it at all."

"I thought you always said you were _too drunk to remember_."

"A little bit drunk, yeah, but I still - oh God, I still remember asking myself _Is this really it? The kissing? Is this what all the fuss is about? Jesus Christ, it takes so long, what am I supposed to do? When is it supposed to end? Help!_ " He laughed again, closing his eyes and shaking his head at the memory that would be awkward if it wasn't so funny to him. "I'm a terrible kisser I guess. Even Mario said so."

"But - you know - Mario..." Danijel sighed, not finishing the thought as if Mario was not even worth it. 

 "I would love to be good - for Ivan," Luka said dreamily, leaning the back of his head against the wall behind him.

"I hope you don't expect me to practice kissing with you," Suba responded coldly.

"Of course not."

 " _Phew_ ," Suba exhaled dramatically, wiping the imaginary sweat off his forehead.

 "But I really need help. I don't know what to do."

"As always?"

"Fuck, Suba, I'm being serious here."

"I am as well. You cannot train for kissing, you cannot plan it - maybe if it's just some shitty play or cover-up or if you're both just pretending it and okay with that - but it just happens. It simply is as it is - "

"But how do I know it's supposed to happen?"

"You know it. You sense it or feel it - you can just somehow feel and smell and see it all at once and you know it's time to move on and kiss her - well, him."

"But I'm so bad at this, I always fuck things up - "

"Shut the fuck up, Luka. You won't have much luck with me, pitying yourself. Just ask him how come he's not dating anyone and you can start a whole conversation about your exes... Sounds great, right?" Suba sighed again and stood up. "You should have a shot of vodka and relax a bit."

"Vodka?" Luka smirked as if he'd never tasted it.

"Yeah, vodka. The good old friend. Come on, take your phone and come with me."

They moved to the kitchen where Danijel pulled a bottle of crystal clear vodka from the small freezer that was a part of their already small fridge and reached for the top cabinet to find some glasses but stopped, probably thinking _Fuck that_ and opening the bottle to offer it to his friend just like that, the old traditional way of their nights out when they were younger. "Cheers."

Luka smiled sadly, taking the cold bottle. "I just thought...it would be nice to go through this sober at least once..."

"You're not getting shitfaced, right? It's just for the nerves."

" _Cheers_ ," Luka resigned, bringing the bottle to his lips. He closed his eyes tightly, swallowing two gulps of the drink. "Want some too?" he asked, offering the bottle to Danijel afterward.

"I'm not gonna say no to that - "

 "And then?"

Danijel closed the bottle, putting it back in the fridge. "Now you can go back to your swooning over this guy...what's his name again? _Raketa what_?"

"Ivan Rakitić."

"Right. You can ask him how come he's single, right? That's not something...inappropriate."

 "You're probably right," Luka shrugged.

"Write. The. Fucking. Message."

"Okay, okay... Jesus, don't be so pushy."

"I don't want you to ask me in ten minutes again."

Luka flipped out his phone. "Sorry. So - _How come you don't have a boyfriend_? That sounds too...weird. I mean, it's a very serious question but it doesn't sound so - "

"Just write it and send. Done?"

Luka worked his fingers on the screen, typing as fast as he could. "Yeah."

"Great. Now, you'll know."

"Yeah, but what is it good for?"

"You'll know how many people he can compare you to - and that's always good to know. The best thing to do would be to not give a fuck - but as I see, you're not able to do that so... I guess this will have to do."

"Sorry."

"Don't say sorry to me - " Danijel reached for Luka's head, dragging him closer into a forced hug. "Say sorry to the poor brain cells working so hard in your anxious brain."

"It's not my fault."

 "Just wait and see and don't use this thing - " He poked the top of Luka's head. "For once and then you can kiss the Raketa guy. Easy, eh?"

 "He's so perfect," Luka exhaled, giving in to the hug.

"And you're so obsessed," Danijel said back, sighing. 

 "There's something about him...you know?"

"Bring him here someday."

"So you don't mind he's a Barça fan?"

"Unless he starts singing _Tot el camp_   _és un clam_  I don't really give a fuck."

"What is this called? _Barçaphobia_?" Luka laughed, pulling away from his friend's hug.

" _I'm not really against it...They just don't have to be so obvious_ ," Danijel said, mocking the tone and words of oh-so-many-people Luka has encountered since he came out as gay.

 "We haven't really talked about football since we started texting..."

"That's good. Don't forget the next Clásico is in five months so there's plenty of time for dating before breaking up because of this match."

"Oh," Luka chuckled, his cheeks turning red but it didn't stop Suba's joking.

"In which sector will you two be?"

"Stop it."

"But really - can you imagine dating him?"

"I don't even remember what dating feels like."

 "You should refresh your memory. If someone can put up with your bullshit for a week then it's serious."


	9. Chapter 9

Suddenly, the day of their second meeting came, sooner than Luka expected. He didn't grow beautiful until then, it was still the awkward Croatian with too many teeth and too big nose he saw when he looked in the mirror in the hallway of their apartment as he was getting ready.

_Does this guy even deserve to be kissed?_

He was wearing a white shirt that looked too long for him but it was still the best piece of clothing he had right now. Except for the Gareth Bale shirt, naturally, but that was out of the question. He smoothed his hair, sighing as he realized it just wasn't gonna listen to him and his desperate wish to have (for once at least!) really soft and smooth hair - then another horrid realization struck him. Last time, Ivan brought him a gift. Maybe it was now his turn to give something in return?

"I should have bought something for him," he said, half to his own reflection and half to Suba in the other room.

"Why?"

"He got me the shirt," Luka reminded him, coming to the open bedroom door. Danijel, sitting at the desk with his laptop again, shrugged as if giving shirts to people he barely knew was a completely normal thing. "I don't have anything - What am I gonna give him now?"

"Yourself," Suba chuckled, returning back to his work on the laptop. 

" _Yeah_ ," Luka answered skeptically but couldn't help but smile. "You're staying here this evening?"

"I thought I'd go out with the guys but they still didn't answer so...who knows? I'll be back sooner than you anyway - "

"Who knows?" Luka laughed, and it was him shrugging now. 

"What, you're not planning to throw yourself all over him at once?"

 "I'll see... It's really hard to think about that now."

"So it's hard all of sudden? Weren't you the one stressing over every fucking scenario in your head?"

Luka sighed, nodding. "Sound just like me. But I can't focus on anything now - I guess I'll just see what happens - and hopefully won't fuck up."

"Good luck with that."

"Thanks. Now - how do I look?" 

" _Absolutely fabulous, sweetie_."

 

 He was listening to music during his ride on the bus and mindlessly watching the passing houses and trees behind the window, biting his fingernails nervously and tapping at the window to the rhythm of the song played. This time, they agreed to meet by the Parc de Montjuïc, at a certain bus stop, and Luka's mind was preoccupied with all the possibilities of saying " _Hello_ " right after he'll step out of the bus since it was highly possible that Ivan would be already waiting there.

And yet, when Luka got off the bus at the agreed spot, Ivan was nowhere to be seen. Luka walked up and down the sidewalk, trying to spot the tall blonde guy in the crowds of people passing him or on one of the benches, but had no luck. His already fidgety moves became even more nervous, he started switching the songs on his player, going forward and backward through the list. Maybe he's early? Was it actually six o'clock? Maybe five? Or seven? Maybe Ivan wrote to him - no, no, he would have known, he didn't put the phone away from his hand since he had left the flat. Okay, maybe he's on the wrong bus stop. It happened a couple of times to him, and he's still not perfect in reading the local public transport maps. 

Well, maybe Ivan forgot. 

Maybe he has better things to do. Maybe it's something important. 

Okay, okay, nothing to stress about. The Spanish are known for being a bit...lazy when it comes to arriving on time. He's not Spanish though, _not really_ , by birth, sure, but not by mentality - - - Luka blinked and took a deep breath. Well, there goes his dream of a perfect date. He can write to Danijel and tell him he's gonna be home early. 

The more minutes have passed, the angrier his blinking became. He turned off the music and stuffed the earphones to his jeans pocket while writing a passively aggressive message to Dani. 

 

_Guess who stood me up_

 

He took his eyes off the screen right in time to see Ivan running towards him, making his way through the people heading to the bus stop in an uncompromising manner, and waving at him with a desperately apologetic face.

Without even looking back at the screen, Luka just deleted the whole text.

"Luka - !"

He waved back, watching as Ivan forced his way to him.

"I'm so sorry!"

 And suddenly, he was all over Luka, hugging him tightly and pressing him on his chest, and Luka could feel his furious heartbeat as Ivan was trying to catch his breath.

" - so sorry," he gasped again and Luka froze as he felt a warm touch of soft, burning lips on the side of his head. "It's the fucking traffic - this afternoon - "

 He pulled away - and suddenly, all the frustration in his eyes was gone, and all that stayed was a pure concern and care. "I hope you're not waiting too long."

"No, not at all."

"Great. I really am sorry. I just hoped to park by the Hotel Catalonia but - never mind, it's just a freaking mess over there." He hasn't stopped speaking since he arrived and Luka couldn't get enough of his voice, it was so calming to hear it again, although right now there was nothing more missing from it than calmness.

"And how are you?"

"Good, thanks. I was getting worried - "

Ivan chuckled, wrapping his hand around Luka's back. "You shouldn't be worried about me - I'm just a fucking dumbass who doesn't know how to arrive on time - " Luka didn't react, he couldn't, since his mind was too busy with dealing with the hand that was wrapped around his back. "Sorry, I'm just - really mad because of this. I should have been here like twenty minutes ago."

"That's okay."  _You're worth the wait._ Luka gulped, forming those words in his mind. _Just fucking say it, spit it out, you fucker. YOU'RE FUCKING WORTH THE WAIT. That's all. Simple. Say it. Just say it._

He didn't. Instead, he looked at the ground and at the line of trees that was separating the sidewalk from the park and then at the high building on the other side of the street and at the bus that was passing by - 

"You're a bit nervous, aren't you?" Ivan laughed, and his voice and breath seemed to be back at normal. "Come on, where you wanna go?"

"I don't know - I don't really know many places around here."

"Aren't you cold? Because we could just walk through the park - Have you ever been here? There are quite a few nice spots so if you want to walk - "

"Yeah, that sounds nice."

"Good." Ivan squeezed his shoulder in a happy gesture. "You should see it in summer. It's much better here - with all the trees and flowers blooming - "

 "I hope I'll still be here in summer."

Ah, the good old self-deprecating jokes.

Ivan looked at him with a surprise as they walked slowly to the park, the taller man's hand still wrapped around his back. "What?"

"Well I'm here for one year and I - I hope I can actually stay here the whole time. Like - that they won't send me home. Though I don't know if it's even possible. That would be weird. Oh - just forget it."

 "They can send you home just like that?"

"I don't really know - " He shrugged and at that moment, he could feel Ivan's hand even more. "They probably could - if I was doing something really stupid - "

"That's crazy."

"Well...just normal university things."

"And you're staying at a dorm?"

"No, I'm living with a friend."

"Yeah, I know you said so but - you have like a rented apartment or so?"

"Rented apartment, yeah. Two rooms and a bathroom, nothing large. But it's okay for two guys."

The walked on the cobbled path in between the trees and bushes that were surprisingly green for December.

"And he's - - - ?"

"My best friend. Childhood friend. We went to primary school together and ever since then, we had the luck of studying together. Our families are quite close as well so...he's more like my brother. Or something like that."

Ivan nodded silently. 

 "He has a girlfriend," Luka blurted, not thinking about how weird it had to sound just like that, without any context. "I mean - he's into girls. We're not - we've never been - "

"Yeah, I see," Ivan interrupted him. 

Luka abruptly stopped, making Ivan stop with him. "Sorry but - I really would like to talk about this. I know it's weird but since we don't really know each other - I just need to know this. When I asked you _how come that you are single_ , you only wrote that _it's complicated_ \- and I don't really know how to take that." Ivan nodded again, with eyes fixed to the ground, and Luka could feel his anxiety grow. "I'm sorry - sorry if it's too pushy - or private - I don't mean to disrupt your private affairs - "

 "That's okay," Ivan assured him. "Just some unexpected things happened - that's all."

"That's all?"

"Come on, I want you to see the view from one of the terraces - " Rakitić tried to make him walk on but he got out of his grip.

"Ivan - Ivan, stop - " They stood, face to face, in the middle of the path. "I only want to know - if you are actually single."

"I am," Ivan said almost angrily as if he couldn't believe the insolence of assuming otherwise.

"Okay, okay, I was just asking. Because - I can't imagine what could be so complicated about this - "

 "Just some stupid things, I swear," he answered, obviously not happy with Luka's concern. "I wouldn't do all of this if I wasn't single - "

"I didn't mean to make you angry."

"I'm not angry," Ivan smiled in the most reassuring way, wrapping his hand around Luka's shoulders once again. "How have you been the whole week?"

 "Good, good." Luka quickly nodded. "But I missed you." He dared to look at the taller man by his side, and Ivan's eyes were piercing and soft and lovely as he was watching him with a dim surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Naturally," Luka exhaled, blushing.

"That's nice to hear. Because I missed you too."

Their footsteps sounded almost unacceptable after such words.

"I'm glad you did," Luka admitted, watching the path before his feet.

Ivan chuckled, squeezing his shoulder a bit more in response. "That's the same for me."

"I just - " Luka stopped abruptly, forcing Ivan to do the same. "Couldn't wait to see you."

"Really?"

"I've wanted to kiss you so badly since we parted the last week - "

Luka wasn't sure why or how these words came out of his mouth but they did and there was no way back now. Ivan's face, lit up by his words, was so close to his, he could actually feel all the changes in Ivan's mood and behavior - and right now, his eyebrows went up and the corners of his lips lifted up as well, and he smelled of autumn afternoons and some car freshener -

Luka closed his eyes, knowing this was the moment - _this was it_ - there was only one possible way to end this conversation. His lips parted automatically and then he felt warm, soft lips as Ivan pulled him closer, locking their lips in a kiss that was worth all the awkwardness, all the waiting, and the beating by Ivan's culé friends as well. 

When he kissed Vanja, he was drunk. There was him, drunk and cheerful, willing to do anything at that moment, and there was her, drunk and cheerful, naive and probably in love - and all their friends around, it was at a party, which only made it worse - Luka could still remember the first touch of their lips and his own surprise at how simple it all was. The first moment of surprise was surmounted, and Luka's confused attempts on pulling away were simply stopped by Vanja's hands, holding him firmly in an embrace. He felt lost, confused and disgusted at that moment, wishing it all could just end at once. 

When he kissed Mario, he was drunk. There was him, drunk and horny, _probably_ , and Mario, the tall and mysterious kid from the other class, the one that everyone knew about - just because he was gay. _Mario, Mario, you know, that gay guy_? He always wore a rainbow bracelet and took no bullshit from anyone; that was something Luka always admired. Grabbing him by his short and gel-spiked hair felt much nicer than dumbly holding Vanja's body that he didn't find appealing in the least - but as soon as their lips met, it was all just a mixture of teeth, tongues, and saliva, so much that it was more of a fight than a kiss.

When he kissed Ivan, he was drunk only on the feeling that it was _him_ , the guy who made him go crazy in less than two weeks as if they've known each other for months.

It was the right kiss, soft and warm and hot at the same time, arousing and inviting for more yet still tender and innocent - a kiss filled with promise but not lustful at all - he wanted more, he wanted to taste those lips and feel them for longer - without actually having to force Ivan into anything - no tongue, no teeth, no battle, no fight - _no air_ - 

 " _Exactly like this_ ," he panted as their lips parted, and he went back from tiptoes to his normal standing on full feet.

Ivan was still holding him in his arms, watching him with an unchanged, tender concern and Luka just now realized they're in a public space. His cheeks heated up immediately and he looked to the ground, expecting a wave of late embarrassment - but it didn't come. He felt surprisingly giggly and relaxed.

"What?" Ivan asked, furrowing his brows without actually changing expression. "Are you laughing at me?"

"No," Luka shook his head, taking a deep breath. His lungs seemed to be able to contain much more air now and there was no heavy pain on his shoulders - he was able to breathe again as deeply as he wished. "I just cannot believe this is real."


	10. Chapter 10

"Well, well, well, what do we have here?" Danijel raised his eyebrows at the sight of his friend who just got back with a face shining brighter than the moon on a clear night sky. He was already in his pajamas, getting ready to go to sleep when Luka came home.

"Hey." Luka wasn't able to restrain from giggling even in his voice.

Exactly because of that, Danijel looked at him from head to toe. "Are you drunk?"

"No," Luka shook his head, coming closer. He grabbed Suba's shoulders and despite their height difference, he pulled the taller guy into a tight cheery embrace. "I'm in love," he squealed, trying to get his chin rest on Suba's shoulder. 

"God help us all," Danijel sighed, willingly crouching a bit to make his shoulder more accessible. Luka squeezed him tightly, laughing and not minding his sarcasm at all. Suba patted his back, forcing his way out of the bones-crushing embrace. "So - ?" There was no need to ask a full question; Luka grew used to giving him reports as if he was his guardian.

"So - we kissed."

"Yay," Suba commented, unamused, but his eyes were smiling.

"Not just once - and, it was perfect. It felt natural - like - like I should have never kissed anyone else - it was - " He sighed dreamily, covering his face with hands for a while as in an attempt to put his thoughts together. "It was as natural as breathing. And I realized I needed it just as much - I had to make sure I don't suffocate every few minutes - "

"Is this a poetic way of saying you were stuck on his face the whole time?"

"Practically," Luka chuckled. "No - but really - we talked and walked and didn't really go anywhere, we just walked through the park and bought some food from one of the stands and - you know how everything looks much more beautiful in the night, like when there are street lamps and all this specific atmosphere of a city at night?"

"Yeah?"

"He's just like that - even more beautiful in the dim light of streetlamps..."

"Is our life a bad romcom now?" Suba sighed, unimpressed. "With you as the screenwriter?"

"I don't know - I don't know what's going anymore."

"A successful date then, huh?"

"As far as I know, yes."

"I can hear the church bells ringing already - "

Luka pushed him lightly. " _Shut up_."

Danijel shrugged as if to say - _it's your own fault you don't want to think about it_ \- and then yawned lazily. "I'm going to sleep so - Goodnight. Good _rest of the night_."

"Night. Oh - did you go out with the guys in the end?"

"Yeah, yeah but - it was okay. Just two beers and that's all. Nothing extra." He crawled under the blanket and took his phone to set up alarm for the next morning. "Turn off the lights, please."

"Sure. Goodnight."

 He left the room, switching off the lights as Danijel asked him to, and went to the other room to grab something to eat from the fridge. His eyes were fixed on the phone screen though, even as he opened the fridge and took a jar of some pepper spread he bought recently and that reminded him of ajvar; then he grabbed the last slice of bread that was left in a package on the counter, hoping Danijel will not mind in the morning and went to sit on the couch. 

Ivan was online. That was all that mattered.

 

_I really enjoyed it tonight_

_hope to see you soon again_

 

It took Ivan only a minute to answer.

 

_happy to hear that ;)_

  _can_ _I change your name in this conversation?_

_to what? :D_

 

Ivan Rakitić set your nickname to "Luka ♥"

 

Luka felt as if his heart just made a somersault.

 

_You are unbelievable_

 

_you don't like it?_

_what do you think?_

 

Luka Modrić set your nickname to "Ivan ♥"

 

 

  _Hvala za ovaj večer_

Luka bit his lower lip to refrain from excessive smiling.

 

_is that right?_

_Nema na čemu_

 

How was this guy even real? How could he be? Why didn't he meet him sooner? Where was he all the time he struggled, fought and doubted "true love", and basically _love_ in its whole meaning? Why he had to meet him here, under such circumstances?

 

  _I'll look forward to seeing you_

_Take care_

_How about this Friday? Is that good?_

_Barça is playing on Saturday_

_Friday evening? sounds good_

_guess I'll hope Barça wins_

_just to know that you're happy_

_if you'd like to come and see the match, I can get you a ticket_

_No thanks_

_I'm not changing teams_

_Not even for me?_

_I'd have to think about it_

_I mean - about going there_

_I'll give you all the time you want_

_at least until Saturday, ok?_

 

 

 

Danijel was already half-asleep when he heard a soft shifting sound and then a familiar voice, so overflowing with enthusiasm just a few minutes ago, that now sounded exhausted and almost scared.

"Dani?"

"Mmmh?"

 "I don't think I can live without him."

"Hmmm."

"I know we've known each other only for a few days actually - and we've seen each other three times - I know! - but it hurts - it hurts that I'm not with him right now."

"Yeah."

"I wish I could touch him again - and kiss him - every five minutes, or every minute! - "

Danijel finally opened his eyes, and though at first, the look in them was very sleepy and annoyed, it quickly changed as he raised on his elbow and reached his other hand to touch Luka's forehead without any sign of mockery. "Jesus Christ, you're burning up! I noticed you have glossy eyes but I thought it's just - "

"That's okay - I don't care - "

"Get your ass in the bed before I fucking kill you," Danijel hissed, and there was a firm order in his words. Luka had no other choice than to nod and sheepishly obey, just quickly changing his clothes. He could still feel Danijel's eyes on him - and Suba watched him from across the room even as he got in his bed.

"It still doesn't make me miss _him_ any less," he said, laughing at his own joke.

"You can miss him tomorrow. Get some rest, you don't wanna be sick on Christmas, do you?"

 "Christmas?" Luka's confused voice was equally worrying as it was amusing. 

"Ding dong, it's mid-December."

" _Oh fuck_ ," Luka exhaled, falling back on the mattress. 

"Good night, Luka."

"Do I really have to go home for Christmas?"

"Ask your mother."

"I can't _leave_ now."

"You're coming back in two weeks and there's this little thing called Facebook, oh, and maybe you still remember how we used phones before, you know, for talking to someone who's far away?" Danijel sighed, rolling onto his back.

"Stop making a fool out of me."

"Then stop talking."

 

 

The next morning, Luka woke up with a fever and chills.

"What have I told you?" Danijel said with raised eyebrows after he listened to him complain about his headache. "That's what you get for walking outside in just in a shirt." He came closer to check his temperature with his hand. "You're burning up. Literally."

Luka watched him taking his hand off of his forehead with glassy squinted eyes.

"Wanna measure your temperature?"

Luka shrugged, his body shivering under the duvet.

Danijel brought an old-fashioned thermometer, the only one they had in there. "Take this, I'll make you some tea."

He left for the kitchen and came back after a few minutes with a mug in his hand. "Well?" He put the mug down on the night table and checked the thermometer. "Yeah, thirty-eight and a half. That's not good." He put the thermometer down next to the cup. "Stay here today, okay? Just sleep and relax and don't do anything."

"I could - "

"No. You're staying in today, okay?"

"It's not that bad, really."

" _Okay_?" Suba repeated firmly; leaving Luka with no other way of answering than _Yeah_. "I'll be back in four hours. Enjoy a day off for once. That's what foreign students do anyway."

"When will _you_ take a day off?"

"When I don't need to take care of you anymore - "

"You absolutely don't _need to take care of me_ \- "

" - so never."

 

 

He slept the whole morning through and woke up just as Suba came back from the lectures with a large white plastic bag. "Bought you some chicken soup from that Vietnamese bistro across the street from the faculty - "

Luka blinked, confused and still sleepy. He could feel a mild pain at the back of his throat. He wanted to thank Suba for the care and politely decline since he wasn't hungry at all, but his voice got lost somewhere on its way out; he had to cough to get rid of the lump in his throat before he was able to speak again; even now his voice was scratchy and weak. "Thank you."

"It's not exactly grandma's winter chicken soup to fight the cold," Suba continued, taking the obviously hot cup carefully out of the bag and putting it down on Luka's night table, "but it should do." He looked at the teacup that was still half full. "You haven't even drunk it?"

"I slept the whole time you were away," Luka mumbled, sitting up, still wrapped in the blanket. 

"Did you take any painkillers?"

"No - I slept the whole time."

"Are you feeling better?"

"Less tired, yeah, but I'm still kinda cold and my head hurts - " Suddenly, as if he'd realized how much whiny it sounded, he changed the tone as much as he could and just shook his head: "But overall it's good, I guess I'll be fine by tomorrow."

 "Tomorrow? You don't have, by any chance,a date planned for tomorrow, right?"

"Not for tomorrow. For Friday."

"Nice."

"I'll do everything to be fine on Friday!"

"Eat that soup, drink more tea and take my blanket as well - I'd give you some rakija but I guess that will have to wait until we're back home. I'm not sure if vodka works the same way. And I wouldn't risk it combined with the painkillers." Luka nodded, laughing. He really wasn't feeling as dreadful as he was this morning. "Oh, I'll bring you a spoon for the soup!"

 "Thanks."

When Suba came back with the spoon, he chuckled at something that just popped up in his mind. "Beating by some jerks, love at first sight, then a fucking cold - I guess what else can you get in one month?"

 "I think it's enough for me," Luka nodded, taking the spoon and drowning its tip in the fuming soup. "I'm not asking for more."

"One should have known these Barça fans are infectious as fuck," Danijel added, grinning.

"Hey! It's not _his_ fault."

"Who knows?" Danijel shrugged defensively. "Enjoy your meal."

Luka mumbled something in response, bringing a spoonful of the soup to his lips, but at that moment, his phone, laying on the pillow, buzzed. He put the spoon back, rushing to check what was it for. 

 " _Barça boy_?" Danijel asked innocently, walking to his own bed to lie down and check his phone.

"Of course," Luka said, feeling suddenly much warmer and more comfortable as he opened the newest message from Ivan.

 

_Hi :)_

_how are you today?_

 Luka smiled, writing an answer with one hand while balancing the plastic cup in the other. 

_Hi_

_I caught some cold, so I stayed at home_

_a fine day off ;)_

_Sorry to hear that!_

_I told you it was too cold for that shirt_

_We shouldn't have probably stayed in the park_

_Don't worry about it!_

_I'm fine_

_I have to worry_

_wish you were here with me_

_so I could pull you close and cuddle you until you feel good_

  _oh, I'd like that very much_

_but I'd prefer to get better so we can go out on Friday_

_Yes! I thought of something we could do_

_Really?_

_It's a surprise ;)_

_Okay then :D_

 

_But you need to get better, okay?_

_I'm fine, really_

_I wish I could stop by_

_I just have so much shit to do now_

_But if you feel lonely or sad just write!_

_Or if you need anything_

_or just...if you want_

_okay?_

_Okay_

_Promise me you'll take care of your health_

Luka rolled his eyes, sighing. 

 

_I promise_

_Good_

_Get some rest, Lukita_

_Lukita?_

_you don't mind this nickname?_

_I think it sounds very cute and it suits you really well_

_Nobody has ever called me that_

_Let me be the first one then?_

 

 Ivan ♥ set your nickname to "Lukita".


	11. Chapter 11

On Friday, Luka felt fine and much more relaxed than before the previous dates - though he still wasn't sure if he could call their meeting dates. Ivan never said it was a date. Luka wasn't used to calling these things their appropriate names. When he used to go out with Mario, he called that "going out" and he actually meant _going out_ , going somewhere and doing something, not just walking up and down the paths in a park. Although they went out here as well. And whenever Suba asked him about his Barça boyfriend, he snorted, laughed and shook it off. "He's not my boyfriend." In fact, he thought about that quite a lot. _Barça boyfriend_ sounded cute, though the first word was a god forbidden name - and the second word was not really confirmed. Luka tried to imagine what he would say if asked: "Are you single?"

_No, but I'm currently obsessed with this guy and I'm not really sure where he stands on the question of a relationship. Also, I don't really know when seeing someone turns into a real relationship. Are we supposed to agree on calling each other our boyfriend?_

Thankfully, there weren't exactly many people asking him that.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Danijel asked him as he was dressing up for the big, third date night. "Your voice is still a bit raspy. Have you checked your temperature?"

"No. I'm fine, thanks for your concern."

 "I was just asking," Suba said defensively, shrugging. He smirked, leaning against the doorframe, watching Luka pulling a long-sleeved shirt over his head. "Have you told your parents about this guy already?"

Luka forced his hands into the long sleeves, fighting with its length and with his hair as well. "I haven't. Why - why would I do that? 

 "I don't know - to make them happy?"

"I bet they still secretly hope I'll bring a girl home one day," Luka laughed, not minding this subject. "And say, _mom, dad, this is my girl, we're getting married next week, you can tell everyone you know that your little boy has finally come to senses_ \- " He shook his head, still laughing. "No, I love them. But I'm not sure I should talk about my... _love life._..or more like _love troubles_ with them. They wouldn't even know about Mario if it wasn't for that stupid teacher bitch - "

"I know, I know." Suba knew the story too well - a teacher who saw Luka hugging and kissing another boy in the park next to the school and then made sure everyone in the radius of five kilometers knew - Luka realized just how powerful these spread rumors were when during one lesson of social sciences, the subject of homosexuality and law was brought up and he felt all the eyes fixed on him. And one day, his mother came home slack-jawed because one of her friends whom she met in a shop asked her if it's true that Luka experiments with some sleazy gay stuff. 

That was his coming out. Awkward and messed up, but after all, not terrifying. It all actually seemed amusing now. And his parents were amazing, after all, because they actually listened - shocked and maybe even slightly disappointed - but still, _they listened_. And Danijel, he was there for him and he listened more than anyone else. 

"I don't know, maybe I'll drop some hints during Christmas - but what should I say anyway? I'm not sure what this whole thing is myself."

 "The truth, of course! That you met this Spanish boy who's actually Croatian and things are getting interesting - and you might never come home again because of him."

"Might as well..." Luka giggled, finally satisfied with his appearance - as much as he ever could be. "No, I fucking miss Croatia. The more I travel, the more I can't wait to be back home."

"Does this Rakitić know you're going home for Christmas?"

"I think I told him but... I'm not really sure. I should probably get him a present, right?" He frowned, furrowing his eyebrows in deep thinking. "What are you giving to Antonia?"

"Some makeup she chose, a book and a necklace. Well, she told me exactly what she wants so...it was easy getting it. I also want to take her here in Barcelona but that's not for Christmas...it's for Saint Valentine's Day. Just for a weekend."

"That's nice. But makeup and a necklace? Guess that won't work for me."

"True," Danijel laughed. "Unless he's into some kinky shit."

"It would be fun to find out," Luka winked, laughing at Danijel's annoyed face. "Well?"

"Well?"

"I'm ready to go, what do you think?"

Danijel grabbed him by his shoulder, making him turn around, and eyed him from head to toe. " _Approved_."

 "Wish me luck."

"Why? Is this your big night or what?" Danijel giggled, raising his eyebrows. 

Luka pushed him jokingly as if offended by his words. "He said he has a surprise for me," he mumbled, feeling all soft and warm inside.

"Woah. What else might Mr. Mysterious-and-Good-Looking have up his sleeve?"

"I don't know," Luka shrugged, walking to grab his jacket from the hanger. "But I'm burning to find out."

 

 

 This time, Ivan was already waiting for him, wearing simple jeans and a brown leather jacket which suited him as much as any other piece of clothing that Luka has seen him in so far. His smile lit up upon seeing him rushing near and he stopped pacing on the sidewalk.

"Hey, Lukita!"

The nickname sounded much better than it looked written in a message - there was a specific softness in the suffix _-ita_ that suddenly made his simple and short name "Luka" somehow sweeter and affectionate. 

 His cheeks turned crimson red as the overwhelming softness rolled over him; he just wanted to jump in Ivan's arms and bury his head in his jacket.

 "Hi!"

He wasn't given enough time to think furthermore - Ivan pulled him closer into an embrace that begun and ended with a soft kiss on lips, a kiss that was so fleeting and light Luka wouldn't even notice if it didn't burn on his lips for the next minutes.

"How are you today?" Ivan asked, wrapping his hand around Luka's shoulders and resting it there as he started to walk towards the nearest crossing. "Are you better? I hope you got some rest at least - "

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was just some cold - a few cups of tea and honey and I'm alright."

Ivan squeezed his shoulder. "I'm glad to hear that. Because I have something special for you tonight." His proud smile warmed Luka's already burning heart. 

"When are you planning to tell me what it is?"

"When the time is right. Now, tell me - which cuisine do you prefer? Mexican or Indian?"

"Croatian is not an option?"

"No, it's not," Ivan laughed, looking at him as they walked side by side. Luka, encouraged by this, dared to wrap his hand around Ivan's waist tightly and a soft laughter bubbled deep in Ivan's chest. "Are you comfortable with this?"

Luka was never a fan of displaying affections or emotions in public. He had his own reasons for being shy about that, and when he used to go out with Mario, holding hands was completely out of question for both of them. And still, Luka felt painfully jealous of his friends when he saw them with their girlfriends practically sitting on their laps, giggling and touching each other affectionately in plain sight, cuddling in front of everyone. He didn't need this, he was no exhibitionist - but putting his hand on Mario's thigh or laying his head on Mario's shoulder in the school cafeteria? He often wondered what it would feel like, but since Mario was definitely not a person living for a public exposition of their relationship, he never got to feel what it's like.

Now there was this guy, tall and blonde and handsome, kissing him and taking him around his shoulders without even batting an eyelid on a busy evening street. 

"Absolutely."

And suddenly everything just _clicked_ , the pieces fit and it felt alright, it felt nice and reassuring, and Ivan's strong hand resting on his back and shoulders made him feel _wanted_ and _needed_ in the crowd they joined.

 

In the end, they chose the Indian restaurant - Ivan pointed at the sign in a foreign alphabet, letting Luka slide away from his half-embrace. "It's on the second floor." 

He went first, holding the door open for him, and Luka blushed, looking for the right words to say _you don't need to do all this, come on, I can open the door myself_ - 

Ivan's behavior, the way he held the door open and then walked up the stair behind him as if to make sure he doesn't stumble or fall down, just to overrun him in front of the glass door leading directly into the restaurant to open it again, made Luka feel almost embarrassed by his own inability to do anything.

 The place was surprisingly modern - at least for Luka, who's been in only one Indian restaurant in his whole life and remember the dingy furniture and lively colors on the wall rugs - but still with a touch of faraway places, with colorful plaid thrown over the chairs and patterns with elephants on the lamp-shades on every table; there were enough empty tables to choose from and Ivan lead him to the one that was by a large palm-like plant by the wall, as if he was a regular in here.

"They serve the best paneer I have ever had," he said, sounding like a food expert. The moment they sat down, a smiling waitress came to their table with the menus.

"Two Indian beers, please," Ivan ordered without even looking at the offer. "The Cobra ones. Thank you."

"Well," Luka said as soon as she left, "you seem to know this place pretty well. Apart from being a Croatian born in Spain, don't you have a drop of Indian blood?"

"I just love Indian food," Ivan smiled, handing one of the menus to Luka. "And I really hope you'll like it - this place is seriously the best, I've never been disappointed in here. You can have practically anything and be sure that it will be great, trust me."

"Alright. Are we celebrating something?"

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just...don't usually go to a restaurant on Friday evening _just like that_."

"I'm sure we can think of something to celebrate," Ivan smiled, and his eyes smiled as well, making Luka's heartbeat twice as fast. "Your health, of course, that's the most important thing."

Luka blushed, looking down at the tablecloth, sighing. "Why are you like that?"

"Like what?"

"You're saying...things...that I don't know how to react to."

Ivan looked at him, slightly amused. "Maybe it's the only way I can react to the things you do to me."

Luka needed a few more seconds to collect his thoughts. "What did you say?"

"You're making me a different person."

"How?" Luka shook his head, confused. "In three weeks?"

"Don't ask _me_ how. I have no idea how _you_ did that."

Luka laughed uncomfortably and ran his fingers through his hair. "Now that makes me sound like a bad person."

"Oh - I don't mean it in a bad way! You're making me a better person. Happier." His green eyes were shining with the same softness as the lamp on their table, and to Luka, maybe even lighter. "I feel good, really good now. Whole and complete and just...I haven't felt like this forever."

Luka finally opened the menu to keep his hands busy with something, but the words he started to read were falling apart, he couldn't focus on them and his brain didn't seem to understand one single bit of the text. 

The waitress came with the two beers and asked if they'd chosen from the menu. Luka jerked his head, gazing at Ivan as if looking for help. "I'll leave it up to you - "

Ivan smiled politely at the waitress, giving her the two menus back. "So we'll have one Kadai Chicken and one Paneer Tikka Masala. Both with naan and mild, please. Thank you."

She wrote the order down and left, leaving Luka once again impressed with the way Ivan obviously was so sure about this place and its food. "What did you order?"

"The gravy is very similar but the spices are different. And one is with chicken while the other with cottage cheese. And I ordered the naan bread - sorry if you wanted rice - but the bread goes better with it. In my opinion."

"Have you been to India?"

"Yes. Once."

"Have you eaten their food there?"

"Of course," Ivan laughed, raising his glass. "It was delicious, but after a week you can't even smell it anymore - Cheers!"

"Cheers!" They clinked their glasses and took the first, refreshing gulps.

Luka was glad the subject of the conversation has changed because Ivan's previous words made him feel anxious and confused. "And you traveled there with your friends?"

"Yes, four of us."

"Do you always travel with them?"

"Not necessarily. When I was younger, I traveled a lot with my parents, then with my brother because he moved away and then studied abroad and we just...traveled Europe together. And then - well, now - with my friends."

"Your football friends?"

"Some of them:" Ivan looked amused at the way Luka was thinking. "Don't worry, not with Diego."

"Diego?"

"The one who pour beer on your head."

Luka chuckled, taking another sip while thinking of another question, a one that seemed interesting and important to him but inappropriate at the same time.

In the end, curiosity has won. 

"And your friends," he started after clearing his throat, "do they accept you...as you are? Or...they don't know...?" Ivan's frozen smile made a red light go on in his mind and he started stuttering a further explanation: "I mean - because - as you were in that pub, watching the match - the guys there listened to you when you told them to leave me alone - you know? And I just feel like - football fans are not exactly - known - for being friendly and inclusive..."

 "Yeah, yeah, I get it." He furrowed his eyebrows, looking concentrated and thoughtful before he bit his lower lip and finally gave an answer. "I genuinely don't think they care about that at all."

"No stupid jokes, no making fun of you?"

Ivan shrugged. "No. It's not about being a football fan but about being an asshole, what do you think?"

"I know!"

"Well, of course, they were happier when I used to date - " He suddenly stopped, watching Luka with caution.

"What?"

"When I used to date Raquel."

Luka nodded silently as if he already knew. "Raquel? Is that the girl from your Instagram?"

"You found my Instagram?"

"That summer photo where you're standing by the pool - is that her?" Luka was trying hard to keep his voice down and refrain from panicking.

"Yes."

"Good."

An awkward silence fell on their table before Ivan spoke again. "Listen - this does not concern you. I don't want to talk about it - not because of me - but because of you - "

"I'm okay with that," Luka interrupted him, maybe too harshly because Ivan looked startled. "Ivan - you talk about me having an impact on your life - but how am I to know anything about you when you don't want to talk about it?"

"I don't want to bother you - "

"I don't mind. Let's play this...game while waiting, okay? If you don't want to talk, I can ask. And you can give me answers. Simple, clear answers. Is that okay?"

"I guess so."

Luka himself was surprised by the coherency of his speech because in his mind, everything was falling apart and he felt love, desire, curiosity and sadness, all just from looking at the man sitting opposite him.

"So - " Luka narrowed in his seat, making an eye contact. "You dated a girl before?"

"Yes. Two girls, actually," Ivan added after an uncomfortable pause.

"And a boy I guess."

"Boy _s_."

"Not all at once, I hope," Luka joked, hiding the bitterness from his tone.

"Of course not. One at a time. Almost. Look - I know what you're trying to do. I'll make it easier for you. Yes, I've dated boys and yes, I've dated girls. I did some bad things, too. I'm not proud of that. Wanna hear the whole story? I dated one guy when I was fifteen. He was older than me and had to move away for a job. Good. Then, a nice guy from my school. Ended up telling me that he was only experimenting. Cool. Maybe it was time to experiment as well, right? Then this foreign girl, Darya, that was in our school for half a year. Cool, short story. Nothing serious. And Raquel, I thought that maybe I just needed to find the right girl, right? The one true love. Didn't work out. There were too many cute guys around. Get it? We're still friends though. That's why I kept our photos, I only changed the captions." He took a deep breath, looking at Luka, defeated. "Is this enough? Or do you need details?"

"No, no, it's okay - I didn't mean to make you angry!"

"I'm not angry with you," Ivan shook his head. "But with myself. What do you think - have I just destroyed my chance of dating you?"

Before that night, Luka thought that Ivan always is happy and cheerful; now, Ivan was proving him wrong with his devastated expression and an apologetic smile, but it suited him just as much as a careless smile.

"Chances of dating me?" he asked with a surprise. "They're always high. Nobody seems to be interested in that."

"I volunteer."

It was the strangest way of discussing that matter Luka could think of and he still felt flattered and soft at the passion contained in the words. He saw Ivan's hand reaching for his at the side of the table, hidden from the sight of other guests by the tablecloth, and he accepted.

"Does that mean - " he started, squeezing Ivan's hand, "I'll be your boyfriend?"

Ivan giggled, nodding and repaying him the squeeze. "You're so sweet, Lukita."

When their hands parted, Luka fixed his hair, trying to calm himself down. Ivan, Ivan, Ivan with Croatian parents, Ivan with a colorful past, as it seemed, this Ivan just agreed to be his boyfriend? After all, maybe he was one lucky bastard.

 "I didn't plan to do it like this, " Ivan admitted, and the old sparkle returned to his eyes. " I still have that one surprise for you."

"Oh?" Luka would have completely forgotten that. "It's still not time to reveal what it is?"

"You'll see very soon."

 

 

Luka wasn't able to concentrate for the rest of the dinner; all the things that Ivan said were piling up in his mind and he couldn't seem to escape them no matter how much he wanted to enjoy a great night out. The food Ivan ordered was just as delicious as he described, although too spicy for his own taste; he even could feel some tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Ivan seemed to be amused by such unpreparedness.

"Are you alright?"

Luka nodded, feeling the tears roll down his cheeks.

"Aw, baby, you don't need to eat it all if it's too spicy - "

Luka chewed for a while, trying to use as much saliva as possible to make the pain bearable. "It's okay - it's really good - "

"Yes."

Even when the waitress came to ask if everything's alright, Luka managed to say " _It's delicious_ " in an assuring way.

"You just won't give up, right? Always so stubborn..."

"Is that a problem?" Luka asked innocently, wiping a tear from right cheek.

"Not at all."

It seemed that the personal conversation cleared up the air a lot; Luka was glad it was like that, although his thoughts were a mess right now - at least Ivan was smiling again. When he paid for the both of them, leaving an absurdly high tip, he was finally ready for giving some more information as they were walking down the street.

"We need to ride a bus."

"Won't you tell me now where we are going?"

"No," Ivan smiled, taking him by the hand. "Okay  - this is kind of a Christmas present since you said you'll be in Croatia for the holidays."

"So you remember that?"

"Of course I do. Look, that's our bus! Hurry up!" They rushed to the vehicle, jumping in its last opened door. "It's a pity though - I'll miss you," Ivan continued breathily as he grabbed the nearest handle.

"I'll miss you too."

"When will you return?"

"The first week in January I think."

"I had this idea - that maybe if you came earlier..."

"Yeah?"

"I always have a little party on the New Year's Eve - you know, a couple of friends, food, drinks... You could come as well."

 "Me? And your friends?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Be careful what you wish for."

"Why? I mean - There won't be only the guys whom you met in that pub."

"I don't know. It would be weird."

"Why? They're my friends and they need to get to know you and accept you."

"I - I don't know. It would be strange to go there, I don't know anyone and - "

"You know me. And I want to have you at my party. It's nothing big, ten people, not more - at my house. Please. I'd love to have you there."

"But I'd need to fly here - "

"Only if you want to," Ivan assured him hastily. "And if you can. If you want to stay in Croatia and celebrate the New Year's Eve in there, I won't try to convince you."

Luka tried to think clearly - closing his eyes for a while to focus solely on the idea of a perfect New Year's Eve. His family will definitely insist that he spends the night with them. Suba will probably want to be with Antonia. And his other friends - well, the three or four he still had back home - they probably have better plans to spend the last night of this year than with a gay and lonely weirdo, right? 

Party at Ivan's place? It sounded exciting - the kind of exciting he's never known before. He's been at one New Year's Eve party in his whole life - well, and once he and Danijel and two other friends went to Danijel's parents' cabin, got drunk and that was all the fun. 

"I think I could arrive on the 29th or 30th December," he said, opening his eyes again. 

"Really? So you will come to the party?"

"Yeah, I think I could do that - "

"Thank you! I'll be happy to see you there - I'll write you the address and everything later."

"Okay."

On the next stop, a tall young man with curly hair got on the bus and Ivan waved to him. "That's Alfred!"

 _Who the hell is Alfred?_ Luka thought as the newly-boarded man made his way to them to shake Ivan's hand.

"Hi!"

"Hi - this is Luka. Luka - this is Alfred."

Luka shook his hand automatically, humming "Nice to meet you" under his breath. Nothing made sense anymore - Ivan was smiling in a satisfied and pleased way, as he patted Alfred's back. "Alfred is a great friend of mine who has helped me a lot with this present for you."

"It was my pleasure," Alfred smiled.

Luka darted his eyes from one guy to another, unsure if he was expected to respond or not. As usually when not sure about that, he kept quiet and started fixing his hair nervously.

"Have you told him already?" Alfred asked, winking at Ivan.

"Not yet. It's a big surprise - " Ivan looked at his phone. "Give him two more minutes."

Luka decided to ignore their talk. He was curious, but at the same time, he felt slightly angry with Ivan at playing this game with him and keeping him waiting while inviting another guy to their date - even if it was a part of this ridiculous game.

"The next stop," Ivan warned him. "I hope you have warm clothes." He just shrugged, leaving his whole fate in the hands of Ivan and this Alfred guy.

At the next stop, they got off the bus and before Luka had the chance to look around, Ivan grabbed his shoulders from behind and in a voice that was unable to hide his satisfaction with the scene he said:

"Welcome to _Camp Nou_."


	12. Chapter 12

" _Camp Nou_?" Luka exhaled when he finally came back to his senses. "Are you fucking serious?" The stadium lights were shining brightly in the night in front of them.

"Yes, absolutely serious. Look - Alfred here, he's our guide. I have the pleasure of knowing him for some time - "

Alfred came closer to him and reached out his hand in an official welcoming gesture once again. "Welcome to _Camp Nou_."

"What is going on?" Luka exclaimed, waiting for an explanation.

Ivan's smile was not leaving his face. "I know you'd probably rather see Santiago Barnabéu, but I can't serve with that - "

Luka ran his fingers through his hair, unable to believe what he was just witnessing. "Oh my God - are we going inside?"

"No, you'll stand here and wait," Ivan laughed, grabbing him by his shoulders again. "Of course we're going in!"

"It's like a tour or what?"

"Our own private tour. Just the two of us. Alfred made it all possible - "

"But - _how_? Isn't it - like - locked or something? Aren't we supposed to be in a bigger group?"

"No, don't worry," Ivan started rubbing circles on his back comfortingly. "Anything's possible with the right amount of money, right?"

Alfred laughed, nodding. "Usually, the tour contains much larger groups of visitors, but it is possible to make a private tour like this one as well - "

"You did this for me?" Luka asked, turning to Ivan. His voice was shaky and weak, just as his knees.

"Yes. Just for this moment - for your shocked face - "

"I'm - I don't know what to say - "

"Let's go. I don't want you to catch a cold again so you better keep on moving."

"How did you - even think of that?" Luka asked as Ivan and Alfred walked him towards the gates of the enormously majestic stadium in front of them.

"What could be a better gift than a full Barça experience?" Ivan asked softly, smiling at his undeniable surprise.

 "A full Real experience?" Luka muttered, unable to process all the perceptions in his mind.

" _Cheeky_."

 

It all felt like a dream, a beautiful dream that Luka expected to wake from every time they passed through some kind of a gate or door or a painting of one of Barcelona's stars. But the waking moment never came and they continued through intricate corridors as Alfred started talking again, explaining how the security works and that they're one of the last groups of today.

"There are some other groups right now, we might meet some of them but the stadium is big enough to make you feel like you're the only ones in there."

Ivan was nodding knowingly. "But we won't be in time for the fan shop, I guess it's closing soon, right?"

"Yeah, yeah."

Luka smirked and immediately felt Ivan's hand wrap around his waist. "What are you laughing at? I wouldn't expect you to want to buy anything there."

Alfred led them through the metal detector screening and some other kind of security barriers, showing his worker pass practically to everyone they've met. And once they were really inside the stadium, Luka was filled with awe, gazing at all the blue and garnet colors on the walls with a respect he didn't even know he had for this club. He was not a fan of the culés, but he always respected the players and never wished them wrong - but now his respect was accompanied by other feelings like admiration and amazement at how majestic this whole building looked, inside and out.

"Will we go on the pitch?" he asked.

"Yes of course. Do you want to hear the usual comment I always tell the visitors - Ivan, I guess you know that by heart, right?"

"Probably."

"But your Madrid friend here might learn something new."

Luka didn't even mind the obvious dig into him, he was too busy watching the signs on the doors and all the arrows and pointers.

"Talk as usual, and I might correct you if you forget anything."

Alfred laughed, making a few quick steps to be in front of them, giving them a sense of being guided through the building as well as leaving them some privacy. " _Camp Nou, the sacred place of every football fan, is the biggest stadium in both Spain and Europe_ \- "

 

 The whole tour felt like a movie passing before Luka's eyes, he listened to Alfred's well structured yet still entertaining and in moments spontaneous comments about the stadium, its past and present, and _the best football club in the world_ , as he always emphasized. Ivan was quiet most of the time, looking like he's heard this all thousand times, only sometimes he made an additional comment about something from the club's history. Luka was barely breathing when they were taken onto the pitch; as they were walking through the tunnel his heart raced as if he was coming onto the field to play one of _El Clásicos_. The moment they stepped on the pitch, Ivan fell to his knees to kiss the grass, and the almost religious moment made Luka smile; his smile only widened when Ivan raised his hands, pointing his fingers to the sky in Messi's signature gesture while still kneeling down.

 "What is this," Luka asked, unable to control his laugh. "A lovechild of Salah and Messi?"

Ivan got up on his feet again. "That's called being thankful for the pitch and the players and everything that makes it possible for us fans to enjoy the game. I'm not sure Madridistas know that."

 "Won't it bring them bad luck that a Madridista is standing on their sacred pitch?"

"You can't bring bad luck to anyone," Ivan assured him, sending him an air kiss.

"Aw, get a room you two," Alfred stopped them, but he was laughing as well.

Luka sighed, looking at the stands - and the yellow sign MÉS QUE UN CLUB at the tribune opposite them. "Can I just make a quick call? My friend - he won't believe me - "

"Yeah, I guess," Alfred shrugged, taking the question as a signal to take Ivan aside to give him some privacy for calling, and Ivan started thanking him once again, for the hundredth time: "Thank you so much for making this possible - "

Luka dialed the familiar number and waited.

" _Luka?_ "

"Hey, yeah, it's me."

" _What's wrong_?"

"What?"

" _Well, aren't you supposed to be on the date? If you're calling for a sex advice, I assure you I know nothing about ga_ y - "

"No, I'm not," he chuckled. "Guess where I am?" He could imagine the frustrated look on Suba's face.

" _How the hell am I supposed to know? In a restaurant? In a café? In a bar? In Ivan's house? In his jacuzzi_?"

"No, no - I'll help you." He hummed the beginning of the melody of The Barça Chant, making a pause at the moment where the handclapping was supposed to happen.

" _What - his friends kidnapped you and they're making you sing this_?"

"I'm at  _Camp Nou_!"

" _How the fuck did you get there_? _Why - why would you even do that_?"

 "Ivan has a friend who works here and he bought us a private tour with him - so we're here practically alone. Well, there are other people having different tours but the stadium is huge, like _really huge_ , so we haven't even met anyone yet, I can only see some people in the stands... The lighting is absolutely beautiful."

" _Sabotage something in there_."

"You're the worst. I just wanted to tell you that - I might never come back to the old style of living - "

" _Don't you dare_!"

"Just kidding. I can't fucking believe this. This place has something to it - I don't know, some kind of aura... You'd need to see it."

" _Thanks, I'll pass_."

"Alright."

" _Have you eaten already_?"

"Yes. We've been to a restaurant."

" _I hope he takes good care of you_."

"More than you can imagine."

" _He better do_!"

"Don't worry. Well, I just wanted to greet you from here - guess it's the first and last time I got to be here."

" _Thanks_."

"You can practically smell Messi in here."

" _I hope he smells good_."

" _Idiot,"_ he laughed _. "_ Well - enjoy your boring evening in. I'll be back...by midnight, maybe."

" _Okay. Have a good time there_."

"Bye."

 He put the phone back in his pocket, turning to his two companions.

"Your roommate?" Ivan asked, resting his hand on Luka's shoulder once again.

Luka nodded and then took a deep breath, eyes still fixed on the sign MÉS QUE UN CLUB. "Yes. What's our next stop?"

 

 

At the top row stands, Ivan asked Alfred to take a photo of them and Luka's heart jumped at that moment as his brain started to think of the worst possible scenarios. Okay, he'd look terrible, that was the one certain thing he was ready for - but what if Ivan decides to post it somewhere? Then, his friends could see that, and also Luka's friend could possible see - and they could start messaging him - well, not that they would actually care about this - but still - 

 "What do you need it for?" he asked quietly as Alfred fliped out his phone to compel Ivan's wish.

"I just want to have a photo of us together. Do you - not want it?"

"Will you post it anywhere?"

"Are you afraid of that?"

 "No - but will you?"

Ivan looked puzzled. "I won't if you don't want me to."

"Thank you."

"Okay," Alfred said, ready with the phone in his hands. "Get ready you two - "

Ivan grabbed Luka by his waist, pulling him closer; Luka just left his hands hanging down awkwardly.

"Aaaand, one more time! Good!" He went on to show Ivan the results; while Ivan's hand remained comfortably settled on Luka's waist. 

"Oh my God," he laughed upon seeing the photos. "We look terrible. I'm keeping it." He then turned to Luka with his ever sweet smile. "Can I use it as a phone wallpaper?"

 "Of course. And send it to me as well, please. We can have matching wallpapers."

Ivan's lips curled into a smile. "Are you even real? Sometimes I have doubts - "

"Okay, guys," Alfred interrupted his declaration of love. "As much as I'd love to leave you here alone in the empty stadium, I'd get fired for that so please, let's keep on moving. They'll be closing the gates soon - "

"Alright, alright. We need you in here," Ivan laughed, patting his shoulder. "To be our man on the inside - if we ever want to visit this site again."

"Sure. Let's go."

 

 

At the exit of the stadium, Ivan's expressions of gratitude involved excessive hugging once again; Luka stood aside, waiting awkwardly for Ivan to finally say goodbye and let go off his amazing friend, as he himself called Alfred at least ten times during the last three hours.

"It was nice to meet you," Alfred said to Luka, shaking his hand in a much too formal manner.

"Likewise. Thank you for the tour. I may not be a fan but I appreciate a good club when I see one."

 It sounded strange even to his ears and he wasn't really sure why he said that - maybe it had something to do with the fact, that the moment he and Ivan left the building and walked in silence across the paved space in front of the stadium, he had to bit his lip to fight a sob that was forcing itself out of his throat, accompanied by a hollow pain in his head, a pain that couldn't be relieved by anything else than crying.

  _Why, why are you like this, why are you so fucking stupid to cry over the good things that happen to you, why-?_

"Lukita?" Ivan's voice snapped him back in reality. "Are you alright?"

 Luka shook his head, refusing to stop and speak in fear that his voice might betray him and he might just burst in tears all of sudden.

"Lukita, what's wrong?" Ivan insisted, grabbing him by his wrist and making him stop. "You didn't like it?"

"How could you even think that?" Luka gulped, looking everywhere but at Ivan's concerned face. " _I loved it_! You're doing so much for me, giving me everything I could possibly ask for - "

"That's what I was talking about earlier - you're making me change. For better." He raised his hand to tuck a lock of Luka's hair behind his ear affectionately and then let his hand slowly caress Luka's cheek. " _Cariño_."

"Me - me of all people! I have absolutely nothing - nothing for you to appreciate or like about me - And you take me for a dinner and then prepare possibly the best surprise in my whole life - "

"And _that's it_ , Lukita." His hand stopped and he took Luka's chin delicately between his fingers, making Luka look up, straight in his eyes. "It's because you're worth it. I've never been much of a giver - in one meaning or other," he smirked but Luka didn't seem to get the cheesy joke. "Now I look at you - and I know I'd give you anything - because I loved seeing the child-like surprise in your face when you learned we're going to the stadium; I loved seeing you at the restaurant, eating the whole meal although it was maybe too spicy - I realized how much I love these little things - "

" _Little things_? How much did you pay for this tour?"

"It's not about the money," Ivan protested firmly.

"For you, maybe - "

"I did not pay it for the effect - I'd bring you a stone from a park if I knew you'd be happy - "

"Really?"

"Stay here." In a second, Ivan was gone, running towards the grassy area with a few trees that was a few meters from them - just to come back with a small stone in his open palm. "Look - this here will be your talisman from now on, okay? A stone found by Camp Nou. It will bring you luck - and hopefully, remind you of me. And, what's most important - it will always give you strength and remind you that you are worth every single gesture of affection that you receive."

He pressed the stone in Luka's hand. "Promise me you'll remember that."

Luka nodded, unable to actually form an answer, and squeezed the new talisman hard.

"And now, tell me - are you happy?"

He bit his lower lip and nodded again. "I am - _I swear I am_. And just now I realize how long I have not been."


	13. Chapter 13

Luka soon realized how lonely he felt without the assuring touch on his shoulder or around his waist, how cold he was when there was nobody standing or sitting by his side, so close that their arms would touch.

"You look like a zombie," Danijel told him one morning while pouring the hot water in their two mugs.

"I feel like one," he sighed, holding his head in his hands with hair falling into his face. 

"You don't sleep much now, do you?"

"We texted until two and then I just passed out." He yawned, pulling the mug closer and immersing the teabag in the water. "Third night in a row - I don't know if it's a new lifestyle or what."

"Will you see him before our flight?"

"Yes - we have another date on Thursday evening. He's going to see his parents for Christmas as well so he won't be staying in Barcelona either. He said he'd give us a lift to the airport otherwise."

"I hope to meet him when we come back."

Luka smiled wearily. "I'll try to convince him."

Their apartment looked much cleaner now as they already started packing for the holiday and throwing away all the stuff they found out was absolutely useless but they were still keeping it for some sentiments. It was also the first time they used the mop and actually cleaned the rooms, but the unusual activity, stress of the upcoming traveling and staying up late started to take its toll on Luka. He stopped paying attention at the lectures and didn't go to the usual monthly meet-up of foreign students at the university, telling Suba to inform him if he's missed out anything important. Suba came home at three in the morning, woke Luka up by what sounded like the demolition of their shower and then told him, all green and white in his face, leaning against the bathroom sink: " _Be glad you didn't go. I'm gonna hate myself tomorrow_."

Also, his mother complained that he doesn't call as often as he used to, and he could just blame it all on all the work and stress before Christmas. He wasn't ready to talk about Ivan over the phone, he was going to keep that for personal face-to-face moments at home.

"How many lectures you have today?"

"Just two." Luka took a sip of his fuming tea. "I'll survive that. But I need to buy presents for the sisters."

"Why don't you go shopping with him?"

"No," Luka chuckled but then stopped, looking serious all of sudden. "Or should I - ?"

"I don't know - I mean why not? You won't be together for Christmas, so you can enjoy some of the atmosphere before, right?"

"I don't even know if he likes Christmas and all this stuff around it - like shopping and window-shopping and drinking mulled wine - "

"It's one of the most casual things to do with a girl - but there really is something to it, and I guess it can't be that different with a boy, right? Maybe he needs to buy some presents as well - or you can just spend some time together as normal couples do - "

"Normal?"

"You know what I mean. I mean it can get boring if the girl gets too carried away in the shopping spree - but it could be nice just for the feeling of being together in such...festive time of the year."

"Thanks, I'll - I guess I'll try to ask him about that. We don't have any plans yet so I think it might work."

"No problem."

 

 

 Ivan was not against it, in fact, he seemed to be excited by the idea of a date in a shopping center. _Sounds great! ;)_ he replied to Luka's suggestion. _I'd love to! So Thursday at 5 PM? I'll go by car, I can pick you up._

Oh God, a boyfriend with his own car who can pick him up - wasn't that everyone's dream?

 It felt just like being in a movie when he was standing on the pavement in front of the house, waiting for Ivan to arrive - and when the shiny black car Luka wished he knew the brand of stopped there, he couldn't believe it was _for him_. Ivan rolled down the passenger seat window and called on him.

"Hey! Get in, Lukita."

Luka couldn't help but giggle and blush as he reached for the door handle. "Hey." He sat down, closed the door and turned to Ivan. He looked beautiful - once again - holding onto the steering wheel casually with one hand, while the other was quick to grab Luka's arm.

"Hi, baby." He pulled Luka in for a tender welcoming kiss. "I missed you so much."

 "Missed you too."

"Where exactly you wanna go?" Ivan asked, still holding his hand.

"I don't know. Just get us outta here fast, Danijel mustn't know I let you drive me anywhere - "

"Okay," Ivan laughed, changing the gear. "He's very protective of you it seems."

"Yes, he is. I don't blame him though." He reached for the seatbelt and fastened it responsibly; what he just remembered made him do so. "He's just worried about me and I can understand that - "

"So he won't let you get in anyone's car?"

"No, no, it's just - I probably shouldn't be talking about that but - " He sighed, angry at himself for choosing this topic as the beginning of their conversation. "He lost his close friend in a car accident."

 " _Oh God -_ sorry, I had no idea - _"_

"Yeah. It wasn't the friend's fault - the other driver was drunk - but still - - - "

"That's terrible!"

"I know. It was really hard back then - Danijel is a strong person but - I could tell he struggled. And yet - he still was there for me, helping me when I was bitching about something stupid and irrelevant. I don't know how he did that. If I were him, I would probably just lay down and die in my own pool of tears but - he managed to stay strong, even for me - and I don't think I can ever repay him this."

 "I'm glad you have someone so caring by your side, really," Ivan said after a long pause he spent thinking about what's appropriate and impropriate to say in such a moment. "And don't worry, you're safe here with me. All buckled up - " He placed his right hand on Luka's thigh and Luka jerked under the touch a bit, looking both startled and excited. He wanted to kiss Ivan in response immediately but he realized that could be distracting so he just bit his lip and tried to think about other things; though the hand on his thigh was moving slightly, caressing him through his jeans and it was not exactly making him relaxed and _cool_.

"How about _Maremagnum_?" Ivan said, squeezing his thigh. "There's a great restaurant - "

"It's all up to you, really."

"Do you know it there?"

"You know, it's not exactly a place where foreign students go - "

"It's like a shopping center, right by the sea - "

"Sounds a bit too posh but okay."

"Wanna go there?"

"You're the one driving and paying for everything, so you're the one to decide that."

"What?" Ivan laughed, still focusing on the road before them. "Do you actually see it that way?"

"Well I'm just a poor boy - from a poor family - " Luka quoted, shrugging.

"And you think you can't decide where to go _because of that_?"

"I'm definitely never going to take you to a super deluxe restaurant, no matter how much I'd love to - I just - I can't tell you _Oh please, let's go to this super expensive place, buy me everything you see_ \- I can't! It's up to you where you take me. If I was the one paying for our dates, we'd always be outside, buying food from hot-dog stands."

"Luka, please - don't make this all look like it's just about the money - "

"It kind of is!"

Just as he said it, he felt bad - he felt bad for sounding so angry, he felt bad for acting so foolish and stupid and arguing with Ivan - and he just wanted to sulk and keep quiet. 

"How can you say that?"

Luka shook his head, unwilling to talk. As much as everything was going well during the previous dates, it was all crumbling down right now, and it was all crumbling right down on him and he felt overwhelmed, attacked and hurt - all in that momnet he knew he was unreasonably harsh with Ivan. He bit his lip and covered his face with his hands.

"Luka? Luka, please - " Ivan's voice was distressed and much more worried than he thought it would ever be. " _Lukita_. I didn't mean to make you upset - "

"I'm just stupid," Luka mumbled, still covering his eyes. 

"Wait, wait, _wait a moment_." The car suddenly stopped; it made Luka look up and he realized Ivan parked on a parking spot by some public garden or a park and that Ivan has just stopped here for a serious small talk.

He unfastened his seatbelt to be able to turn to Luka with his whole body and then he took Luka's hands in his, making him look him in the eyes. "Lukita - listen to me. I never meant to make you feel this way. I never wanted to make you feel obliged to me for buying you...things...or taking you for a dinner. Never. I thought I made it all clear with that _lucky stone_ from Camp Nou. Do you still have it?"

 Luka nodded. " _For good luck_ ," he said, repeating Ivan's own words from their Camp Nou tour.

" _For good luck_. I thought I explained it there - I am not giving you the money. I am trying to give you - feelings - and emotions. Unfortunately, it's through the things that can be mostly bought for money."

"I know - I know all this but it's just - I feel so bad for doing this - and for letting you do this."

"Oh, Luka." He touched Luka's cheek and caressed it, then touched his lips. "It's so embarrassing - but just now, you make me realize how much of a sincere and pure soul you are - All the girls and guys before you - " Ivan shook his head, laughing a little. "They never cared about that. They never seemed to feel embarrassed by the amount of money I invested in them - "

"See? That's what I don't want you to do. _Invest your money,"_ he said scornfully. "I'm not here for that."

"Luka - " Ivan's grip of his hands grew desperate. "What is the money for if I can't make you happy with it? It doesn't mean anything! It's not even mine, I didn't make it! But spending it for you - that's what makes it real. I don't want it for me. I don't want to have thousands in my pockets just to feel like a powerful man - I just want to be able to make you happy."

"But you make me happy just by being here with me - "

"But you deserve more!"

 "I _what_?"

 Ivan laughed out desperately. "How can you not see that? You're the purest and most deserving soul I have ever known."

"Ivan, please - "

"I thought I've seen some good people but you - you surpass every expectation."

"I - I don't know what to say."

"You don't need to say anything! I just want you to hear that - "

"Okay. I heard it. Can we please go to the mall now?" he chuckled, blushing uncontrollably.

"Only if you let me buy you a dinner in one of the restaurants."

 

 

 In the end, they _did go_ to the restaurant of Ivan's choice and Ivan held him by the hand while telling him he has to order something from the regular menu, no matter which price is written there. 

They also bought the presents they wanted - Luka got gifts for his sisters and Ivan bought a cookbook for his grandma, which Luka found particularly cute. The classic Christmas songs were playing everywhere, making Luka feel cozy and welcomed in all the shops, and having Ivan by his side was unbelievable - he could make fun of anything, choose the craziest things to try out or buy; he even convinced Luka to wear a silly Santa hat for a while. They had two mulled wines, then spend at least two hours looking for the right presents for Luka's sisters; then they went for a dinner and after the dessert, a bowl of strawberries with vanilla ice cream that they shared, Ivan offered to drive him back home.

"So, you're going to see your parents for Christmas," Luka started as they got back to the car again.

"Yeah. I mean - they want me to start getting independent but at the same time, they just want me to be back for the Christmas. Even my brother's coming home - so I guess it will be a nice family gathering."

"I can't wait to be back in Croatia. Although - now it's really hard to decide if I'd rather stay here or go there."

Ivan smiled, not taking his eyes off of the road. "I would definitely stay here if it didn't mean making my whole family angry."

"I'll be back on the thirtieth of December," Luka promised. "I just - need to explain it to my parents."

"Good luck with that."

"They always want me to be with them on the New Year's Eve as well - "

"So you'll tell them about me?"

Luka shrugged, smiling into the dark. "I guess so."

 "What will you say?"

"I don't know - maybe that I met this unbelievably cute guy who's just...so sweet?"

Ivan laughed. "Yes, please."

"Of course I will mention you're actually Croatian. They'll be glad. We'll see. But I'll write you when exactly I'm coming back."

"I think I could pick you up at the airport."

Ivan parked the car by the pavement at the same place he picked Luka up a few hours ago. " _So_ ," he started but never finished the sentence.

" _So_ ," Luka chuckled in response.

Ivan turned off the engine and unfastened his seatbelt, turning to Luka with his whole body. The interior car light was on, illuminating both their figures.

"Are you sure you want to get off here and now?"

"Yes," Luka smiled apologetically.

"You know, we could - go to my place." Luka felt his heart racing as Ivan touched his thigh. "Lukita - "

"I really must go - " he muttered, trying to not change his mind upon the touch that was burning his insides.

" _But baby, it's cold outside_ ," Ivan whispered before planting a soft kiss on his lips. It took Luka a while to remember that it's actually a line of one of the old classic Christmas songs they've heard in one of the shops and he smiled into the kiss.

" _The answer is no_ ," he exhaled as soon as their lips parted, and despite the rejection, Ivan was smiling as well.

"I don't remember the whole lyrics," he said, tucking some of Luka's hair behind his ear. "Only this - " He kissed Luka again, still holding some of his hair. " _How can you do this to me_?"

It was so hard to pull away and open the car door, it really was, especially when Ivan decided to repeat his offer once again. "Don't you want to see where and how I live?" His breathing was somehow much louder, or maybe Luka was just focusing on that and nothing else - but even Ivan's eyes looked different, bigger and darker, filled with passion. " _Please_." He tried to kiss him again but Luka turned his head away and Ivan moaned - and the moan dug somewhere deep in Luka's heart.

"Not now," he repeated firmly, knowing he has to go _now_ \- or in another two minutes, it will be too late. "After the Christmas - we'll have all the time."

 "You're so cruel to me."

"Believe me - it hurts me as well."

"Then why don't you simply _give up_?"

"I can't - I can't _now_. It's not the right time. Two weeks - and we'll see each other again. Just as it should be."

 They exchanged yet another quick kiss. "You're too good for me," Ivan whispered.

Luka shook his head, reaching for the door handle. "You're a terrible liar."

"Have a very merry Christmas, Lukita."

"Merry Christmas."


	14. Chapter 14

Mrs. Modrić promised to pick them up at the airport in Zagreb and Luka spent the whole flight trying to figure out whether it was a good idea to talk to her about Ivan as soon as they meet or if he should wait for a better time, in private, with both of his parents. He would never even consider mentioning Ivan to them otherwise but since he had to fly back to Spain early, he was sure a series of questions will follow the seconds he says that - _Why do you want to go early? Are you going to spend the New Year's Eve with someone there? Who is it?_

Yes, it was definitely better to avoid the interrogation by simply saying _I know this guy, he invited me for a party at his house, that's it_. 

Mom was there, waiting for them already in the arrivals hall, and her face lit up as soon as she saw them.

"Luka!"

He heard Suba chuckle next to him and immediately felt embarrassed by this all, by his mom waiting for him as if he was seven years old and coming back from a school trip; his mom hugged him in a bones crushing embrace and kissed his cheek at least five times, repeating "Welcome home" and "My boy".

"How was the travel?" she asked as she let him go and moved on to Suba, which made Luka chuckle this time as he watched his tall friend being hugged forcefully by his short mother. "Danijel! I'm so glad you're both here already! Let's go, let's go, boys - you must be so hungry after the flight - "

Luka was never able to explain how fast the whole flight actually was, without a stopover it took only two hours and that was nothing; he actually spent more time traveling from Madrid to Barcelona after he and Suba arrived in the Spanish capital for the first time.

"I spoke to your mom yesterday," she continued, looking up at Danijel who looked so comically tall next to her. "She can't wait for you!"

Luka and Suba exchanged amused smiles. It was funny, being back in Croatia, and it felt weird seeing the Croatian signs everywhere and hearing all the people around talking in their native language. 

"Let's go - " Mrs. Modrić was practically pushing them down the hall, towards the exit. "It's so nice to see you two back, healthy and alright - "

Luka elbowed Suba playfully in the ribs. "Just like good old times."

It indeed was like that. They practically grew up together and they always went to after-school activities together - Danijel's parents were the first ones to get a car and they would always give Luka a lift where he needed to. By the time the Modrić family also bought their own car, there was a newly born friendship between the two families.

"Yeah, just like old times."

 

Luka's mother let them put all their baggage in the car trunk and on the back seat and Danijel took place next to his own suitcase in the back of the car since he never wanted to sit on the passenger's seat.

"So - how is Barcelona?" Mrs. Modrić asked.

"Beautiful," Luka said, fastening his seatbelt on the front seat. His mom adjusted the rear-view mirror and turned to Suba in expectation of further explanation.

"Yeah, beautiful," he nodded, confirming Luka's own word. "He's not lying. There's so much to do - so many places to go, sites to visit...and so many people to meet, right, Luka?"

Luka would kick him if he could.

Mrs. Modrić seemed to understand the hint. "Really?" She turned the key and started the car. "Anything I should know?"

"No, no, he's just - " Luka shook his head before turning it back, mouthing silent words _I will kill you_ to Suba.

"Well, it's none of my business, of course," his mom continued defensively, skilfully turning the wheel and driving off the parking. "I really hope you are responsible enough to use protection because no matter what you do - "

"Oh my God please stop!"

"I just don't want my boy to catch some disease - "

Danijel was chuckling on the back seat and his muffled laugh made Luka's blood boil even more than his mother's talk. "Don't you fucking laugh at me - !"

Mrs. Modrić's face turned serious all of sudden. "Hey, hey, hey, Luka, don't talk to your friends like that! How can you two even live together under one roof?"

Luka leaned back on his seat, crossing arms on his chest like a sulking child. 

"Don't be like that," his mom admonished him. "I only want to know how you live there."

"I live fine, thank you. And I don't need anyone to speak for me." The silence in the car grew uncomfortable in just a few seconds. "Fine, alright, Danijel is right, there are so many people to meet in Barcelona," he gave up. "I met someone and I want to go back to Barcelona before the New Year's Eve - to be there - with him,"

 "Oh. How long have you known him?"

"Almost three months," he lied. 

"What's his name?"

"Ivan. Ivan Rakitić - he's actually Croatian, but his parents moved to Spain like thirty years ago - "

"And how did you meet him?"

 "Mom - "

"Just tell me."

"I went to watch El Clásico in the pub."

"What is El Clásico?" she asked in a voice that sounded like she was suspecting " _el clásico_ " of being a codename for some kind of sexual orgy.

"Just one football game, okay? And we met there."

Danijel on the back seat took a deep breath - "Actually - "

"Then," Luka interrupted him, "we went out and - now I would like to go to Barcelona to celebrate the New Year there."

 "And you're sure it's the best idea to celebrate it with this...friend of yours? Your father and I have been looking forward to having you here with us - and grandma hopes we could stop by for at least two or three days as well - "

"I know, mom - but this would really mean a lot to me. Look, I'm practically living on my own now, right? I'll buy the ticket and everything all by myself, I can even get to the airport myself but I just hoped you would understand that as much as I'd love to be here for the New Year, I just want to spend the night with him - "

Danijel burst out laughing.

"The New Year's Eve," Luka corrected himself hastily. "For God's sake speed up a little, I wanna get rid of that idiot on the back seat."

 "Hey, Luka, I told you it's better to be honest and simply say what you want to do on the New Year's Eve," Suba said, still laughing, seemingly unable to control himself.

Luka decided it was high time to just stop reacting, he felt humiliated and exposed, and he didn't like that in the least.

 

As soon as they dropped Suba off with all his baggage and he said his goodbyes to Mrs. Modrić ("Thank you so much for giving me a lift") and Luka ("See you in January, don't get wasted on that party"), Luka could feel his old anxiety about opening up about his private life to his parent. What now? So his mom knows about Ivan. Well done. What's going to happen now?

He knew how his parents approached his orientation. It wasn't easy for them to understand it at first, and thanks to the weird way of his coming out, they used to feel bad that some random people from the town knew more about their son than they did. They never liked the terminology - homosexuality, gay, partner or boyfriend - and they never seemed to find the right way to incorporate these words in their vocabularies but on the other hand, Luka knew he still had all their love and support. His mom, being her brutally honest self, told him one day in an emotional way that she couldn't care less _if his partner has a vagina or a penis_ and that he'll always be her little boy, which made him blush and wish he has never been born. He still appreciated those awkward and embarrassing gestures and words his parents used when trying to talk to him about his life. The usual question "Are there any nice girls in your class?" were replaced by his dad's "Are there any nice girls - oh, sorry, boys? Hahahaha" which was even worse but as far as he knew, every single one of his friends had to deal with similar problems - even Suba admitted his parents were the worst when it came to talking about his girlfriend in the weirdest and most awkward ways, although they liked her.

 "Luka, there's no need to be embarrassed," his mom told him as she started the car again and they left the street where Danijel lived. "I'm glad I know how's your life. Is that so hard to get?"

"No, but it's - kind of weird to talk to you about this - "

"Come on, I don't need to know more. I'm happy to know you have someone and you like them."

"Yeah."

"Is he nice?"

"Yes, very nice. He's - he's actually the kindest and sweetest person I've ever known."

"That's good. Where exactly are his parents from?"

The whole discussion turned into a casual chat about the Croatian towns and it felt natural, normal and not weird at all, and Luka's mood got back into normal as he heard his mom - and himself - talking about stupid little things like what is the character of people from Dalmatia and how is it different from Slavonian spirit.

As they were slowly approaching their home, Luka dared to interrupt the calm and civil distraction with a shy question. "So - can I back to Barcelona early? Let's say on the 30th of December? You and dad won't be mad?"

"Oh, God, Luka, of course, we won't! You're a grown-up and you can do whatever you like. Just promise me to behave well at the party, okay? I wouldn't want you to crawl somewhere in Barcelona streets on all fours, throwing up. Drink just as much as you can bear."

That was it. He loved his parents and their subtle way of showing their care for him.

"I will."


	15. Chapter 15

_Merry Christmas x_

_I know I wished you already_

_But I just had to write it again_

 

He was proud of himself as he managed to write a message like this _first_. It was a usual lazy Christmas Day morning; since he grew older, the morning was no longer filled with an expectation of what's going to come in the evening and the night, in fact, it all seemed just like a normal morning he could spend in his bed, tucked under the warm blanket, and it brought him just as much joy as watching fairytale movies when he was a kid. 

 

_Can't wait to see you_

 

 Now it was perfect. He smiled for himself and stretched a little in the bed. 

He missed Ivan more than he thought he could ever miss anyone - naturally, he missed his parents and his sisters when he was in Barcelona, but he expected them to still be there, to still be his family and to still love him when he comes back. With Ivan, his heart felt different. It might have been the fact that they didn't really know each other for long; it might have been the sketchy informations he had about Ivan's previous life - and a sting of jealousy always hit him when he remembered Ivan's own words about the girls and boys he dated before, how careful he was to not reveal much. Luka could only wonder if he's still in contact with some of his exes, and what their relationship is like because after all, Ivan could get bored and lonely and Luka rather didn't think about the possible outcomes. Maybe he should have let Ivan take him home after all - 

But all his fears and doubts are washed away by a single snap Ivan sends him - it's just him in a hoodie, sitting in what seemed to be a couch or a very comfortable bed with a plaid of some sort, with his smile as soft as ever, and with a message:

_can't wait either_

_You look so good_

 

That was the truth. He did, oh God, Ivan _always_ did look good, with his short hair that always seemed to be styled in some kind of way that wasn't too eye-catching or provocative, he was just perfect.

_I'm counting the days_

 

Luka's cheeks flushed, knowing that this photo is for him, that Ivan thinks about him and feels probably same. He touched the screen right where Ivan's forehead was and smiled for himself. He was so beautiful, so natural, and his smile was so warm it affected him like this even captured in a photo.

He still didn't feel confident enough to send his own photo in return, so he just answered by a text.

 

_I just want to be back in Barcelona_

_I'm so bored without you_

 

Ivan couldn't know but this was exactly the kind of message Luka needed - he was worried, he had his mind full of the worst possible scenarios of Ivan having his fun even without him because hell, which beautiful boy would be bothered about having one boyfriend when he could have like five? 

 

_I'm not that much fun_

_It's fun getting to know you better_

_Not so long ago, you were just a Madridista_

_who stayed in a bar for too long_

_after his team has lost_

 

 Luka smiled, feeling as if his soul has just returned in his body. How did he deserve this boy? He had no idea.

At the moment he was ready to write an answer, Danijel sent him a message - a short video of him with his cat, with a message 'He says hi". And in a few seconds, a short clip of him with Antonia waving to the camera followed, with the words "She does as well".

 And Luka had to answer - and then, his mum called him and he had to participate in the preparation of the Christmas dinner, and his sisters were curious about how he lives in Barcelona anyway - 

He didn't get back to answering before midnight - actually, he only just came back from the midnight mass with his parents, then they all went to the Christmas tree and he didn't have any chance to actually write to Ivan earlier than in the middle of the night.

 

_I hope you found everything you wanted underneath the Christmas tree_

 

He didn't even expect Ivan to answer the message anytime soon, so he just re-read the previous messages, and, of course, he had to see the photo Ivan has sent him earlier, when the phone beeped.

 

_I didn't find you_

 

 _God, I love you much_ , Luka thought, careful not to blatantly write these exact words in his next message.

"Luka! Where did you go again - we were supposed to take a photo - !" his mom called from the hall. Shit, that's true, he thought as he quickly got up from the bed where he landed as soon as he got to his room just to answer Ivan's messages. His whole family was still dressed up from the church and he quickly started to smooth his shirt to get rid of the wrinkles there. He loved his family and he loved being home, but God - Suba never interrupted him when he was chatting with Ivan and he was already so used to his ironic remarks he didn't mind them at all.

 But the family was  _the family_ , and he wasn't gonna argue with his parents. It was awkward enough when his mom told his father about Ivan - because, _naturally_ , she just couldn't let _him_ do that - in a very cheerful manner, basically saying all the informations she got from Luka on their way from the airport, and his dad squinted, looking at him, and then said "Rakitić? I knew one Rakitić. He was such an idiot - " as if they were parts of some medieval houses and as if there was only one Rakitić in whole Croatia. Luka still had to admit that the whole weight fell off his shoulders; and it was even better since he didn't really have to do much for it, thanks to Danijel and his mom.

All in all, it was nice being home. But being with Ivan would be even nicer - Luka imagined the Christmas lights in the window, tree standing in the corner of his and Suba's apartment, cheap decorations all over the room and the smell of cinnamon and apples and mulled wine as he and Ivan cuddle in the dim light of red candles - and though he always had a vivid imaginations and dreamed about all different kinds of situations where he'd wish to be, this one, which filled his heart with warm fuzzy feeling, didn't seem to be impossible _at all_.


	16. Chapter 16

His arrival back to Barcelona was making him much more anxious than going home two weeks ago - it was actually the first time he traveled really alone, without his family and without any of his friends; Danijel stayed in Croatia to spend the New Year's Eve with Antonia, with the plan to fly to Spain on the 2nd of January, and so Luka flew alone four days prior to that, nervous about the party Ivan promised to throw in his house.

He was looking forward to seeing him again, though 'a party' wasn't exactly the form of reunion he would prefer, but he has already promised to come -

He sighed, putting his headphones on as he was getting comfortable in his plane seat. In fact, he was quite glad to fly alone now, as much as he loved Suba's company, he needed some time alone after the hectic and overcrowded holidays. His mom packed what seemed to be thousands of cans and bottles of homemade jam and some alcohol from all their relatives they managed to visit during the few days, and this time, it was his father who drove him to the airport in the morning, helping him with bags and reminding him to "Eat more to be stronger". Luka gave him a hug, said goodbye and sank deep in his inner worlds of imaginations, where he already was in Barcelona, hugging his boyfriend again.

By the time he actually got to Barcelona, he was tired, not as much by the flight which after all was very pleasant, but by his grueling worries that kept his mind busy the whole time. Ivan was waiting for him, just as he had promised, with a sign "LUKA ♥" in his hands, and it was ridiculous and sweet in the same moment. 

Maybe - just maybe - if Luka's hands weren't full of his luggage, he could have run straight in Ivan's arms and jump on him, wrapping his legs around his hips - 

"Lukita!" Ivan called, waving with his cardboard sign, smiling as usual.

Luka's heart fluttered - not only his boyfriend was here but he had a sign and he was smiling, obviously pleased with him coming back to the city.

"Lukita - how was the flight?" He hugged Luka, not minding his luggage and bag. "Is everything okay? I missed you so much - " He kissed the side of Luka's head sloppily, taking a step back right afterward. "You look so good. Aren't you tired?"

"It's alright," Luka smiled, repaying him the kiss with a similar one on Ivan's cheek. "Thank you for waiting for me - "

"That's okay. You have no idea how bored I was the last few days - " He took one of Luka's bags and his suitcase without asking. "I'm so glad you're here. All my friends are either with their partners or buried deep in the shit they need to do for their school - Jesus, I guess there really is a difference between a public and a private school, they really need to read all the books and stuff and study hard and they're all stressed about it while I'm just mooching around the whole day with nobody to hang out with - "

 "I should be studying as well - " Luka pointed out, laughing nervously. He didn't even touch the books during the Christmas break.

"Thank you so much for coming here so early - I'm really glad - I was shopping today, for the party, you know?"

"How many people will be there?" Luka asked, feeling his insides clench a little upon hearing about the damned party again.

"I don't know, ten? Twelve? We'll see who'll show up. Not more than twelve. Including you and me of course."

 "Alright."

"What? Don't tell me you changed your mind about that."

"No, no, I just - need to prepare myself for that."

"How? By putting your make-up on and wearing a nice dress?" Ivan laughed.

It didn't seem to impress Luka much. "Ivan, I'm being serious."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way - "

Luka stayed quiet, pacing a bit faster now, dragging his travel bag behind him.

"Lukita, come on - " Ivan grabbed his hand, trying to stop him. "Wait for me. Are you mad at me? I'm sorry, it was just a joke - Come on. Why don't you want to meet my friends?"

"The last time I saw some of them, it wasn't very pleasant, remember?"

 "Lukita, come on, that was a different situation - I'm sure they will apologize for that. And Diego won't be there anyway. He was the worst. I remember that."

"I still don't know - it seems so awkward to me, to meet the people who have known you for much longer - I don't think they'll be glad to have me there - "

"But you didn't arrive early just to tell me you won't go, right?"

"No. Of course I will come but - " He shook his head, lost for words. How can he explain to someone as sociable and extroverted as Ivan appeared to be that coming in a group of ten people who have known each other for long and who have been together through something didn't really appeal to him at all? Yes, he agreed to come. Now he kind of regretted it. Still, as long as Ivan will be there...

"Luka. I really want to spend that time with you. And if they don't like you, I don't care. They can go. I want to be with you on that night. Understood?"

Luka smiled, though some sadness remained in his expression. 

They came to the car and Ivan unlocked it. "Get your things on the back seat, babe."

 Luka did as he was told and then fixed his hair, getting on the passenger's seat. He has never been in a situation like this, none of his friends owned a car and none of his friends have ever picked him up at the airport, and it still felt natural as something he's been used to for years.

"Welcome back in Barcelona," Ivan laughed as he joined him in the car and fastened his seatbelt.

Then, he reached in for a kiss.

 

 

 Ivan drove him home and they spent the whole drive talking about their Christmas and presents and family reunions and Luka felt happy and wholesome again, just because Ivan, who appeared to be always sporting that beautiful smile, was there with him, and he was thoughtful and seemed to remember all the Modrić family members Luka has ever told him about.

 From what Luka learn, Ivan spent the Christmas with his parents and brother in their house - the idea of Ivan practically having his own house still seemed ridiculous to him - and he had a good time, seeing his whole family after a long time. It was all very nice, and they still celebrated this holiday in the Croatian way since both his parents were used to that. Oh - and in spring, they will all go visit the grandparents in Croatia.

When Ivan parked the car in front of the building with Luka and Suba's apartment, Luka felt a strange, tickling feeling around his heart, as if this moment was supposed to be somehow significant or important. He exhaled, looking at Ivan. 

"I'll help you with the bags," Ivan smiled, touching his hand. 

Luka tried not to panic, though this was always a challenge for him. 

Ivan is going to be in his home. Ivan is gonna go there, help him with the bags, and then - what? They're gonna end up standing there, looking at each other awkwardly? 

He was very quiet the whole time they went up the stairs to his and Suba's apartment, and he only said a lame "This is where we live" while opening the door.

"Wow - nice posters, by the way," Ivan said as he stepped inside. 

"Yeah - this is Zvonimir Boban - and this is Davor Šuker - " he said, pointing at the two posters in the small hallway. 

"I know," Ivan laughed, putting the bag he's been carrying down just to touch the photo of Boban in an almost religious manner. "Do you think my dad never talked about them?"

Luka shrugged. "I don't know - didn't he have like...Spanish idols?"

"No - he's always talking about the good old days and about this generation - Luka, he would love you just from looking at these posters. You couldn't be a bad guy in his eyes if you have these posters at home."

Luka smiled, almost blushing. "Well - and this way now - it's very small in here, actually, but it's okay for the two of us - "

"Yeah - " Ivan's eyes were roaming the bedroom where they came, putting all the luggage by the wall. "It's - _nice_."

 "I know you're probably used to other...kinds of accommodation," Luka said in a posh manner, but still feeling quite embarrassed by the thoughts of what Ivan has probably thought of such an apartment and how lame it must have looked compared with his villa.

"I really don't think about that at all."

Their eyes locked at that moment and Luka felt an unfightable urge to kiss Ivan, right there and then, just throw his arms around him and kiss him passionately.

"Can you - " he started and his eyes automatically shifted away from the beautiful face in front of him. "Can you stay here - ? For some time? I mean - just - for now? With me - " He still felt like this wasn't enough and he was ready to mumble and stutter some more but Ivan was faster, he placed his hand on the back of his head and smiled at him.

"I'll stay as long as you want me to."

"Yeah - "

Jesus Christ, that was a lame reaction.

"You're all tense - " Ivan whispered as he kissed his left temple. "You must be tired after the journey, right? I don't want to bother you at all - "

 "You could never bother me - "

"Well then," Ivan said, wrapping his hand around Luka's back and pulling him closer. "I missed you so much," he mumbled into Luka's skin, brushing his hungry lips against it. "Lukita - "

Oh God, what has he gotten himself into? Where is this going, why is this happening? Luka could see himself losing the control. It was getting too dangerously close to what Luka considered to be the safe edge - 

"Luka, you're still so tense - "

 Luka tried to ignore that as he grabbed a fistful of Ivan's hair and made him lean down for another kiss.

"You need to relax, baby - " Ivan smiled, sliding his hands on Luka's waist and wrapping them around it, before moving them down, on his butt. 

Luka exhaled, looking down - their bodies were pressed together and it was the most pleasant feeling he had in a long time. He buried his nose in the crook of Ivan's neck, letting Ivan's hands squeeze his butt, which made him laugh, and press him even closer,  which dragged a moan out of him.

"Which bed is yours?" Ivan whispered, nudging his nose and forehead against Luka's own.

 Luka just jerked away in panic, with eyes staring at the ground.

"Lukita, what's wrong?" Ivan touched his cheek, and there was no hungry passion in the touch, only caring interest, and he made Luka look up in his eyes. "You don't want this?"

"I'm - I do, of course! I do," he repeated as he pushed Ivan away and got himself out of his embrace just to start pacing the room. His eyes were darting around and his cheeks were flushed because he felt so, so embarrassed; he bit his lip and fixed his hair. "It's just - "

Ivan's eyes were following him though Ivan himself didn't make a move to get back close to him and Luka was thankful for that because he needed to keep on moving since the anxiety wouldn't let him stand in one place. "What is it?"

 "I never had sex, okay?" he exclaimed desperately, stopping for a second. He looked horrified by his own sharp words and started pacing around immediately. "It's just - I never did that - I mean - other things, yeah, but not - like, real sex - it was just - blowjob, handjob - "

Ivan was staring at him, trying to stay serious and composed but Luka looked so dissolved and confused it made his heart melt. 

" - and I'm a bit - scared, maybe? - I don't know - I just don't feel - like I can - do this now - "

He looked at Ivan with a deep sadness in his eyes that made his heart clench in pity. "Oh, God, Lukita - it's okay - " he said, coming closer to him, wrapping his one hand around Luka's waist again while the other stroked his hair. "I wouldn't take it that far - not if you don't want to - "

"I'm sorry - I didn't know when to tell you. I'm sorry."

"There's nothing to be sorry for - "

"I'm just a stupid fucking twenty-two-year-old virgin - " he mumbled, burying his face in Ivan's jacket. It was the same one he had the first time they met.

"Lukita - stop. I won't let you talk like that - "

"But it's true - "

"No. Luka. You know who's stupid? Me. I am the one who should be ashamed - " His fingers played with Luka's hair. "Or you know what? Nobody should be ashamed. It doesn't matter. Why would it matter? I don't care. And you shouldn't as well. Thank you for telling me still. You know what? I'll let you unpack, okay? I'm sure you need some rest. Aren't you hungry?"

"Well - "

"Do you have any food in here?"

"No, we had to finish everything before we left so we could defrost the fridge - I guess we still have some pasta and ramen or so - " His voice was still filled with sadness, a sadness over spoiling what seemed to be the perfect romantic moment.

"Alright. Is there any shop nearby?" he asked but before Luka could even think about an answer, he just flipped his phone out. "Nevermind, I'll look it up. You want something special?"

"No."

"Luka," he said softly. "I'll be back in a minute. I'll make us some sandwiches or whatever, I'm not really much of a cook. And I want you to focus on unpacking your stuff. Or just rest if you want to. Okay?"

"I always spoil everything, right?" Luka said quietly, blinking fast.

 Ivan smiled, running a thumb across his jawline. "Never. I'll love to spend the afternoon with you, any way you want."


	17. Chapter 17

Ivan was back within half an hour, carrying a bottle of wine and a grocery bag. 

"How much did it cost?" Luka asked as he watched Ivan put the bag on the kitchen counter.

"Luka, please - " Ivan shrugged and started looking for a corkscrew in the drawers. "Do you have wine glasses?"

"Do I look like that?"

Ivan gave him an amused look, shook his head in disbelief and sighed. "So we'll drink it from the bottle, right?"

"We have _normal glasses_ , you know?"

"Alright. Hey, go unpacking, okay? I'll prepare something."

Luka watched him in his desperate attempt to find the damned corkscrew, opening all different drawers and cabinets. "The corkscrew is with the cutlery over there, down left. And plates are in the top cabinet - to the right," he instructed him. He didn't know why but seeing Ivan at his place didn't feel weird at all, though it was the first time he's been here; it felt just right as if he belonged in here. "Yeah."

"Great. Thanks."

 Luka smirked, watching him fight with the cork for some more seconds, and then he left the room to fulfill Ivan's wish and finally go unpacking. He returned to the kitchen with the jars of home-made jams and spirits; Ivan was just in the process of cutting something on the counter and he turned his head and smiled so beautifully Luka almost forgot why he even came to the room.

"What's that?" Ivan asked, not looking at the tomatoes he's been cutting.

"Some stuff I brought from home - you know, marmalade and some alcohol - "

"Nice combination."

"It's all based on fruits. It's from my aunt's neighbors, they have a garden and so many raspberry and cherry trees, they always sell the fruit in summer and then all these products in winter - " 

"Yeah, I see."

"What are you making?" Luka asked as he put the jars and bottles in the empty fridge. He came closer to see and though it was not his intention, his hand somehow wrapped around Ivan's waist as he inspected the vegetables and bread laying on the counter. 

Ivan giggled, not minding the touch at all. "Are you hungry?" He took a piece of the tomato he's just cut and brought it to Luka's lips, looking at him in the corner of his eyes playfully. 

Luka accepted the game and took a bite of the tomato; he didn't eat the whole piece since he was afraid of unintentionally biting Ivan's fingers.

"You're beautiful," Ivan exhaled and turned his whole body towards Luka, putting the knife down. His hand was free now and he seized the opportunity to touch Luka's chin and his lips and wipe some of the juice that came out of the tomato as Luka bit it. He placed the rest of the vegetable in between Luka's lips and watched him chew it from this close distance, completely taken by the sight. "God, you're so beautiful," he whispered and pressed his forehead against Luka's, wrapping his hand around Luka's neck. "I knew it - the first time I saw you - "

"How can you talk like that," Luka mumbled, burying his face in Ivan's neck. It felt nice, warm and welcoming, not tense at all, and Luka could feel his heart melting to the sound of Ivan's words.

"You're the most beautiful person I have ever seen - "

"You haven't seen many of them then, have you?" Luka giggled, rubbing his nose and lips against Raketa's neck.

"I've seen too many and you're still better than anyone I've met."

"We need to talk."

"Sure - " Ivan's smile was suddenly frozen and meaningless. "What? Why?"

"I just want to talk with you....about anything and everything...really - "

"About relationships?"

"I still feel like we don't know much about each other."

"We don't have to know everything - "

"But it feels like knowing nothing."

 "That's not true."

"It is!" Luka pulled away, looking his boyfriend in the eyes. "Ivan, I'm sorry if it bothers you - but I'm dying to know more about you - "

 "I'll tell you anything, just ask - " Ivan looked at him, seemingly surprised by his mood, and placed a quick peck on his lips, as a kind of comfort.

" _So what are you making_?" Luka asked again, smiling because of the soft kiss he received just seconds ago from Rakitić.

"Some sandwiches." 

 "Great. Bring it over there, to the living room, when you're finished, and call me -and we can talk - and all that - "

The living room was actually part of the kitchen, or more likely, the kitchen was part of the living room. It was all one room, the room where Luka would spend most of his alone time, watching the TV or reading and studying- but mostly the former. 

 "Sure, baby," Ivan smiled. Luka thought he would be used by now to hearing the word "baby" instead of his name, but he still felt overwhelmed by the sound of it, coming from Ivan.

He giggled, felt like blushing, and went back to unpacking his bags.

 Ivan called him back in ten minutes, proudly presenting the most well-decorated coffee table Luka has ever seen - it looked like Ivan took all the plates, bowls, glasses and trays he could find and placed them all at the small table in the living room part and then filled them with the groceries in a Michelin restaurant manner. Luka has never seen such a variety of _everything_ , it looked like one of those photos from travel guides, he could even imagine the description - _What to eat in Barcelona? Spanish cuisine is famous for its tapas_. There were tomatoes, colorful bell peppers, at least three kinds of cheese, some sausage sliced up, green and black olives, dried tomatoes in oil, some baguettes and three different dipping sauces, all perfectly colorful and fresh looking, and on the biggest tray, there were six sandwiches with lettuce and cheese and dressing and Luka felt hungry all of sudden, hungry and amazed.

If it was up to him, he would have a slice of bread with butter and still be completely content but Ivan's effort just left him speechless - once again.

"You're crazy - " he breathed out, turning to him. "All this-? For us?"

"Well I thought if you want to talk, you know...and with the wine...it would be a good combination..."

"You said you'd just make the sandwiches - "

"Luka, it's just sliced up vegetable and nicely arranged salami and cheese."

"It all looks so good!"

"I hope you're hungry then."

"You're spoiling me so much," he laughed.

Ivan pulled him closer, wrapping a hand around his waist. "I'm doing this all for myself, you know?" he mumbled before kissing Luka's cheek. When he saw Luka's puzzled look, he smiled and stroked the spot he had kissed. "Seeing you happy makes me happy. So it's actually very selfish of me."

 "Oh God, _stop_ ," Luka giggled, pushing him away jokingly.

"And seeing you eat might be my biggest kink now," Ivan continued, not letting him out of his arms. "I don't know why - for example in that Indian restaurant, remember? Jesus, you looked so beautiful...so relaxed, normal, content. I'll take you to restaurants just to watch you eat."

Luka felt embarrassed by such weirdly _specific_ affection; he didn't know how to react so he just bit his lip and looked at the floor.

"I'll pour the wine," Ivan said, tapping on his shoulder and then walking back to the kitchen counter to grab the bottle. "You can sit down and start eating, babe."

Luka smirked; still having Ivan's words about watching him eat in his mind. It didn't seem as weird now, actually, the thought of Ivan being obsessed with this specific thing seemed cute to him now. He sat down on the couch and leaned over the coffee table to inspect all the food from close. 

Ivan brought the bottle, two glasses, and the corkscrew, put the glasses down on the table and then kneeled by it with the bottle, working on its seal and his precise moves seemed to Luka much more interesting than the bowls with tomatoes and peppers.

"What are you looking at?" Ivan asked, well aware of being stared at.

"Your arms - " Luka was not lying. "You have so beautiful arms - I never noticed you had so many tattoos - "

"I'll show you later," Ivan chuckled, trying to pull the cork out.

Luka swallowed hard - Ivan's well-toned arms looked so good as he was trying to do something as normal as opening a bottle of wine, and he was looking down at it with such intensity that sent shivers down Luka's spine; he was opening a bottle of wine but Luka only saw his arm muscles and tattoos and the simple plain shirt that fitted his body so well, and the half-open mouth, so inviting, as if ready to be kissed rough - and Luka could only wonder how this beautiful guy looks like caught in an orgasm - 

He blushed, suddenly not knowing what to do with his hands, so he quickly grabbed one piece of salami and shoved it in his mouth, trying to push the thought away. Or at least - save it for later.

 Ivan finally won his fight with the well-corked bottle, he poured the wine in the two glasses and handed one to Luka with a smile; it only made Luka blush more, feeling almost dirty for having such thoughts now and here.

"So," Ivan started in a festive tone, getting up from the floor, using Luka's knee as support and unintentionally making him feel even more embarrassed by the inexplicable wave of lust that seemed to appear out of nowhere. "Here's to - this beautiful Croatian. Cheers."

"That's to _you_ ," Luka replied, finally managing to look him in the eyes. Ivan shook his head with a smile and clinked their glasses together. "Cheers."

They both took a sip. 

"Come sit down here with me - " Luka pulled his hand. Ivan giggled as he did what he was told to.

"You remind me of this song now," he said, placing his glass down on the table. " _Wine in the afternoon_." He smiled, watching Luka take another gulp of the red wine.  "But you know what this means?" he asked, nodding towards the open bottle.

"What?" Luka leaned against the couch backrest, watching his boyfriend - it still seemed unreal to him, the phrase _his boyfriend_ \- with interest.

"I can't drive home now." He leaned back as well, bringing his face as close to Luka's as he could. "And it's not like I mind at all."


	18. Chapter 18

"You wanted to see the tattoos, right?" Ivan asked, putting his glass on the table. 

"Yeah, sure!" How could he say no to inspecting Ivan's beautiful arms from close?

"Well - " Ivan reached out his hands, showing the upper side, covered with black ink, letters and pictures. "That's it. They all have their meanings and reasons - if you want to hear that."

"I'd love to." Luka dared to touch the first motive that caught his attention. " _A rosary_? Are you very religious?"

Ivan chuckled. "Very religious? I don't know. I just wanted some reminder of faith...of believing, actually."

" _Dejan_ ," Luka read from the next tattoo. "That's your brother's name, right?"

"Yeah. He's constantly far away, in different countries so it's nice to have at least his name like this..."

"I have two sisters," Luka blurted out and immediately regretted it since he felt like it had to appear as if he was trying to make it all about him. But Ivan just smiled.

"I know, you told me already. But you don't have their names tattooed."

"I'm not really...that kind of a person."

" _What_ kind of a person?" Ivan asked. Their heads were close, _too close_ , Luka thought; he could clearly see the soft stubble on Ivan's jawline and his greenish eyes and it was so hard to follow and understand the said words.

"Oh - " Ivan's lips were like a magnet to his eyes. "The kind of person who gets themselves hurt to have a few pictures or symbols printed in their skin forever."

 "Where do you get these words," Ivan laughed, closing his eyes and throwing his head back, to rest it against the back of the couch. The winter afternoon sun was shining through the window, giving Ivan's exposed neck, jawline, and cheek with the softest highlights, and Luka wondered if this is how the great painters felt while seeing their muses because if he could paint, he would definitely immortalize this moment in one of his great works. But he was just a simple man, far away from home, with the most handsome guy he has ever seen, and the only thing he could do was stare.

And touch.

He reached for the beautiful, pale neck, and caressed the skin there, feeling a comfortable and relaxed humming sound from Ivan as a sign of approval.

"You are so beautiful."

 Ivan smiled and tilted his head a bit to get more of Luka's touch without opening his eyes.

 The bowls and trays with food were standing on the coffee table without any use, Luka noticed that, and at the same time, he realized just how perfectly Ivan's lips were parted and the memory of Ivan's previous words about watching him eat came back to him. He grabbed one piece of cheese and brought it close to Ivan's lips, tapping the piece gently on the lower lip as if to ask permission to go on. Ivan's eyes snapped open and he looked puzzled at first but slowly, as the realization struck him, the usual softness spread across his face and he accepted the piece of cheese put in his mouth by Luka's fingers.

Neither of them spoke, afraid to ruin the electric atmosphere that surrounded them all of sudden, sacred and silent. Ivan slowly chewed the food and swallowed it, looking at Luka with undeniable hunger in his eyes - not hunger for more food but hunger for more of this game and hunger for more of these tender, gentle touches.

Luka's hand was trembling as he reached for the next piece of the prepared finger food; this time, he opted for the dried tomato in oil. Ivan's lips were slightly pouted as if he couldn't wait for the next piece being brought to him. Luka rested his thumb and pointing finger, both moisturized by the aromatic oil, against the lips that were moving as Ivan chewed this piece. It felt incredible, and the oil was just making this slight movement ten times better, leaving Ivan's lips all slick and delightfully glossy - 

The breath caught in Luka's throat when Ivan suddenly, without warning, after swallowing what he was fed, sucked the tips of his two fingers in his mouth. It went in perfectly, with no resistance from Luka and with the help of the oil; all Luka could do was hold back a moan as Ivan took more in, maintaining a fiery eye-contact.

 It was not a game anymore, Luka realized, trying to control his breathing and make it sound the most normal he was able to. It was hard with his frantic heartbeat, lack of air and a feeling of lightheadedness taking over him.

 When Ivan's tongue massaged the tips of his fingers, he couldn't refrain from biting his lip forcefully. He's never been more aroused and he's never seen anything more erotic than Ivan, sucking on his fingers covered in olive oil from dried tomatoes. Sitting at the couch was becoming more and more uncomfortable and looking in Ivan's hungry green eyes was unbearable, he needed more, he needed to touch him, to feel Ivan's skin on his, to kiss him, and more, to feel his heartbeat, and more, to grab him by his hair and pull him into a maddening passionate kiss and even more, more and more - 

" _Fuck_ ," he moaned, feeling the tongue play with his fingers. "Oh - fuck - Ivan - "

With a smack, Ivan pulled away, his own harsh breath warming the fingers from distance now. "You're playing with fire, Luka," he warned him, eyes unusually dark with lust.

"I want to burn," Luka exhaled, giving in to the maddening feeling of completely losing control. He needed those tomatoes flavored kisses and clumsy touches and warm lips and Ivan's voice resonating in his head thousand times, saying all those beautiful words - 

"Come on, baby," Ivan whispered, touching his chin and pulling him closer. "I'll take care of that - "

 The kiss tasted of tomatoes and wine and the touch of their lips was not enough, Luka threw his hands around Ivan's neck to forbid him from pulling away as he took a hasty half-breath before deepening the kiss more. It took Ivan a few seconds to adapt to the new situation but he got used to it very quickly, at least that was what Luka thought when his hands roamed down his back until they found the rim of his t-shirt. 

"No, not this - " he mumbled against Ivan's lips breathily.

" _What_ \- " The frustration in Ivan's voice was obvious and he started pulling the shirt up but Luka stopped him immediately, controlling at least for a moment his mind.

He could feel his heart in his throat as he was trying to form a sentence that would somehow explain his terrible, stupid fear - he didn't want Ivan to see him naked. Or even half-naked. He would turn the daylight off if he could and make the room completely dark to not think about how embarrassing and awkward it all appeared to him now when he swiftly looked around - here? now? on this couch? in broad daylight? in the middle of the afternoon? on this exact spot where he usually sits, talking to Suba? so close to all the food? also, with the curtains open? The more he noticed all those details around, the more worried he felt about all that, and his eyes darted around the room to try and find something to look at to have at least a slight chance to form his words coherently. "Don't take it off - Go on but - don't take the shirt off - "

Ivan's breath brushed against his neck and his hands slid under the shirt to touch Luka's skin. "I want to see you - all of you - " He tried to go on with rolling the shirt up but Luka grabbed him, though weakly, by his shoulders.

"I don't want it."

The hands stopped; Ivan's eyes were locked with Luka's for a few seconds. Horrendous scenarios ran through Luka's frantic mind - _he's gonna take it as a full-time stop, he's gonna take it badly, he's gonna push me away and walk off_ - 

"Well, you got me there," he admitted but there was a mischevious sparkle in his eyes, without any sign of anger or annoyance. He understood. He actually understood what Luka meant - he stopped working on the shirt and pulled his hands out of underneath the shirt but instead of fully backing off, he placed the hands on Luka's thighs instead.

And that was better.

Luka exhaled, relieved. _Ivan got it_ , and Luka has never been more happy about anyone understanding his _not always clear_ wishes.

_Ivan understands. He knows I don't want him to actually stop. He understands it's just this one specific thing. He understands it's not like he doesn't want him to continue._

He felt a new wave of gratefulness and adoration for the blonde guy whose hands started slowly rubbing circles on his thighs.

"Is this okay?" he asked in a low voice that was itself enough for Luka to moan from the back of his throat.

"Yes - yes, of course, my God - " He spread his legs slightly, allowing Ivan better access and more comfortable position, and as Ivan started laying kisses on his neck, tracing a line down to the hem of his collar and then lower, kissing his chest through the cloth, sliding lower and lower with each careful kiss, Luka watched the furniture of the room, knowing he would never be able to see this room the same way as before - he won't be able to sit there on the couch without remembering this very moment, the moment Ivan kissed him passionately with hands rubbing his back, the moment his nifty fingers got to his jeans button and zip, the moment he unbuttoned it and slowly dragged the zip down - the moment - 

" _Fuck_!" Luka cried, trembling under the touch, and his hips rocked forward to meet Ivan's touch again. Luka couldn't control the need, he craved Ivan's touches, he needed to feel them and he needed more of them - 

Ivan's face dropped in his crotch and the feeling of his nose and lips rubbing against the bulge in the underwear made Luka throw his head back and grab the armrest in desperation, digging his fingers in the material. How long, _Jesus_ , _how long has he been waiting_ - 

He jerked his hips again to increase the friction against Ivan's face and he could hear a muffled laugh. " _Like a virgin_ ," Ivan hummed against the cloth. " _Touched for the very first time_ \- "

Luka would laugh if it didn't seem appropriate to him at this moment. Or - could he laugh? Were they supposed to actually talk while doing this? Mario didn't talk. He didn't talk. The people in the porn he's watched didn't talk, except for all the exaggerated ' _Oh God'_ s and ' _Give it to me'_ s. Was this a relationship thing? He used his other hand to put it on top of Ivan's head and entangle his fingers in Ivan's hair. 

 He should stop thinking, he really should - _God_ \- he should turn his brain off, he shouldn't be thinking about anything now, with Ivan's lips nibbling his skin through the thin cloth - 

"You'll need to help me with that - " Ivan muttered, pulling the underwear down. Luka tried to say " _Yes_ " but the only sound he could make was a long, breathy groan while he did as Ivan said and started helping him roll down his boxers along with the undone jeans, he rolls it down to his knees and lets it drop down, or maybe not, he doesn't care now; Ivan's lips are back and his velvety warm tongue makes him shiver with pleasure.

How long, _how fucking long_ \- he hasn't felt like this - for months - and his mind just blacks out -

It's not his hand now, it's not his moves and he can't control them; it's Ivan, Ivan Rakitić, the most handsome guy he's ever seen, and it's his perfect lips tightly wrapped around him, and his head slowly going down and up and down and the feeling is too much, it's too much and too soon - 

He grabs some of Ivan's hair, pulling it roughly, and opens his mouth as if to scream, holding onto Ivan for dear life, curling his fingers and toes at the feeling of the overwhelming relief.

After a few seconds - and Ivan's lips are still there - his voice comes back and he finally lets out a long, exhausted moan that sounds almost painful - _and Ivan's lips are still there_.

" _My God_ ," Luka whined, catching his breath. "I'm sorry - "

Ivan has finally raised his head and sat up; his face was the same as always, beautiful, content and tenderly smiling as if nothing has just happened, as if he hasn't just blown him and swallowed every last drop without batting an eyelid.

"I'm sorry - " Luka said again, this time more composed as he was coming back to his senses.

"What for?" Ivan asked innocently, helping him get his boxers and jeans back on. "I loved it."

"But you - you did all the work and - " His cheeks were flushed, partly from what has just happened and partly from his own inability to name it accordingly.

"Who says we can't go on?" Ivan smirked.


	19. Chapter 19

They didn't really do much, in the end. Ivan asked Luka in between the light kisses if he wants to continue in the bedroom and immediately saw the panic creep back in his eyes.

"We don't have to," he assured him soothingly, laying yet another kiss on his lips.

"It's - it's all so much - " Luka whispered. "At once - "

"That's okay, really. As long as you - help me with this - " He giggled under his breath, bringing Luka's hand on his own thigh with a very telling look in his eyes and Luka smirked, his heart skipping a beat at the thought. 

The handjob was sloppy, rough and short, Luka could barely even concentrate on the moves of his hand because he was too busy keeping Ivan's lips close to his, kissing him over and over again until they were both out of breath, and the steady pumping soon became a lazy slow movement, almost unintentional. Ivan was beautiful, he really was, even now, even with his jeans pulled half the way down his legs and with a shaky breath, moaning in between the kisses and even biting Luka's lower lip, holding it between his teeth gently for a while before letting go.

"You're good," he mumbled, and this kind of praise was worth more than gold to Luka.

 It seemed weird to Luka - but now, he didn't mind anything from the previously terrifying factors around - the fact that it's the couch in the living room they're sitting and making out on, that it's like five in the afternoon and the light is on, It was okay. He was still too shy to look lower than Ivan's chest - _that_ would be inappropriate. Touching was okay. It felt nice. That was all he needed for now. Ivan's soft, well-controlled moans, were like music to his ears, the slow, tender one that could put him to sleep, and Luka tried his best to remember how exactly it sounds to be able to think back to this humming and purring later.

 They kissed through Ivan's orgasm - when he whimpered and froze for a moment, lost in his own pleasure and forgetting Luka's hungry lips for a while, Luka held him tight in an embrace and for the first time, he felt like the stronger and more composed one.

"Oh God - " Ivan moaned, looking him in the eyes. His pupils were still dilated and the color appeared to be much darker. "You have _no idea_ \- "

Luka giggled, feeling absolutely spent and satisfied, with his hands still in Ivan's pants, and he groaned a little when he remembered he should probably get them both cleaned up and forget that all this has happened on this couch if he ever wants to sit there calmly again.

He got up, feeling a bit dizzy, and walked towards the kitchen counter to grab some paper towels. His hand was stained with come and it seemed unnatural and unbelievable at the same time that it was not his - Jesus Christ what has he done? He grabbed more of the towels and returned back to Ivan, who was smiling at him as bright as ever, too lazy to even pull his trousers back up again.

"Here you go," Luka said, finding out how raspy his voice was just now, and handed him some of the towels. 

"Thanks."

And once again, Luka was surprised at how civic and normal this situation was - as if they only just finished eating the tapas and wanted to wipe their hands or something, and it didn't feel strange at all. 

He threw the used towels in a trash can and came back to sit by Ivan, who finally got himself together, buttoned up his pants reached for his wine glass again.

 Luka sat next to him a bit awkwardly, not knowing whether talking right now would be a good idea because the atmosphere was still somehow...different. At least Ivan was back in the charge of their actions. He put his glass down on the coffee table and wrapped his hand around Luka's shoulders, pulling him closer to his chest and giggling in his hair.

"Well, Lukita - you really make my stay here worth it," he laughed, kissing the back of his head gently. Luka chuckled and reached for one of the black olives in the bowl, with Ivan's hand still around his shoulders. "What are your plans for January, baby?"

"Plans? I don't have any plans - well, except for passing the exams - "

 "Oh." Ivan's fingers crawled up the back of Luka's hair and started massaging it tenderly. "You take the studies too seriously."

"I came here to study - "

"And stayed for me?"

Luka let out a short laugh. But it was indeed a serious thing to think about, now that Ivan mentioned it. What's going to be - _later_? What's gonna happen in June, July, when he goes back to Croatia?

"Ivan," he cleared his throat, laying his head on Ivan's shoulder that was so conveniently close as if it was meant for this. "Is this too early or too late for you?"

"What? What do you mean?"

 "I mean - how quickly are you used to - moving forward?"

"Luka, you're really a little mysterious stranger to me sometimes," Ivan laughed, pressing his face in Luka's hair and kissing his head again.

"I always feel like you're waiting for me - to call you back, to kiss you, to agree with - this - "

"I don't mind that."

"But you sure are used to doing this stuff - _faster_."

"Honestly, how much time exactly do you need before giving someone a blowjob?"

"That's not what I meant - " He bit his lip. "But how much?"

"You want that in numbers? Two hours."

Luka didn't expect such straightforward answer to what even wasn't his real question; he just wanted to know how seriously Ivan takes relationships and what might happen in the summer, when his year of studying abroad ends - but all of sudden, this seemed like a more interesting theme of discussion.

Though there was a _teeny_ bit of jealousy that hit his heart.

" _Two hours_?" he repeated in disbelief.

Well, there he was - the perfect man, Ivan Rakitić, sharing some juicy details about himself. Except for the jealousy and second-hand embarrassment, Luka didn't mind it. At least it felt like getting to know him better.

Ivan took his hand. "Promise you'll laugh at this."

"Why?"

"Because I would cry otherwise."

"Jesus Christ you're scaring me - "

"Well, it happened in a club. Some party night or whatever. The other guy was from Austria, a foreign student, like you."

Luka smirked, but his mind was completely focused on the story.

"He spoke some broken English and Spanish, drank cuba libre and probably felt like he's at the best party of his life. Well - it didn't really take long."

"You took him home?"

"No, he took me to the toilet stand."

" _God_ \- "

"Yeah, things went pretty quickly there."

"And you never saw him again?"

"Yeah. The thing is - I was in the club with my then-girlfriend."

The silence only made his words seem worse.

"Now please laugh, Luka, or I'll kill myself for telling you this - "

Luka raised his head, looking at him in disbelief. "Are you serious?"

 "Do I look like I'm joking?"

"I - I don't know," Luka stuttered and he suddenly realized that Ivan's been holding his hand tightly for some time. "I mean - I can't say anything to this - just - why are you telling me that?" He could feel his cheeks turning red again.

"You always want to know something more about me - and I felt like - I should tell you something of this at some point because - because you probably feel like you're the one who's new in this whole relationship thing but - well, for me, this kind of a relationship is new as well. Although it might not seem so." His fingers played with Luka's, caressing them.

"Why did you do that?" Luka asked quietly, puzzled. Somewhere back in his mind, he knew he should probably feel horrified or disgusted but somehow, this brand new information didn't seem to bother him.

"I guess because it was a guy. I mean the girl was nice and everything but - I feel like I just needed a guy. I mean - physically. Or something of that kind."

"Are you - bisexual?"

Ivan smirked, shrugging. "I hate these labels. If the person is nice, everything is possible - "

Luka was still staring at him.

"But," Ivan continued, "when it comes to physical attraction, I guess I prefer guys. It's just...something about the body, you know?" He placed his hand on Luka's thigh as if to show him what he meant. "It just feels better."

"So you slept with the girl as well?"

 "Well - yeah. We dated."

"Okay."

Luka's thoughts were stirred. He had no idea what to make from this. So he got to know more about Ivan. Great. Not that it were very pleasant information. Well, everyone has some kind of history. For example, he is a stupid virgin who dated only one guy before. Is Ivan worse? No way. Is he a cheater? No. He would never call him that. He was sure he should, by some magical unwritten law, feel attacked, accuse Ivan of being a liar and a disgusting person, and kick him out - but it all seemed a rather hysterical thing to do, unreasonable and cruel. Ivan has opened his heart and told him the truth. Supposedly. 

 "I told her," Ivan continued after clearing his throat, "everything. I just couldn't pretend that nothing has happened. I said goodbye to the guy, went back to find her - she was with some friends, drunk, dancing, you know, she almost didn't realize I was gone - and it felt horrible, really, to be talking to her and dancing with her when I knew I just had a random guy's dick in my mouth. The other day I just told her what I did and we broke up. It wasn't even dramatic. I doubt she knew what to say so we just...parted quietly."

Luka nodded, still lost in his thoughts. What is he supposed to say? How is he supposed to act? Should this story change his mind about Ivan?

"Now you know me a little better, Luka."

Jesus, his voice was so small, it didn't sound like him at all.

"And you can probably tell how different this all feels for me."

"Yeah. It must be - " He was trying to find the right words. "It must be boring to be taking such baby steps with me - "

"No. No!" He grasped Luka's hand needily, turning to him with his whole body. " _Not at all_." He reached for Luka's face.

 _The thing about cheating_ \- it was definitely not the nicest thing to learn.

It was definitely not flattering nor the most pleasant thing to hear. 

But it felt personal. It felt.. _.deep_.

And Ivan's eyes were so beautifully apologetic - yes, _yes, of course_ , he shouldn't count on the eyes, but he couldn't help it. He unconditionally trusted him everything.

Luka always relied on his instinct. And his instinct was decisive - nothing has changed. Ivan shared something from his past. Good. He's moved on. Everything has moved on. People change. People grow.

Luka didn't feel anything else to this man than what he had all the time - just love.

"I told you already that you make me a better person, remember?" Ivan said, pulling Luka in for a kiss. "You're worth everything."


	20. Chapter 20

Luka was rightfully nervous before coming to Ivan's party. After what has happened two days ago after he had arrived back to Barcelona, he couldn't stop thinking about Ivan.

His touch.

His kisses.

His hands.

His breathing.

He missed it all.

He missed the way Ivan touched him, kissed him and held him tight in his hands, not willing to let go, not letting him doubt his love and care.

He called Suba in the evening of that day, just to tell him he's in Barcelona already, safe and sound in their apartment, and wish him a happy new year in advance as he was not sure what he might be up to during the actual midnight of New Year's Eve. Danijel was with his girlfriend, spending the last days of the year 2017 at the family cabin in the countryside, which seemed like the most romantic idea to Luka. If his family had a cabin, he wouldn't hesitate for a second to take Ivan there with him - 

" _I saw some of our old friends yesterday_ \- " Suba told him, way too excited. Luka kept his mouth shut about his new experiences with Ivan, though he would love to share some of the juicy details - he didn't want to bother him with it , at least not for now. " _You know, Iva organized a little gathering_ \- "

Oh, of course, Luka's old class. They never seemed to invite him to this kind of events.

He learned to not care about that. He probably wouldn't be able to go anyway but the fact that nobody even bothered to write to him and invite him still hurt a bit. If it wasn't for Suba, he wouldn't even know that anything was taking place.

" _You wouldn't have guessed who was there as well_!"

Yeah, he definitely wouldn't. 

Luka had to smile as he heard Danijel's excited voice.

" _I don't mean to sound like an old gossiping lady but - Mario was there as well. I don't even know who invited him because I don't remember him being friends with anyone from our class - well, except for you of course_."

"I don't know either - well, I hope he's fine."

" _You bet he is! Are you familiar with this new....friend of his_?"

"What _friend of his_?" It took him a while to understand that Danijel meant "boyfriend" more than a "friend". "Oh - _oh, I didn't know_ \- but whatever, I wish him only the best. We're on good terms."

" _Good, good_ ," Suba said hastily. " _He was there with him. And let me tell you - he does have a type_."

Luka smirked. "Good for him."

" _Short guy, long blonde hair... Does that ring a bell? I heard his name is Domagoj, and Mario really looked ridiculous with him. They were like a comic duo or something_. _He looked kinda different, I mean, he didn't look like some edgy emo teenager, and we even spoke._   _He told me to say hello for him_."

"Thanks. And what are you up to now?"

" _Well, you know - there's not much to do in this wildlife - no neighbors, no traffic - so we just go for walks or - you know, stay inside_  - "

"Oh yeah. Well - I won't bother you then. Enjoy that and have fun." He blushed immediately, wondering how Suba might interpret this.

" _Sure. You have fun at your party_."

 

 

 It was not exactly fun getting ready. What should he wear? Ivan didn't tell him anything specific about the style of the party. Normally, Luka wouldn't bother much about his clothes, he would just wear anything comfortable. Actually, normally, he probably wouldn't go anywhere. But this was a different case, this was Ivan's party, and it looked like Ivan really wanted to have him there - 

He sighed, looking at the simple jeans and more formal black trousers he has found in the wardrobe. Should he be elegant? Should he be casual, laid-back? He definitely didn't want to arrive there looking like some hillbilly in a plaid shirt and torn jeans with all the other people wearing their most elegant clothes. It would be better to be overdressed. Ivan is rich, the house he lives in probably looks according to that, and so do his friends.

In the end, he decided for a bit more formal clothes, black pants, and white shirt, buttoned up to his neck, with a black blazer. He looked maybe too formal - but that doesn't matter, he tried to calm himself as he watched his own reflection in the mirror. He wants to look good for Ivan. The other people - they don't matter. It's all about Ivan tonight.

As usual, his poor attempts to stop overthinking didn't help much. What if the wine he bought two bottles of is too cheap for their - and mostly Ivan's - likings? What if he messes something up? He got dressed too early as Ivan promised to pick him up around eight in the evening and he's been running around the apartment in his shirt and pants since half-past six, sweating already. He tried playing some music, eating some instant soup, and in the utter anxious desperation, he searched for some alcohol to drink beforehand. All he could find was the rest of the one bottle of wine that Ivan had bought two days ago and they didn't finish. It was still better than nothing, so he drank the rest of the wine in a few quick gulps. 

Then he made himself a nice bitter and strong black coffee because somehow coffee always seemed to double the effects of alcohol on him.

When Ivan texted him "I'm here ;)", he was fidgety, anxious, and his heart was racing. He grabbed the two bottles of the gift wine, realized he forgot to put on his jacket so he put the bottles down again, got himself fully dressed, took the wine and his keys and phone and left.

It was dark outside already, and all that could be heard was the muffled sound of running TV from inside the building as Luka opened the front door; otherwise, the street was silent. Ivan's car was standing there by the curb with lights on.

Luka carefully walked towards it, paying attention to every step because in his mind, the only possible thing for him to do was to slip, drop the bottles and break them. Ivan got out of the car with his big cheerful smile and walked on the other side to open the door for Luka.

"Hi baby," he said and kissed Luka on his cheek while holding the door to the passenger's seat open. "You didn't have to buy any wine, we have gallons of that - "

"No, it's okay - I wanted to bring something - just in case."

"That's nice."

He waited for Luka to get in the car and then closed the door and went to take his seat behind the wheel.

"How have you been, Luka?"

 "Good," he says quickly, trying to figure out a way to fasten his seatbelt with his hands full of the stupid wine. 

"I'll help you with that - " Ivan reached for the seatbelt and pulled it over Luka's chest, being so close Luka could clearly smell his aftershave or whatever it was that put all his senses on hold. Fuck, he wanted _this_ \- not some party and strangers and loud music - he would much rather spend the night here in Ivan's car, with the two bottles.

"Thanks," he mumbled when the seatbelt clicked.

Ivan looked at him with a smile. "Let's go then," he said and pulled Luka closer for a small kiss. "Everyone's waiting for you."

It didn't exactly make him feel flattered - more like wanting to throw up. 

"So - I'm the highlight of the party?" He even forced himself to laugh.

"Luka, you're the highlight of my life."

They were both quiet for a few seconds.

Then Luka burst into soft, relieved laughter. 

Okay, maybe it wasn't going to be such a terrible night.


	21. Chapter 21

The whole neighborhood looked way too posh for Luka's likings, and the more villas they passed, the more nervous Luka felt. He started fixing his hair obsessively, playing with the seatbelt and taking deeper breaths, hoping Ivan would not notice.

"Are you nervous?"

He laughed instead of an answer, which itself was telling enough.

"Don't be," Ivan said, tapping on his thigh.

Luka smirked. Had it been Suba telling him simply to not be nervous, he would have snapped already and told him to just go fuck himself; but he loved Ivan too much for that. He rather swallowed his harsh and sarcastic answer and tried to focus on the passing lights.

 "It's not like some kind of an examination - " Ivan continued, rubbing his thigh comfortingly. "We'll have some drinks, some pizza, we'll play some FIFA - It's gonna be nice, really."

"Yeah."

The house Ivan lived in was very similar to the other buildings of the neighborhood - modern, clean, with sharp edges and minimalistic colors, and with a perfectly neat garden around. In the end, Luka was glad he'd decided to wear more formal clothes. Deep breath - _alright, alright_. He's got this. 

Ivan parked the car in the garage, next to another, similar one, and Luka had to laugh upon that sight. Why was he always putting himself in situations that were making him so uncomfortable? He should have said he can't come to this party. He should have told Ivan that he wants to spend the night with him only -

He got out of the car and walked with Ivan into the house, feeling a bit dizzy and definitely out of place.

"Come on, we'll put the bottles in the kitchen - " Ivan told him, gently guiding him through the hallway to the said room. There were already some bottles on the kitchen counter, also some hard liquors and open snack bags and two empty pizza boxes and it all seemed to Luka that this party must have been going on for at least two or three hours and it made his heart sink. Okay, so they've all been here for that time, drinking, eating, having a great time, and he's one come by now and everyone will look at him and it will be so ridiculous - 

He stopped by the fridge, finding out he could see his reflection in its shiny surface and started fixing his hair once again. He could hear some voices from the other room, and the louder they were, the more frantic his own movements became.

Ivan came to him from behind and pulled him into an embrace. "Come on, baby, you look great already. Let's go."

He led him to what appeared to be a living room - a room with a much higher ceiling than the other ones, but mostly with an incredible wall-mounted TV screen with a hi-fi-mountain underneath it, and with both appliances running. The music was way too loud and the TV volume was even louder, and the sound of some electro Spanish pop and sound effects from the latest FIFA game were mixed together in an annoyingly loud mess. The guys were seated in front of the TV, fully concentrated on their game, and in the corner of the room, three girls were sitting in three armchairs, looking almost identical, all in the same posture with wine glasses and mobile phones in their hands, chatting about something passionately.

"Hey, guys - so we're back - "

Ivan wrapped his hand around Luka's back, bringing him closer in a comforting gesture of affection.

 "And this is Luka - "

 The girls looked at him immediately, and Luka quickly looked away, feeling ashamed by even having his name mentioned.

"Hi," one of the girls said and he wanted to say "Hi" back but when he opened his mouth to speak, no sound came out and he just exhaled and had to look like some fucking fish caught on the land - 

"Hey, you're the guy from the pub!" one of the guys exclaimed way too happy as he looked up from the controller in his hands. "What the fuck?!"

 The other guys were much more interested in him all of sudden.

"What?"

"Yeah, that's him!"

"Fuck, Ivan, you really lower your standards all the time - "

"You date Madridistas now?"

"It's Luka - " Ivan repeated, smiling. "And that's Gigi, Bastian and David - and of course Gabriel and Nico - "

Luka watched all the five guys in confusion, trying to figure out whether Ivan was introducing them within some system or not.

"What the fuck, Ivan?" one of the guys said again, presumably giving up on his game. "Where'd you get him? In that pub?"

"And our lovely wives and girlfriends - though they're just girlfriends by now," Ivan continued, unbothered by the question. "Elena and Camilla and Talia - "

"Hey," the girl with the longest straight black hair Luka has ever seen said, getting up from her seat. "I'm Camilla."

"Hi," he said, shaking her hand in a way that seemed way too formal to him in such time and place. "Luka."

"Are you the Madridista from the pub?" one of the guys asked him, completely concerned.

"Yeah," Luka forced out a fake laugh, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

The guy turned back to Ivan, looking absolutely concerned. "You fucked him just like Barca fucked Real in the Clásico?"

 And Ivan just laughed it off.

 

 

They had some drinks and Luka felt too uncomfortable to even sit down, though Ivan and the others told him to do so.

"You can talk to the girls of course," one of the guys, who seemed to be named Sebastian, told him, and Luka has never felt so embarrassed and powerless at the same time. He quickly glanced over to Ivan, but he was too busy opening the seal of the wine bottle and talking to the other two guys. 

It was up to Luka to defend himself.

And Luka's best defense, by far, was silence. He accepted his fate, took his half-full glass and went over to sit with the girls who all appeared to by pretty excited by him. It made him more relaxed than the guys' constant repetition of the same questions - Is that the Madridista? Is that him? You fucking date those fucking cunts now? What the fuck Ivan?

Luka promised himself he wouldn't take those half-insults personally today but it proved to be way too hard for him. He couldn't just ignore them, no matter how childish and reckless they all were.

 The girls proved to be much more boring than he'd thought they would be - they welcomed him in their little group but they kept on talking about some other girls who apparently weren't invited to this small party and had some issues and troubles of their own; and Camilla, Tali, and Elena, as the girls were apparently called, weren't exactly forgiving; they just kept on talking shit about some other girls that Luka knew nothing about, and it grew cringy after a few minutes.

Ivan invited him to play FIFA with the guys.

He declined politely, not feeling confident enough to compete in this game with Ivan's friend who all seemed to be way too good in it.

He sure didn't want to embarrass himself. 

"Come on, you can play with us - " Ivan told him softly.

And Luka would love to play - he would love to sit next to Ivan and just play against him, laugh about his possible mistakes and wrong actions and take the piss out of him and drink more wine and have a slice of pizza - that all sounded wonderful. That was exactly what Ivan was inviting him to do. But there were the other guys, all these Bastians and Davids, and they were not making Luka feel comfortable at all.

 It wasn't in them. He was just being unreasonable.

They were nice. Yes, they made some stupid comments and remarks about him, about his looks, about his support for Real Madrid, but that was all just a friendly banter. They laughed, they offered him their drinks, they offered him the pizza they had ordered and paid for - 

He still felt awful. He didn't know the music they listened to. He couldn't play FIFA as well as they could. He wasn't used to these parties - no; this wasn't even a party, well, at least not the kind he was used to from his like two experiences with partying - 

He felt _lost_.

He couldn't sit and talk with the guys because he didn't want to embarrass himself in front of Ivan's friends.

He couldn't sit and talk with the girls because their problems of who might be dropping off the university and who is pregnant weren't exactly something that would bother him.

He had _even more_ drinks - ever since Ivan showed him where all the alcohol was stored, he started to go to the kitchen regularly just to refill his glass that always went empty way too fast, and soon, he didn't really feel embarrassed or anxious because of sitting with the girls and listening to them talk about someone whose name he couldn't even remember.

"Lukita, baby, you drink too fast - " Ivan told him when he finally - _finally!_ \- made some time to check him up. "I ordered three more pizzas - "

Hell, Luka couldn't even remember that. Yeah, maybe - _maybe_ \- if he squinted enough, he could remember the picture of Ivan with a phone in his hand, probably making an order.

"Are you okay?" he asked, touching Luka's face.

Luka felt way too numbed by the alcohol he'd drunk by now, that he just smiled and nodded. "Yeah - "

"They don't hate you, they're just assholes - "

Well - _if that wasn't the story of his life_.

"That's okay," he laughed, pulling away. "I'm used to it - "

"Come on, you need to play at least one game with us."

"No, no, not really. You play with them. I'm fine. Really. I love these girls - "

He made a gesture so grand he spilled some of his drink on the floor and he laughed at it way too hysterically.

"Really?" Ivan asked, concerned.

"Yeah!"

The girls realized and probably heard he was talking about them; and one of them - _Elena?_ Luka thought - said: "Yeah, he's great, such a great listener - "

 "Yeah!" Luka repeated, smiley and persuasive. "You go play your FIFA, I can't even play the game right - I'd rather watch - "

 "You can sit next to me - " Ivan said.

"No - no, you're the one playing with them - that's okay - "

In the end, he watched Ivan playing while standing behind the couch he and Sebastian were seated on. No matter how many times any of them has told him to just fucking sit down, he wouldn't oblige. He stayed on his feet, ready to go away and ready to go get his glass refilled. In all honestly, Ivan looked relaxed and comfortable playing the game; he laughed and seemed to be having a great time, and Luka felt jealous.

He knew it was all his fault.

He shouldn't be so _sensitive_.

 _So what?_   Ivan's friends made some stupid comments about him in the beginning, sure, but since then, they've been quite nice, and they tried to talk to him and cheer him up and include him in their group. It was his own stupidity that kept him out of their circle.

He was aware of that and yet, he still couldn't do anything about it.

When the order of three pizzas has finally arrived - after way too many drinks and way too much time wasted by listening to never-ending gossips about people to him unknown and watching the guys play FIFA endlessly - he said he would pick the order up and take the boxes to the kitchen - just to be alone for a while.

"I'll go with you," Ivan said immediately and was ready to give up his game and go with him, but he stopped him with a sharp "NO". 

"Okay, okay," Ivan said defensively, definitively surprised by his determination to go and collect the order. "I'll just give you the money - "

 "Are you okay?" Ivan asked him, obviously worried, as he gave him the money for the pizzas.

"Yeah!" he said quickly, trying not to look Ivan in his eyes. By now, he wasn't feeling uncomfortable. He felt completely numb and drunk - too apathetic and indifferent to anything that might happen, and he couldn't care less about whether Ivan would talk to him or not. In that momnet, he was practically determined to just stay here until midnight and then...disappear.

He's checked the time obsessively for at least ten times in the last hour. It was still too early to leave.

He went to collect the order of pizzas; he gave way too much of a tip and went back to the kitchen with the three boxes of pizza, feeling - at last - useful to the group of poeple in the other room. He found a knife and started to cut up the first pizza in slices, and maybe it was the inconceivable stress or drunkness he's been going through that made him cut his finger while cutting the crispy dough.

He bit his lower lip and went to quickly wash the blood away. Then, he rushed to the bathroom, praying to find some plasters in there - which he did, thankfully, and he used one of them to tape around his bleeding pointing finger.

When he brought the nicely cut pizza to the living room and put the box down on the coffee table, Ivan didn't notice his plaster.

It hurt him, more deeply than he would imagine.

 It's just a stupid plaster, his foggy mind told him - but it still mattered.

It was plaster on his finger, and Ivan should have seen it - _in his perfect dream world_. Because in his perfect dream world, Ivan would see it and ask him what has happened and kiss his injury better but in fact, he didn't even notice.

Luka still couldn't blame him though. He'd asked him at least five times if he's okay, and now, being reassured countless times, he has finally tried to enjoy some free and happy time. How could he blame Ivan for doing that?

"Hey, Madridista - " Sebastian called on him, and he - thought he surely didn't want to be called that - turned his head willingly. "What's your favorite World Cup song?"

" _Waka Waka_ ," he said quickly, not even thinking about the answer.

"Oh, wow," Bastian laughed, not looking away from the TV screen. "I get it, you're Ivan's Shakira now - "

"Shut up," Ivan told him, laughing.

"I'm sure you would make a great Piqué - " 

Ivan just playfully punched him in the ribs. And Luka couldn't be more desperate.

He knew it was wrong - being jealous and bitter and angry for something as stupid as this - yet he still felt it, all the bitter and bad emotions combined.

He got up and walked to the kitchen, sure that Ivan would notice and get up as well - but he didn't. 

Ivan didn't even notice him going away.

And it hurt most of it all.

 

 

He stayed in the kitchen for a good ten minutes, giving Ivan a chance to come to him.

He didn't.

He squeezed his eyes shut, took a bite of one of the slices of pizza, and poured himself another glass of rum and coca-cola.

Fuck this party. It wasn't really a party at all.

Just some random FIFA challenge combined with the _WAG_ s gossip session.

What was he doing in there anyway?

He checked the time again. 

_22:48._

Fuck this. He thought of Suba - _he was probably having a great time with Antonia and maybe some of their friends as well_ - 

He searched through his phone, still hoping Ivan would just enter the room and ask him what's wrong - _though he had asked him before_. 

_Suba, Suba - where was his number?_

He felt his fingers shaking and his vision was a bit too blurry for his likings as he searched through his contacts.

_Danijel Subašić._

Great.

 He felt as the worst guy in the world - he has agreed to come to a party just to sit around and bitterly watch all the other people there, without trying to actually approach them or get to know them - maybe if he had tried that - 

\- he wouldn't feel so fucking lonely right now.

Maybe he should have been more grateful and happy and curious.

Ivan was nowhere to be seen and it broke Luka's heart. He took a few shaky deep breaths as he walked out of the kitchen, using the large French window as his escape path. The garden was well-lit, well-kept and nice in all meanings. The swimming pool was empty, probably due to the winter. 

And it seemed so appealing to Luka.

He walked down the pool steps and sat down on the shiny blue bottom of the pool.

Finally some nice and calm place. All the sounds coming from inside the house sounded faraway and unreal. He was there, and his worried and stressed out mind as well, and he could lean back against the cold tiles of the swimming pool wall, and that was all that mattered to him.

He looked at his phone again.

_22:50._

Great.

Maybe it was the right time to wish Suba a happy new year.

Or maybe it was the high time to ask for help.


	22. Chapter 22

Suba didn't answer the phone the first time. 

Well - _of course_ , Luka thought. _Of course_ , he's not sitting around his house with the phone in his hand, waiting for him to call; he has better things to do now, at such a special night, with his girlfriend by his side.

Everyone seemed to have a better night than him, apparently.

He leaned back against the pool wall and closed his eyes. _Copa de la Vida_ was blasting from the house, and he could hear at least three drunken voices trying to sing along the Spanish words that became too unclear for Luka to understand, except for the " _la copa del amor_ " line. It sounded like some fucking Brazilian samba festival, and Luka laid his phone down to cover his eyes. If only anyone could see him, sitting at the bottom of the empty swimming pool, trying not to cry, with the house party going on above his head, with Ricky Martin's voice cutting through the night - 

Why was he like this? Why couldn't he just...be normal? Why couldn't he be inside with them, talk to them, have fun, dance and get to know them better? That's how people get new friends, right? Naturally, they have their own memories with Ivan, they're his friends, they have been probably for years. Was he jealous because of that? He couldn't figure out his feelings. It wasn't like Ivan was flirting with them or getting too close to them, no, it wasn't this kind of jealousy - it was the bitter type, the sting that Luka would sometimes feel while looking at all the oh-so-happy couples or groups of friends who seemed to be having their lives to the fullest without ever worrying or having a second thought about anything. It wasn't nice - he should be happy for them. He definitely should be happy that Ivan has great friends and that he's happy around them - but he wasn't and he couldn't control that.

 He tried to call Danijel for the second time but still had no luck reaching him.

Yeah, so Suba is having the night of his life as well. It's just him who's sitting here like a fucking loser.

When _Despacito_ started playing, he squeezed his eyes shut and brought his knees closer to his chest so he could lay his head there.

_Fuck this song, fuck this party, fuck this night._

He wasn't even holding back the tears anymore - what for? Ivan didn't care - Suba didn't care - nobody cared, everyone had their own exciting lives without him; he was always the fifth wheel, the disposable friend, the one who walks behind the group on a narrow path -

He sobbed, angrily running his fingers through his hair. He should have stayed home.

 His phone buzzed all of sudden, and he has never felt more shocked nor relieved in his whole life; he quickly grabbed it without really changing his position and brought it to his ear.

"Hello?"

" _Hi, Luka. What did you want? I saw you called twice - what's wrong_?"

 He wanted to laugh desperately but instead, he just made a choking sound with no meaning.

" _Luka_? _Are you listening to Despacito_?"

"They are - they are listening to Despacito."

" _What_?"

"I hate this place - I hate his friends - they're nice but - I want to burn it down."

" _Are you at that party? What's wrong_?"

 He sobbed again. "I should have stayed home - "

" _What happened_?" Suba's voice sounded very concerned by now, and Luka didn't even want to imagine how much he just must have ruined his night.

"I guess I'll just hitchhike some car on the street - "

" _What the fuck has happened_?"

He was full-on crying by now, trying to silence his sobs by rubbing his nose against his shoulder. "I can't stay here - "

" _What has happened? Luka - Luka, fucking talk to me_ \- "

 "I'm sorry - "

" _Has anyone hurt you? If anyone's hurt you I fucking swear to God_ \- "

"No - no, it's just me - "

" _Are you alright? Can you fucking tell me what has happened_?"

"I'm sorry I bother you so much - "

" _Stop this fucking bullshit, Luka, and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you_!"

 "I just need to talk to someone - "

" _Are you at that party_?"

"In the swimming pool."

" _Wh-What?! Are you drunk_?"

"A bit - "

" _You are drunk_!"

"I don't give a fuck!"

" _Calm down, Jesus, just calm down - Are you alone now? Why aren't you...at the party_? _Is anyone there with you_?"

"No. They're all having a great time - "

" _And where are you_?"

"At that fucking party - "

" _Why are you alone? Isn't Ivan there with you_?"

"He's with his friends."

" _And where are you_?"

"I wanna go home - "

" _Luka, where are you_?"

"In the garden - in the swimming pool - it's empty - "

" _Why? What has he done to you_?"

"Nothing!" Luka cried, feeling at loss for words. Why was it so hard for Danijel to understand nobody has hurt him and he was still feeling like utter shit?

 " _Luka, you need to fucking calm down - take deep breaths and calm down_."

"I'm gonna go home - "

" _How? Are you gonna walk there? How far is that_?"

"I don't know - "

" _You won't go anywhere - Luka - Luka! - Listen to me -_ " Danijel's voice was bordering on frenzied as he screamed those words. " _You won't go anywhere - I won't let you walk home - people are drunk tonight - drunk driving - I won't let you go_ \- "

Luka sobbed, knowing he has probably just destroyed Suba's New Year's Eve by reminding him of Hrvoje - because the other driver, involved in that car accident back then, was drunk as a skunk back then, well - 

"I'm sorry," he mumbled.

" _No, no, Luka, I want you to stay where you are, at least until you're fucking reasonable again. Okay? Take deep breaths. In and out. Alright_?"

He didn't answer; he couldn't.

 He was so messed up - _this all_ was messed up.

" _I don't want you to end this before you're alright. Okay_?"

 "I just needed to hear some voice - "

" _I'm here, Luka, I'm not going anywhere - Just talk to me -_ "

 "What the fuck do you want me to talk about? I'm sitting at the bottom of the empty pool, fucking angry about everything - "

 _"You sound really drunk now -_ "

"I don't give a fuck!"

" _Are you crying_?"

"I'm fucking not!" Luka cried as he wiped the tears furiously off his face.

" _Why isn't that fucking Barça guy with you if he's so great_?"

"I didn't tell him anything."

" _So you're just rolling at the bottom of his swimming pool and waiting for him to notice you're not inside with him and his friends_?"

"Pretty much?"

" _Jesus Christ, Luka, who taught you your social skills_?"

"I'm so tired - "

 " _I want you to calm down, go inside and tell him that you're not feeling well or whatever - You can't sit outside the whole night_."

"This is so embarrassing - "

" _And sitting in the empty swimming pool at a party isn't_?"

All of sudden, Luka could hear the clear calling of his name - _Luka? Lukita!_ \- somewhere from the garden. "Shit, I gotta go - I'll call you later - "

" _What's happening - Luka? Luka!_ "

"Happy new year - "

He quickly hung up, putting the phone down, and swallowed hard. 

It was Ivan's voice, coming from up above. So he has finally decided to go look for him - 

"Luka?"

 Luka didn't even move. 

 "Baby - what are you doing here?"

 _Hell._ He's been discovered.

 

 

Ivan quickly ran down the pool steps, and Luka closed his eyes, tilting his head back in disappointment and gesture of giving up.

"Why are you here?"

Ivan's walk was a bit - unsure - well, probably the same way Luka's voice was.

"Lukita - "

 Luka swallowed the tears that were coming up in his eyes. 

"What's wrong? I was worried - why aren't you inside?"

He came close and sat down next to him, all concerned and worried and cautious - 

"I'm sorry," Luka mumbled, trying to look away.

"What's wrong, baby?"

"I hate it - being the one on display - "

"Baby - "

"Yeah, but it's like that!"

"I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable - "

"I'm so sorry, Ivan - I can't do this. I just hate that - when they are all staring at me - waiting for me to say something - "

"You don't need to say anything - Luka, come on - I just wanted to introduce you to my friends - "

"I know- I know! But I - I'm not good in this - "

 "Lukita," Ivan breathed out, wrapping his hand around Luka's waist. "You're shaking - "

"I wanna go home."

"Why?"

"I don't like this - at all - I'm sorry, it's not your fault - "

"What are you talking about?"

"I know you're trying - but I just can't stand this - "

"Why?"

Luka sighed. "I don't want to be here - "

Ivan's expression was genuinely breaking his heart. "Have they - have they said anything bad to you?" he asked.

"No - no, they've been quite nice - except for the few little teasing mistakes but - I can understand that - "

"Then what's wrong?"

 "I don't know - and I'm so sorry - "

"Lukita, baby - " Ivan pulled him closer into a much more passionate and hot embrace, holding him close in his arms protectively. "What's wrong?" he mumbled in Luka's ear.

"I'm fine - 

"Lukita," Ivan repeated a stubborn way. "You're not happy here."

"I'm jealous, okay?"

"Why? I haven't flirted with anyone - I haven't done anything bad -  "

"No, I know - "

"Then why is that, baby?"

"I just - " He felt like the worst person in the worlds - because he was sure he had no right to be jealous, fuck, Ivan was being so nice to him - "I'm jealous of your friends, okay? Because they seem to know you so well and they have so many great memories and you're so close and it's just - it hurts somehow - "

"You're so...." Ivan just looked at him for a few seconds, probably trying to figure out which adjective would work the best for him now. "...broken."

Luka turned his head, confused.

"Who hurt you, baby?" Ivan asked, rubbing Luka's waist and hip.

"Nobody - I'm fine  - in this - "

"Luka," Ivan said, and his voice was so weak and filled with pain it actually hurt Luka's ears. "I'll try to make you feel better, okay?"

"Yeah," he mumbled, not even thinking about it.

 "I want you to feel better, baby - please. Just try to not focus on the past. Can you just stay still and hold my hand? Would that be okay?"

"Yeah, sure - "

"Great."

Ivan put his phone down, clicking on the screen before letting go of the screen as he grabbed Luka's hand. 

"I want you to feel good. I just want you to feel good in here - "

Luka nodded sheepishly.

It was actually _Hala Madrid Y Nada Más_ that started playing from Ivan's phone.

And it was both hilarious and ridiculous at that moment that Luka could do nothing else than laugh helplessly. 

 

 _Ya salen las estrellas_  
_Mi viejo Chamartín_  
_De lejos y de cerca_  
_Nos traes hasta aquí_

 

Luka bit his lower lip.

 "How is that, baby?" Ivan asked, concerned. Luka shook his head, unable to even speak by now. Fuck, why was Ivan so nice to him? He was acting like a complete idiot - and Ivan was there, sitting by his side, holding his hand softly, whispering comforting words - 

The Real Madrid anthem continued, and actually, as much as Luka didn't expect this to work, he could feel much more lighthearted by now.

 "Hala Madrid?" Ivan asked, whispering the words in his low tone, squeezing Luka's hand in his own. "More like _Hvala Madrid_ - _Hvala for having you."_


	23. Chapter 23

Ivan held him in his arms, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly throughout the song, and Luka's breathing got back to normal, as well as his voice; the panicked intonation has disappeared from it and there were no more tears rising in his eyes.

 "Feeling better?" he asked, kissing his cheek. 

"I'm glad you're here with me," Luka mumbled. The night didn't seem as terrible now, with Ivan by his side. 

Ivan giggled. "I'm glad you came here in the first place, though it made it feel like shit. I - I don't know what to say." He tried to entangle his fingers with Luka, only to notice the plaster on his finger. "What's that?"

"Oh, just a plaster - " Luka yanked his hand away, out of Ivan's caring touch.

"You didn't have it when we arrived."

"I cut my finger in the kitchen. It's nothing, really - "

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't mean to bother you - "

"Lukita - " Ivan's voice was even more broken and filled with sadness than before as if Luka not mentioning the barely noticeable cut was the worst thing of them all.

"It's nothing, just a small cut - "

"Why don't you ever say anything?"

Luka sighed, giving up and letting Ivan inspect the plastered finger. "It's really nothing, Ivan, don't be ridiculous - "

Ivan brought the finger to his lips and placed a small tender kiss right on the plaster. "So stubborn," he mumbled and gave it a second kiss. Then, all of sudden, he grew serious and looked up, straight in Luka's eyes. His pupils were dilated, maybe from the alcohol, maybe from the closeness. "Luka, you can't do this to me. You need to tell me when something's not right, okay?"

Luka watched his face cautiously, noticing exactly how bright his eyes were and how his chest was rising and falling with every breath. He was so beautiful Luka's heart sank a little - he shouldn't have doubted him for a second. 

 "I hope you'll stay here with me tonight," Ivan said quietly.

 He smiled, nodding. "Of course."

"We don't have to go anywhere - to watch the firework. I'll let them go - " He nodded up towards the house where some generic pop music was playing. " - and we can stay here."

"Yes." It sounded maybe  _too_  relieved. "Yes, I'd like  _that_  very much."

 

 

They stayed outside for a few more minutes until all Luka's tears went dry and he felt confident enough to go back inside the house.

"I'm sorry I'm ruining your night with your friends," he said repeatedly at least three times, and each time, Ivan just smiled and squeezed his hand reassuringly.

"I want to be with you now."

 "It's not like I hate them - "

" - but you do," Ivan finished. "No, Luka, it's okay. Maybe next time - I don't know. I guess you don't have to be friends with them."

Luka smiled sadly, wanting to thank him for understanding, but at that moment, their small private moment was interrupted by Talia coming to the kitchen.

"Oh, sorry - " she said, practically turning on her heel as she saw them in a loving embrace.

"No, that's okay - " Luka quickly said, stepping away. "Do you - umh - do you want something to drink?" he asked when he saw her glass was empty.

 She looked at him with a weird face. "No." It sounded almost like a question or a surprised and annoyed harsh word, expressing her disgust over him asking her about something like that. She quickly turned to Ivan. "How much did you have? I thought you'd drive your own car - but - "

"No - no," he said, confused at first. "I'll let Basti drive - actually, I'm not going. We'll stay here - " He took Luka around his shoulders.

She watched him for a few awkward seconds before she exclaimed "Oh - yes! - of course - "

Ivan smiled. "Alright."

 "So - " She still looked a bit unsure. "Should we go now?"

"Well - if you want to?"

She looked at them both with an understanding smile and nodded. "Yeah, I guess we'll go."

 "Thanks."

"You two...," she started and then stopped, and Luka had to look down from feeling so embarrassed again. "Have a good time I guess."

Ivan let go of Luka's shoulders to hug her. "Thank you."

Luka was practically counting seconds in the next few minutes that saw all of Ivan's friends leaving the living room with more or less drunken expressions and annoyingly loud voices.

"Ivan! What the fuck are you doing? Are you not going with us?"

"No - no, we're staying here. Happy new year."

"You should have brought Raquel - she at least - " he was stuttering. "She at least had this - " He gestured in front of his chest. " _Great attitude_."

"Shut up."

"Oh come on! Don't be such a drama queen."

Ivan playfully hit him, but his smile seemed forced at that moment. "So," he said quickly, trying to change the subject of the conversation. "Who's the least drunk of you all?"

It was something Luka has noticed before - Ivan seemed so much mature than all of the other guys combined. It was one of the things he had actually remembered from their first meeting - and from the first clash with his friends. Ivan had some strange charisma about him that he seemed to be respected and listened to. Luka could only wonder if that was this way because of his personality or charm; or if that was the result of his obviously lavish lifestyle - and willingness to lend his car to one of his stupid pals.

"Are you really not going?"

"No," Ivan shook his head with a smile. "We'll stay here."

"' _kay_  then. Happy honeymoon with this guy." Bastian tried to pat Luka's shoulder in a way that Luka immediately called aggressively-friendly in his head. "What's your name again?"

Luka took a deep breath to answer but Ivan was faster. "You're definitely not driving."

"Huh? Come on, you said you'd let me - "

"Cam only had a glass of wine, and ladies go first."

"This one should drive then - " Luka gasped as Sebastian took a grasp of his hair, though he felt more embarrassed than scared at that moment when he could tell everyone was staring at them. It didn't last even a second - Luka hardly even moved.

Ivan pushed his friend away, and his eyes could kill. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Sorry, sorry - " Seb raised his hands in an overly apologetic gesture. "Just a bit of fun, you know?"

"He's drunk - " someone said, and Luka had to admit he liked the protectiveness Ivan showed - and the way he immediately pulled him closer, as if to make sure nobody even gets to touch him ever again.

"No, he's just a fucking wanker - "

"Everybody just fucking calm down, okay?" Ivan's voice was sharp as a knife, and all the mumbling and talking stopped even before he'd finished the sentence. Though he sounded very annoyed and angry at that moment; his eyes softened up in a second. "Drive safely. And happy new year - " He stepped closer to one of the girls - God, how could Luka forget her name again? - and hugged her, giving her a small kiss on the cheek - and then, pressing his car keys in her hand. "Look after this idiot," he mumbled, obviously referring to Sebastian who was barely even standing straight. 

"Of course."

"I'll come for the car tomorrow. Happy new year," he repeated, coming to the other girl.

Luka stood aside, looking at the ground, scratching the skin with his fidgety fingers. Though he by no means intended to be disrespectful, his only though for the moment was _Get the hell away already_. This leave-taking has been going on forever.

"Happy year of the World Cup!" someone reminded, cheerful and loud. 

"Yeah!" Ivan laughed, giving a hug to the last of the three girls, who didn't seem to be impressed by the words at all.

 "Hey! Luka," Bastian started again, looking very focused on his words, and somehow magically remembering Luka's name. "Do you - do you also play football in Croatia?"'

Luka smirked, deciding to swallow his national pride and ignore the insult. "Yeah. Yeah, we are pretty good at it."

"Bah - we'll see at the World Cup!"


	24. Chapter 24

The trembling in Luka's body was different now, as he was left with Ivan only; it was actually more like cold shivers running back and forth his limbs and into his fingertips, making him feel cold while still knowing that his face must be flushed from the excessive blushing and previous crying.

 _Oh God, Ivan_....

Ivan was so beautiful tonight. His eyes were extraordinarily shiny tonight, sparkling with a bit of drunkness and a bit of - something peculiar - something that grew stronger the longer he's been with him.

"Well, Luka - " He wrapped his hands around Luka's tiny body, pulling him in a tight hug. " _It's you_!" he exclaimed theatrically, and it took Luka a while to realize he's probably quoting some text. " _Night is falling and no one is around. Let's sit. Please speak, and I will listen_."

"What?" Luka asked, confused but still amused by Ivan's invested voice.

"You don't know _Cyrano de Bergerac_?" Ivan laughed, making him turn around to face him. "That's basic education, Luka. Just - basic - education - " he said slowly, separating every word with a pause in which he placed his both hands around Luka's neck and pulled him closer. "And what about," he whispered, and his breath brushed against Luka's lips that were so willingly parted by now, " another classic?"

Luka was barely breathing by now, and his legs felt like giving up anytime soon - it was only Ivan's hands and his face so close that somehow kept him conscious.

" _O, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do_ \- " Ivan's hand ran through Luka's hair, taking a hold of a fistful of his locks, and Luka smiled. " _They pray, grant thou, lest faith turn to despair_."

Luka's smile widened because at that very moment,  _he remembered_. " _Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake_."

Ivan looked proud; proud of himself, proud of Luka, proud of the moment he's created. " _Then move not, while my prayer's effect I take_."

 There was something magical in the kiss, like no kiss Luka has received before. The moment, the night, the last day of the year, Ivan's words and his soft eyes, his voice in which there was no sign of drunkness anymore, it all felt intoxicating around him, more intoxicating than all the alcohol he'd drunk.

He couldn't get enough of Ivan's lips and even as he eventually ran out of breath, he just couldn't let go, he couldn't stop, he didn't want to make it stop - 

It was Ivan in the end who pulled away and Luka just desperately wheezed, trying to catch his breath again, just if he's been underwater and now finally got to inhale some fresh air.

"God - " he moaned involuntarily, with his eyes closed, trying to focus solely on the breathing for now because his head almost hurt from the lack of air and he felt weak.

"It's getting cold," Ivan said, and his voice was so close it sent shivers Luka's spin. "Wanna go inside?"

"What about the fireworks?"

"It's still about fifteen or twenty minutes until midnight - "

"I don't wanna go anywhere." He wrapped his hands around Ivan's waist, snuggling closer to him as if to get warmer on his chest. "Ever again."

"I'm so glad we didn't go with them - Imagine sitting in a car by now - "

"I'm glad you decided to stay here with me."

"I would never leave you in a situation like this."

"Thank you."

"Come inside then - "

"You really remember Shakespeare?"

"Well, just this part - "

"I somehow remembered it as well - but it's been so long since I read it - "

"But you still remembered - And you were perfect in that role."

 "I only said like five words."

"You said them wonderfully."

He laughed, letting Ivan lead him inside the house again. There were half-empty glasses and plates with some tapas and pizza slices everywhere around the living room.

"We should probably clean that up - "

"No - no, Luka," Ivan said, pushing him towards the couch. "You sit down, please. You're my guest tonight. I'll take care of this." He grabbed the nearest plate with a perfectly fine slice of some cheese pizza. "Aren't you hungry?"

He took a deep breath to politely decline any offered food but at that moment, he realized he might actually be hungry. Now, it didn't really seem as embarrassing nor awkward to ask for food, since he was left with Ivan alone. 

"I'd take that - " he said and reached for the slice of pizza but Ivan quickly moved his hand back. 

"You want it?" he asked, taking the pizza slice off the white plate.

"Yeah - "

"Open your mouth then."

Just now Luka realized how _wrong_ it sounded altogether. It almost looked like Ivan was giving him back all the teasing with the food from days earlier, and Luka blushed, remembering _where exactly_ his teasing led then.

He sure wouldn't mind repeating that.

Or going further.

Anywhere, really.

As long as it was Ivan.

"Take a bite."

"You don't have to feed me - "

"I'm just repaying you the favor from Saturday."

"Maybe I should repay you as well then?"

It sounded so natural and smooth it surprised him. Ivan opened his mouth to say something but had to swallow hard first.

"Luka - " he mumbled warningly, with a strange desire burning in his eyes. " _You don't have to_."

"I told you the same about the feeding."

"But I was just joking - "

"I am not."

Ivan was left speechless for a few seconds, and he seemed indecisive about what to say.

"Don't say it twice," he started in a dry voice, bringing the slice of pizza closer to Luka's lips. "Because I might listen."

He didn't move on though; he actually left Luka sitting on the couch with the pizza and went to collect the empty bottles and glasses from all the furniture in the room, bringing it all with him to the kitchen, leaving Luka alone with the running TV where a programme where scenes with people celebrating the new year in different cities were shown.

 Ivan came back after a few minutes, with a towel in his hands. "You know what's better than these programmes on the TV? Practically anything. I'll play some music."

"Alright," Luka shrugged, giving him the emptied plate with an apologetic smile. "I could also clean it myself, you know - "

"No way! You're my guest now and I'll make you relax and enjoy every second of it. What time is it exactly now?"

Luka checked his phone. Oh. Six missed calls from Suba. How come he didn't hear them? Did he turn off the volume and - forget?

"Eight minutes till midnight."

"Great. I'll wash this up and we can go out. We should see the fireworks from the city and also, usually, you can also see the ones from the other side - "

"Yeah - I'll just make a quick call, okay? My roommate - he called me - and I guess I should apologize."

"Yeah, sure. Just make it real quick please."

"Alright."

Ivan disappeared in the kitchen again and Luka pressed the "Call back" option.

 _He was really being a terrible friend tonight_ , he thought. Spoiling the fun at the party in Barcelona, ruining Suba's good time in Croatia - 

" _Luka?!"_ A half-relieved and half-desperate cry was to be heard from Danijel.

"Hey, yeah, it's me. I'm really sorry for the call earlier - It's all okay now."

" _You fucking almost killed me - Can't you pick up your goddamn phone at least_?"

"I'm so sorry, I was with Ivan. I'm with him now and everything is okay. I'm really sorry to bother you so much tonight - "

" _I'm just glad you're okay. I almost called my friends in Barcelona to go and - fucking find you somewhere. Don't do anything stupid anymore, please. At least not now_. _Keep it for the next year. The year after the next year, maybe. Or for never, actually._ "

"Promised. I'm really sorry for everything tonight - "

 _"That's okay. Just take care. Or at least be with someone who would do that for you_."

"Thank you. Happy new year."

" _Happy new year, Luka_."

 "Finished?" Ivan asked, coming back to the living room, this time without the towel, only with the smile playing on his lips. 

God, his lips - Luka could hardly fight the urge to throw himself all over Ivan and kiss him again; because his lips were life-giving, blessing and heavenly, _holy_ , while still close and tender and - so inviting - 

He swallowed hard, looking away in embarrassment. 

Ivan took the remote control in his hand. "I hope you don't mind me turning this off - ?"

"No, not at all."

"Good."

Ivan went to the side table where his phone, connected to the TV was, and started setting things up for his "midnight surprise" as he joked about it; but Luka got way too lost in his own inner world at that moment.

Starting a new year with Ivan Rakitić? That seemed rather symbolic. And very important. How could he be so perfect? How did he deserve him? He was still expecting some kind of a prank revelation from Ivan's side, yet it hasn't come yet - maybe this all wasn't just a joke after all? Could that be even true? In his case? Isn't he the worst and most miserable fool there has ever been? He's been so lucky lately. It surely must end anytime soon, right? Such unusually long period of happiness seemed unreal to him.

 "It's time, baby," Ivan's voice brought him back in the real world. "Three minutes till midnight."

"Oh God," Luka whined, and it made Ivan stop doing whatever he was still doing with that phone in his hands.

"What's the matter?"

"Nothing. Nothing, really. It's just so weird, you know - I've always been spending the New Year's Eve with my family or with people I've known almost my entire life..."

"But now you're with me," Ivan said, looking in his eyes.

"Now I'm with you," Luka nodded almost shyly.

 "Let's go out then, babe. I know what music to play for us. Trust me."

Luka did.

He didn't recognize the first few chords that were to be heard as they walked out. Ivan made sure the TV was turned on with the volume as high as possible so it could be heard even outside - Luka felt like he should probably know this song but it still didn't seem familiar to him, even as Ivan took him around his shoulders, showing him where the usual New Year's firework took place - but then - 

"It's Freddie Mercury!" Luka gasped, unable to hide his enthusiasm. It wasn't like he was the biggest fan of Freddie; he just felt happy to recognize the music and the voice. 

"It's _Barcelona_ ," Ivan said, rubbing his shoulders comfortingly. "I think it's perfect for tonight. Just wait for the actual midnight - it should all work perfectly."

He gave his shoulder a reassuring squeeze and grabbed his phone, searching for the timer. "It's about one and a half minute by now - "

It was actually 1:27. And counting.

And the music was playing on and Luka felt as confused as never before. He _knew_ this song, he was sure he's heard it before somewhere, he just couldn't remember where.

The climax of the song came at the same moment as the first fireworks appeared in the sky - _so this was what Ivan was setting up as he connected his phone to the TV_? Luka thought - and it was the very first time Luka actually tried to listen to the words.

 

_Barcelona - it was the first time that we met._

_Barcelona - how could I forget?_

 

 How could he, yes, how could he actually forget the first moments with Ivan?

 

_The moment that you stepped into the room you took my breath away_

 

Ivan, who was hugging him from behind with his chin rested on Luka's shoulder, was humming along with the song, and his breath tickled on Luka's cheek and neck and he had to giggle because the words of the song sounded symbolic.

"Really?" he asked as Ivan half-whispered and half-sang the line.

"Really," Ivan confirmed, kissing him in the mess that was his hair. "I noticed you immediately. Do you know what I thought in the first moment? _Who's this guy, why is he alone in here_? I mean, who the hell goes to watch football match alone?"

"And then?" Luka giggled, curious. Though Ivan was saying the most basic things that were in no way affected by his personal feelings, he took it all as a compliment and felt flattered. In all honesty, he didn't notice Ivan in the midst of Barça fans before he got beaten by his stupid friends in front of the bar.

"And then - I thought - _Why the hell is he still here? What does he want? His team lost, he should be gone by now_ \- "

"And I wasn't."

"And you weren't. There was something stubborn and hard-headed about that, you know? Something proud. You wouldn't go away, even if you were the last Madridista in the pub, and that was - impressive."

"I never want to be the kind of fan who leaves when his team starts losing."

"Your team had already lost by then," Ivan laughed. "But you were still there - the only guy in white in the whole room - How could I not see you?"

The colorful fireworks were dancing across the sky over the city, over their heads, and Luka could hardly hear them over the powerful voices of the Barcelona song.

It matched together perfectly.

"You were afraid of me at first, am I right?" Ivan asked, kissing him gently on the neck.

"I didn't trust you."

"And now? Are you still afraid?" He made Luka turn around again while still leaving his hands on his shoulders. "Do you trust me?"

He gazed in Ivan's eyes, trying to find the right words to even form his thoughts in a sentence. " _I am_ afraid. I'm afraid of your perfection - "

Ivan's lip corners slightly curled up. 

" - but I trust you now."

 "Good. That's good." He pressed Luka closer to his chest and kissed him on top of his head again before taking him tenderly under his chin and making him look up again as he fixed his eyes on his lips - 

He moved quickly, afraid of the spell of this moment running out, and he pressed his lips on Luka's harshly, not giving him a chance to breathe in properly, and forced him to open his lips more, engaging his teeth and tongue in it, and the song was slowly reaching its end; the fireworks now sounded very distant as the sky turned green and blue and red again. The hungry kiss continued as Ivan entangled his fingers in Luka's hair and then, slowly, his right hand slid down his spine, warm, strong and firm, making Luka feel fully in his power now, and it didn't stop at his lower back but continued down on his butt which he squeezed possessively, and Luka moaned into the kiss, pressing his body closer to Ivan's.

"Luka," Ivan choked out, breathless, breaking the kiss. "I want you so much - "

 The desperate need was soaking through his voice, sending shivers through Luka's body; he's never heard Ivan's voice so hoarse and dry and he was amazed by the fact that he could be the one who caused it. Ivan's eyes, normally so tender and loving, now appeared to be vulnerable and fragile in his flushed face. Luka was sure he could break him completely just by saying the one word - _No_ - 

"Yes," he mumbled, feeling a great weight fall off his shoulders. "Yes - _yes_ , I want you too - "

He couldn't tell the difference between his and Ivan's heartbeats as they were aligned, chest to chest, in a tight embrace. Ivan exhaled with relief, covering Luka's cheek and the corner of his lips with a few small pecks. 

"You have no idea what you do to me - Luka - When I came home from your place, you know, the day before yesterday, I couldn't stop thinking about you - "

He took over Luka's lips again, kissing him hard as if this was the way of showing him how deeply he'd thought about him that day - 

"I tried to remember your touches - " he continued, panting, after he broke the kiss. "I tried to imagine it's you - again - but it just wasn't as good - "

"Come on," Luka mumbled, feeling intoxicated by everything that was going on now. "I don't wanna change my mind - "

"Luka - " Ivan smiled into the next kiss, trying to free himself off Luka's grip. " _Luka_. Slow down." His voice got more urgent when Luka ignored his words and clumsily started fighting with his belt. "Stop - _stop_ , Luka."

It felt so strange to Luka, being told to ' _slow down_ ' or ' _stop_ ' by Ivan, of all people, and in a situation like this; he wouldn't really expect that and he looked at him with a clear surprise in his eyes.

"We'll go back inside, yeah? And I want you to go take a nice long shower - you know where the bathroom is, right? Give me a few minutes. I'll bring you a bathrobe."

Luka felt confused, and not drunk in the slightest anymore. So at first, Ivan makes out with him, touches him, makes him all turned on and ready and then - sends him to take a shower? A cold shower might be good - his skin was so heated up and he knew he was painfully hard by now.

"I want you to take your time, Lukita."

"I've been taking my time for years - " Luka whined.

Ivan smiled, a glimpse of his vulnerability was showing again. He tucked some of Luka's blonde hair behind his ear. "I'll make it worth the wait, I promise."


	25. Chapter 25

 The cold shower felt actually very nice against his skin that was so heated and sensitive by now, though it proved to be so hard to ignore his erection any longer, naked, standing in the shower. Why was Ivan like this, why couldn't he just - _fuck him right there in the garden_? At that moment, with Ivan's hands and lips all over himself, he was so ready and willing to do whatever Ivan would ask him to. Now - not so much anymore. The more time alone he had, the less intoxicated by Ivan's presence he was and the more anxious thoughts have crept in his mind.

He felt fully sober now and kind of regretted it. 

But then again, as he stepped out of the shower and saw the white bathrobe that Ivan had promised him hanging on one of the hooks on the wall, he remembered his words, his voice and the promise of making this whole, painful waiting _worth it_. 

He returned back to the living room, feeling a bit weak at his knees. _Is this it? Is this the moment_?

Ivan was waiting for him in the room that looked much better now; he's probably been cleaning the whole time Luka was taking the shower, and there were only two champagne glasses now on the coffee table and Ivan sitting in an armchair opening the champagne bottle.

"You look great in that bathrobe," he said as soon as he spotted Luka standing in the doorway. "White really suits you."

"Thank you."

He came closer, with eyes fixed on Ivan's nifty fingers fighting with the bottle seal.

"I realized we didn't even have a midnight toast - "

Luka stopped behind the armchair and leaned on it, crossing his arms on the top of its back and then leaned forward to kiss the top of Ivan's head.

Ivan laughed softly, not stopping his work on the cork.

He opened the champagne carefully, not with a bang, and poured the bubbly in the glasses. "Well now," he said, getting up from the armchair and taking both glasses off the table. "It's time to right the wrongs." He handed one of the champagne glasses to Luka. "You want me to play some music again?"

"You're trying to get me tonight with that music, right?"

"I love music. It can set the right mood - that I can't - "

"You sure can - "

Ivan laughed, coming back to what seemed to be his favorite side table tonight, with his phone lying on top of it, choosing the 'right song' for the 'right mood'. Luka was expecting a lot of things, certainly not Elvis.

"You really have a taste," he said as Ivan turned to him, raising his glass in an invitation for him to come closer.

"I'm glad you appreciate that."

He clinked his glass against Luka's one. "Happy new year, Luka. I know I've said it like three times already tonight - but I can never wish you well enough."

"Happy new year."

They both took a sip, and the quiet moment was interrupted just by The King's mellow voice, singing the first words. _Wise men say only fools rush in..._

 Ivan blinked fast and Luka noticed a few teardrops in his lower eyelashes and on the water line. "Are you crying?"

Ivan shook his head, biting his lips. "I just thought of all the things that had to happen so we could meet. I mean - if you didn't come to study here - or if you came to that pub with your friend and not alone - or if we went to another bar - or the toilet attendant didn't have a pen or I didn't give you the number or you just threw the shirt away without looking - "

"I know."

 "We wouldn't be here together now."

"I know. I think about this every day."

"Really?"

"Really."

"Come here." Ivan wrapped his hand with the glass around Luka's shoulder and with the other, he took Luka around his wrist gently. "Dance with me for a bit?"

"I can't dance - "

"Come on." Ivan started moving to the slow melody of the song, just slightly, in a very smooth and tender manner, making small steps, leading Luka to do the same in a lazy half-embrace.

The floor felt a bit cold against Luka's bare feet while in contrast, the fluffy material of the bathrobe made his whole body feel completely warm and relaxed, especially when Ivan also pressed closer to share some of his body heat.

"Ivan?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you love me?"

Ivan pulled back a little and with a little smile, he tucked some loose hair behind his ear. "What do you think, baby?"

Elvis' golden voice was just singing the refrain which made Luka's poor, overwhelmed heart shudder.

 

_Take my hand - take my whole life too_

 

"You never said that to me."

"Oh, didn't I? I thought it was obvious. And I thought I don't have to state the obvious."

 

_For I can't help falling in love with you_

 

"So?"

"I love you. I love you _IloveyouIloveyouIlove_ \- "

 His chant was cut off by Luka's lips, closing the gap between their faces, greedily taking his breath away and tasting the champagne off them.

 "I love you too," he moaned into the kiss. Ivan smirked, biting his lower lip gently.

"You're so needy now - "

"I really want you, Ivan."

"Yeah," Ivan breathed out, drawing his swollen lips closer to Luka's ear. " _I can feel that_."

"God," Luka moaned as he felt Ivan raising his leg, letting his knee follow the path covered in the white bathrobe, from his own knee up to his thigh and then, in his crotch. " _Oh God_ \- "

Ivan swiftly maneuvered their entangled bodies towards the near cabinet while finishing his champagne in one long, thirsty sip; Luka mirrored his action, knowing there will be no time for this in the next few hours, and they both laid the emptied glasses down without ever breaking their tight, passionate embrace.

"The bedroom's upstairs - "

"Yeah, let's go - "

"You're so bossy when you're horny - "

"I can't wait any longer."

 "I know, babe. I know."

The whole way to the bedroom seemed neverending to Luka, who could only stay focused on the extensive kisses and touches of Ivan's hands - all Luka could remember from the way to the bedroom was that it was upstairs, that they actually went up the stairs, taking one step and one kiss in a steady rhythm, and then, suddenly, they were in a hall and Ivan pushed him in the first door they saw - 

"You want me to play some music?” Ivan asked in between their shared kisses.

Luka watched him, confused.

“What?”

“Some music…I don’t know – something soft, relaxing – For a better atmosphere.“

“Er – no – I don’t know – “

 _Ivan and his fucking music tonight_.

He was in a state of complete confusion – he could never imagine he would be talking to someone _like this_ , in a situation _like this_ , and that the first question Ivan would ask him in the bedroom would be about music.

He didn’t know _why_ but he imagined his first time would be the passionate _we-just-came-home-and-can’t-control-ourselves_ kind of sex, he must have seen that in too many movies, how the two lovers just arrived home, started in the lift already, and then barely closed the door and got undressed immediately just to have the hottest, most passionate and ecstatic sex without any words, just with mutual understanding combined with heavy panting and moaning. Yet here he was, almost sober, standing in the door of Ivan’s bedroom awkwardly, with Ivan asking him if he wants to listen to some music while doing it.

He felt embarrassed now. And afraid. Actually, terrified. He felt like maybe he’s avoided _this_ for some reason, maybe he just wasn’t comfortable with all this. It was different now than downstairs in the living room.

“I’ll play something, go sit on the bed,” Ivan said.

This is _so awkward_ , Luka’s consciousness screamed. Awkward, awkward, _AWKWARD_ , well, with him, it will never be _not awkward_. He came to the bed and sat down as Ivan told him to do but then he went on and lied down on his side and closed his eyes. He needs to calm down, he can’t ruin this. He can’t ruin this – Ivan wants to make this night so special and he’s just so fucking frightened of everything, even though he really wants it; why is he like this, why –

Some music started to play, soft and silent, unobtrusive, and Luka heard the slow footsteps coming closer. He opened his eyes and saw Ivan squatting next to the bed.

“Baby,” he whispered, running his hand through Luka’s hair. “What are you doing?”

Luka shook his head. _It’s not worth mentioning_.

“Come on,” Ivan said softly, with his thumb rubbing Luka’s cheek. “I’ll join you, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“Luka, I really want you to know that you can trust me tonight – You can trust me any time, but tonight more than ever. If you don’t like something, just say it. Okay?”

He got into the bed from the opposite side and cuddled close to Luka, wrapping his arms around the smaller guy’s body. “Okay?” he asked again, kissing Luka behind his left ear.

“Lukita?”

Luka rolled onto his back, and Ivan’s right hand got trapped undeneath him, which he didn’t mind at all. He didn’t say a word but his silent, pleading gaze was enough for Ivan to understand.

“Luka, there’s no need to be afraid.”

“Can you turn off the lights?”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to see me,” he mumbled almost incoherently, looking away.

“No, no, baby, I want to see you. I want to see all of you, Luka, please – it’s not that much to ask of you – “

“I don’t really – like the idea – I just – hate my body and – “

Ivan freed his hand from under Luka’s shoulders. “Why are you like this, Lukita?” His voice showed a serious concern and he leaned over Luka’s face to kiss him tenderly. “Has anyone hurt you? Who made you think so low of yourself and of your own body?” He caressed his cheek comfortingly before kissing him again. “You can tell me everything – “

Luka bit his lip; the answer was simple, so simple it wasn’t even worth mentioning.

“Have you been assaulted or something?”

Luka shook his head decisively. “No, nothing of that kind – nobody has done anything to me, this is just me and my stupid brain – “ He laughed helplessly. “I don’t know why I’m like this – I just hate myself and the way I look and how stupid I am to think about this now – “

“I think it’s the high time to make you think better of yourself – “

“Can you still turn off the light please?”

“No.” He smiled upon seeing Luka’s shocked face; because Luka just now realized he’s probably never heard Ivan say “No” to him and it felt so strange. “Luka – “ he said, pressing his lips almost at Luka’s ear to whisper words that made cold shivers run Luka’s spine. “I promise you won’t even remember the lights were on when I’m finished with you.”

His voice was so assured and firm now it impressed Luka but Ivan still asked “Okay?” and waited for Luka’s unsure “Yeah” as a permission to go on.

 "Is it - " Luka started and stopped immediately, realizing how stupid his intended words would sound.

"What?"

"God, I don't know. Is it really _that_ bad - the first time - ?"

 _Fuck_ , maybe he should have drunk more - at least his mind would be so numb he wouldn't care that much.

 Ivan grinned. "That depends - I guess."

"And for you?" Luka asked almost fearfully.

Ivan watched him with amusement, stopping his hand on Luka's chest. "Are you sure you want to hear that?"

" _Please_."

 "But I will still go on - " Ivan warned him playfully, moving his hand down Luka's chest.

"Yeah - "

"Okay." He rubbed a small circle on Luka's belly and leaned over him, letting his other hand get lost in the waves of Luka's soft hair. "I was fifteen." He bent down to kiss the tip of Luka's nose.

Luka really wanted to hear it - he wanted to know everything about Ivan, everything from his past, everything from his life, anything that could make him know this unbelievable guy better - yet he still shivered a little as he heard the word 'fifteen', trying his best to remember what the fuck was he doing when he was fifteen - probably kicking the ball around or spending the time playing some vintage games on the old computer his family had - 

Ivan smiled at him, kissing him on the lips this time, and the affectionate peck was in complete opposite to his words that he said after that. "It was fucking terrifying." He was still laughing softly and planted a few small kisses on Luka's nose and chin again but what he'd just said made Luka frown slightly which he promptly noticed. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing - I just - I guess I was still a kid at fifteen - "

"Luka, it was nothing amazing."

"Then how was it? Terrifying and - ?"

"I shouldn't be talking about it _now_ \- "

"Please." Luka grabbed his hand, staring in his eyes. "I want to know."

Ivan sighed, realizing he won't get out of this easily. "It was really bad. The guy I was with - he was a bit older, but we were still just two stupid teenagers - We watched some porn and thought we know everything - " He smiled assuringly at Luka again and grabbed his hand to bring it closer to his lips.

"Very romantic," Luka laughed. He would have thought he'd be jealous or bitter, listening to Ivan talking about someone from his past, but instead, he felt invested and interested.

"I don't even know if I can actually call it 'my first time'. We didn't really...fuck. He couldn't....well. He tried to do that but I just - I wasn't ready or prepared or whatever. It hurt so much. I told him to stop and he told me to not be such a drama queen and just fucking try to relax - I did but it still didn't change a thing. He just couldn't....get inside. He got very angry and was constantly telling me to shut up and hang on. Then it _really_  started to hurt but - I tried to just bite my lips and be quiet. I don't know, I just wasn't ready - I couldn't handle it. We were both angry and frustrated and I guess that's why it was so fucking terrible in the first place - "

"That's - that's bad - "

"It took me almost two years to try it again. I have thought that maybe I just wasn't into all this physical stuff - I had read some stories about gay guys who actually don't have sex _et cetera_ \- "

"And then?"

"Well, then I got drunk and finally got all the things right."

"Was it with the same guy?"

"No, not the same guy. I guess he would have been still pissed. I feel like he always thought it was all my fault, you know? That I couldn't relax or be calm and everything - "

"Jesus - "

"Yeah, and that was my first time. I guess. It's not always pleasant, Luka. Here you have it."

"That's not very hopeful."

"Are you stressed yet?"

"Yeah." reached for Ivan's face with a somewhat sad smile. "But I'm always stressed."

He thought it was funny and in the next moment, he thought it was actually _ridiculously funny_ to be talking in a bed about all of this, with Ivan leaning over him, with his warm, calming hand on Luka's belly.

"Then I guess we're good," Ivan answered with a smile but immediately returned back to his serious expression. "That's why I'm here for you. If you don't like something - just tell me or kick me or anything, really. Just remember to scream, okay? It's okay tonight if you're vocal. It's okay if you're loud." His hand slowly, painfully slowly moved down in between Luka's thighs, ostentatiously ignoring his obviously hard cock. "You can be as loud as you want, actually," he mumbled, shifting his whole body down so he would get closer to what was to be the center of his attention. "I love your voice."

His fingers finally got rid of the already loose belt of the bathrobe that was still holding the whole thing together, and he opened it up completely, leaving Luka lying naked on it.

"You smell so good - " he whispered, laying a soft kiss on Luka's rapidly rising and falling chest. " _Fresh Lemongrass_ , am I right?"

"It was the first gel I noticed."

"It's my favorite. Reminds me of summer. And now - " he traced his fingertips over the spot he'd kissed before. "It will remind me of you."

One specific memory got into Luka's mind all of sudden - _Passionate, chivalrous, and thoroughly enchanting, this magical Pisces man is easy to fall in love with_.

How true was that?

He giggled, though he was out of breath and had to pant quietly, feeling Ivan's weight on the top of himself.

"You're gorgeous, Lukita," Ivan whispered, kissing the side of his neck, his chest, his barely visible abs, further down, past his belly button - 

Luka moaned, grabbing the cloth of his bathrobe in his fist.

Yes - yes - _fucking yes_ , finally, Ivan's lips were put to use.

Ivan's breath was raspy and hot and it felt amazing. "Luka - you can put your legs on my shoulders."

"Yeah - "

He felt unbelievably exposed and vulnerable to anything, almost as if he was laying in a hospital or on some torture machine, but there was no pain nor terrifying fear, just Ivan's soft palms moving down his hips to hold him in place as his head slowly bobbed down - 

Ivan's mouth felt incredible. It was only a natural reflex that Luka wrapped his legs around Ivan's shoulders, digging his heels in his back in a poor attempt to make him move faster, go down, swallow more of his length - 

 He was so easily out of breath and when Ivan's lips and tongue moved even lower, he just choked on air, unable to even let out a scream although if he could, he definitely would scream at the top of his lungs because this new feeling was thousand times better, stranger and - unbelievable; he just couldn't push the thought of it being gross out of his mind - Thank God Ivan told him to take a shower because otherwise, he would die of embarrassment in that spot - 

He arched his back, unable to control his body's responses to Ivan's hand that wrapped his cock at its base, and even less to his skillful tongue, caressing, massaging and relaxing him just like his lips did.

Ivan was out of breath too, and somehow his raspy panting made Luka bite his lip and want to listen to it forever.

"Have you ever tried - anything, really? Like - some toy - or fingers - "

"No."

His already flushed cheeks turned an even darker shade of red because _he had thought about that_ , many times, actually, but never got the nerves to do it, not in his bedroom at home, not in his new apartment in Barcelona.

"Alright."

"Ivan - " he gasped desperately with closed eyes, unable to even lift himself up on his elbows, and reached his hand blindly somewhere towards the place where Ivan was supposed to be.

And Ivan accepted, gently squeezing his little fingers in his sweaty palm.

"I'm here."

 Luka exhaled shakily, closing his eyes. Yes, Ivan was here. _Ivan, Ivan, Ivan_ , only Ivan and him.

Ivan entangled their fingers and kept going, his lips were so nifty and soft and they seemed to be _everywhere_ , that was at least how Luka felt under his kisses and light brushes of his hot breath and the nibbling and suckling and he was pretty sure he was doomed to an abrupt ending soon if this continued.

"Ivan," he moaned, pushing his head back into the pillow and mattress. " _Ivan_ \- "

" ' feels good, right?"

"It's so - " Luka panted as Ivan continued. "So much - _Oh God, go on_ \- "

He missed the heat of Ivan's lips and tongue already after a few seconds and he needed them back - and _yes, it still felt somewhat dirty_ but how could he resist this feeling? He dug his heels even harder into Ivan's shoulders, hoping Ivan would forgive him if he was hurting him, and his toes curled at the spreading wave of pleasure.

"Just - go on - " he begged. With his free hand, he covered his eyes as if that was to help him somehow compose himself. 

The wet heat of Ivan's hungry mouth was gone, but their hands were still clasped together.

"Lukita - baby, look at me. What's wrong?"

It took Luka a few seconds and a few deep breaths to be able to put his hand away from his eyes and look at Ivan, who was by now kneeling in between his legs; actually, with Luka's legs positioned on his shoulders, _so close_ \- yet still with his trousers on.

Luka opened his mouth, desperate to say something, maybe ask him to hurry up, because he sure won't last very long like this, but there were only two words in his mind.

_Fuck me._

_Fuck me._

Maybe _Please, fuck me._

He'd never thought he would ever want to say that to anyone, or more likely, he never met anyone worth saying it to. Until Ivan.

Fuck me, Ivan.

He was just wondering how it would sound out loud.

"Fuck me, Ivan. Please."

"Luka, I'm not gonna fuck you. I'm gonna make love to you."

 Luka had to bite his lower lip to prevent himself from giggling and moaning at the same time. _Make love to you_ \- It sounded so perfect in Ivan's sultry voice.

"Say it again - "

Ivan smiled, taking Luka's legs off his shoulders and then climbing over him, supporting himself on his arms that he practically trapped Luka within. "I'm gonna make love to you - slow, and careful at first because I wouldn't want to hurt you."

His eyes finally met Luka's again.

"And then we'll find the perfect rhythm - our bodies as one, me and you - and maybe it will be a bit faster - because I can see how much you need it."

"Come on," Luka whimpered. "I want you - "

"I'll just get the condoms and lube." 

He gave Luka a small peck on the tip of his nose and with a smile, he got up from the bed.

Luka was still panting, sprawled on the bed and on his open bathrobe, unable to take it off completely since that would require some movement from him but he didn't want to move a bit, not unless Ivan would tell him to; because tonight, he wanted to be there just for Ivan and to listen to him only, to let him lead him and make him his in all the possible ways.

"You know when I bought these condoms?" Ivan asked, coming back to the bed and dropping the small package on Luka's chest playfully. Luka grabbed it and inspected it, well, it was just a small blue box, the one kind he's seen in the shop all the time and never thought he would actually get to use - 

"When I went to pick you up from the airport."

Luka heard the sound of unzipping pants and could tell Ivan was getting rid of the last pieces of clothing by the bed so he would be completely naked before getting back in it. "I had it all planned so well."

"Yeah?"

The bed squeaked a little as Ivan climbed back on it and Luka couldn't resist touching him - starting at his muscled arms and chest.

"I thought I would pick you up from the airport, drive you to your place, get invited inside and then - you know, I'd tell you how much I've missed you and - we would celebrate your return by this." He took the package from Luka's hand and opened it.

"Oh."

Luka watched Ivan skillfully open the package.

"Can I - ?" he asked abruptly, reaching for the condom.

"Are you sure you can do that right?" Ivan mocked him.

God, how could he be so turned on, horny, yet so relaxed and comfortable and in such a happy, carefree mood with Ivan? The guy was really turning his head.

"Yeah, don't worry, they taught me at school." He sat up, looking at Ivan's face. 

Ivan chuckled but the quiet laughter died off as the breath caught in his throat the second Luka's hands touched him. "Oh God - Luka - you're so beautifully clumsy - I love that."

Luka was way too invested in touching Ivan, he couldn't even take time to react. 

"Good, good, that's perfect - come on, Luka. Lie down on your back again." Ivan grabbed the bottle of lube and positioned himself on his old place in between Luka's legs.

Luka whined and jerked his hips at the unpleasant feeling at first but then, he focused more on the other sensation, the sensation of Ivan's fingers moving in small circles, massaging his entrance. "Wrap the legs around my waist now, okay?" Ivan was still keeping the eye-contact with him as his hand moved and Luka didn't dare to breathe in that short moment, just so Ivan would not think he's hurting him.

"Is it okay, baby?"

"Y-yeah. Perfect."

"You're taking it all so well," Ivan praised him, pushing one finger inside him slowly.

It was - _okay_.

Then another.

Luka hissed, squirming a little.

"Good, it's good. Just breathe in and out and try to push a little. Or just relax if you can."

Ivan's other hand wrapped his cock in an attempt to fool his body and make it focused on the pleasure than pain; though it wasn't exactly pain, Luka would never call it that; it was just an unusual and not exactly pleasant feeling. But it seemed to work. Slowly, with so many inhales and exhales - and still, Ivan's voice was just as reassuring and in the beginning.

"It's much better, right? You're much more relaxed now, baby."

"Ivan, please - if you don't hurry up - "

"I know, I know. Come on, wrap your legs around me - so good. You can press me closer or push me away, okay? Anytime, Luka. Anytime. If you feel like that."

Instead of an answer, Luka just arches his back a little. Fuck, he's definitely gotten used to this feeling.

Ivan is taking his time, he even removes his fingers slowly and it's killing Luka who can barely hide his eagerness anymore, and whose ability to speak got shamefully reduced to a neverending chant _IvanpleaseIvanpleaseIvanplease_.

 When Ivan pushes inside him, with thousands of calming kisses and reassuring touches, it feels like a deliverance. A slightly painful and not easy one, but still a deliverance - Luka takes a deep breath and although his voice breaks, he still can speak again. "Ivan - oh my God, Ivan! - come here, come here, I need you - "

Ivan won't let him take control, not tonight, and he doesn't get tempted by his frantic plea to go faster or deeper; instead, he slows down, rubs Luka's hips that are desperately trying to encourage him to _hurry up_ and carefully positions himself over Luka, making him keep his legs wrapped around his waist so he still has the best angle.

"You're so perfect, baby," he mumbles, lowering himself down so he can practically lay down on top of Luka's body, though all his moves are still careful; he doesn't want to make any sharp or sudden movement that could hurt.

Luka's teeth are gritted and he appears to be in pain anyway, that's the first thing Ivan notices as he goes deeper - but when he tries to stop or even pull back, he notices he can't. Luka himself is forcing him to go on, pulling him closer with the force of his surprisingly strong legs.

"Come on," he cries quietly, reaching his hands out to grab Ivan's shoulders and pull him down on his chest. "Ivan - I love you. I love you so much."

His voice gets stuck a little and he speaks with a certain difficulty but doesn't give Ivan any actual time to answer.

"I'll get used to it, Ivan - don't worry - I just want you like his now. Please. I need it."

"It's okay, baby." The press of Luka around him is breathtaking, especially in the combination with Luka's greedy legs and now even arms wrapped around his body possessively, not letting him go.

"I love you so much," Luka repeats and it's not even close to what he actually feels.

The only pain he feels by now is the one in his heart - the one that tightens around his neck even more than the pain of the first sex.

It feels like he loves too much and his poor heart can't take it.

"I know, baby. I love you too."

And Ivan stayed lying on top of him, while still supporting himself on his elbows, careful to not hurt Luka with his body weight, and he lowered down to Luka's face to kiss him again, closing even the last tiny bit of space that was separating them by now.

"Just enjoy this moment," he mumbled when their lips parted again and he watched Luka's brave attempts to put on a shaky smile. "There's no need to rush."

"I know."

Luka closed his eyes again, just to make sure Ivan wouldn't see the tears that formed in the corners of his eyes because he could misread them.

They were not tears of pain, though they easily could be.

They were the tears of realization that this perfect man, the Blaugrana supporter from the pub, Ivan with Croatian parents, Ivan Raketa from Instagram, the most handsome man he's ever seen with the most beautiful and softest eyes, was there with him, in him, everywhere around him as if they really were one body and one soul.

And he could only wish it would always be like this.


	26. Chapter 26

Luka woke up in the morning feeling overly hot as he was wrapped in a blanket that was too warm for him, though he was naked. _Naked_ \- he just realized that. But the sleep was nice even like that - or maybe _because_ of that, and because of Ivan's warm body snuggled close to his. Ivan had his eyes still closed and he was snorting quietly; in a calm, soft manner that Luka didn't mind in the slightest. He looked absolutely peaceful and calm like that, with his short blonde hair messed around his head and the pillow as a halo, and with his half-parted lips, taking in deep breaths and then exhaling with the quiet snort - Luka couldn't help but smile upon hearing that.

His heart was melting.

He reached out with his hands and carefully touched Ivan's cheek - and Ivan didn't even react, he just stayed in his world of dreams.

Luka quietly got up and out of the bed, careful not to make any noise - he collected the white bathrobe and put it on, since sleeping naked with Ivan was okay but walking around his house like that seemed to be a bit awkward; and he went on to explore the house a bit. His head hurt a little - maybe he actually had a bit too much to drink last night, though he didn't feel like that then; but as he walked, he remembered the better part of the night, blushing furiously and feeling both full and empty because of the new feelings that night gave him.

 Well, he was not a stupid twenty-two years old virgin anymore, as he called himself once.

It was just a stupid _twenty-two year old_ now.

He smiled, running down the stairs. The living room was as quiet as the whole house, only the two champagne glasses could give away some sign of a party that has been here yesterday. He came to the kitchen, unsure what he actually wanted to do there.

Prepare breakfast? He would love to - but he wasn't sure about what Ivan might like to have, and also it seemed strange to be doing anything at somebody else's kitchen, he knew himself too well and he knew just how clumsy and helpless he could get, well, Ivan called him 'beautifully clumsy' yesterday as well - 

Ivan called him _so many things_. It all still resonated in his ears and made him feel the same fuzzy and happy warmth inside his chest.

He took in a deep breath while looking around. He might at least prepare some tea or coffee - nothing can go wrong with that. The real question was - does Ivan drink tea or coffee in the morning? Or does he drink juice? There must be some juice left from the cocktails they made yesterday at the party - God, there was just too many options to choose from it left Luka helpless. And which kind of tea or juice would Ivan prefer anyway? These unanswered questions, simple yet somehow intimate, were driving Luka crazy. How come they had sex, the most beautiful, tender and loving kind of sex that Luka could wish for, and he couldn't tell whether Ivan would better like green or black tea?

He sighed and grabbed an empty glass from the kitchen counter. After all, last night's drinking left him thirsty - and their night activities did as well. Though Ivan was really caring and he brought him a glass of tap water from the bathroom before they actually went to sleep - 

Luka could feel his heart skip a beat as he thought of Ivan again. He missed him so much now, although he knew that he's just sleeping upstairs. A strong urge to go back to the bedroom to check if he's still asleep crept in his mind - what if he wakes up alone in the bed? That wouldn't be fair.

He filled his glass with some water and thirstily chugged it all down, in the process he has finally decided to at least put some water in the kettle to boil, which he managed to do in the same time as he finished drinking his water. He turned the electric kettle on and turned around.

"Good morning, beautiful."

Ivan was standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but black boxers, with his hair tousled on one side.

"God, you scared me. I just wanted to go upstairs to see if you're still sleeping - "

"I woke up because I missed your body next to mine."

Ivan made a few small steps closer and Luka couldn't take his eyes off his chest and arms, his body just looked so good - and if felt even better at night. He swallowed hard and licked his dry lips.

"And I opened my eyes, feeling cold and lonely," Ivan continued. Luka actually frowned because the way Ivan had said _cold and lonely_ sounded so heartbroken and pitiful it made him want to hug him and kiss his forehead. "For a moment, I have thought that maybe you left - you know, in the morning, sneaking out of this house with the first rays of sunshine - "

"I would never leave you like that," Luka interrupted him.

"That's good to hear." Ivan made a few steps to him and with great affection, he tucked some of his hair behind his ear. Luka smiled at that gesture, it has actually become his favorite thing in Ivan - the way he would show his love without saying anything while just messing with his hair, wrapping his hand around Luka's shoulders or waist. "What are you doing here? Making breakfast?"

 "I - I thought about it but I'm not sure what you like for breakfast - "

Ivan laughed and the sound of his heartfelt laughter filled Luka's heart with pure happiness. "You're just incredible." Ivan's hand stopped in Luka's hair and he pulled his head closer until he could almost brush his lips against Lua's cheek. "You know what I like for my breakfast?"

 Luka froze - the voice was just irresistible, so subtle and low it just sent those strange vibrations in the air, and he was almost afraid to look Ivan straight in his eyes in fear he might drown in them. 

"Hop on this," Ivan tapped his hand on the kitchen counter behind Luka's back. Luka giggle, not moving, but Ivan was being serious. "Come on."

"'kay," he said, doing as he was told. The fluffy bathrobe was very useful now, at least he didn't have to sit on the cold surface. Ivan stood right in front of him, and as he noticed in a millisecond - right in between his legs. Ivan's hands were slowly pushing them apart, Luka's weak resistance had no chance - his knees were now aligned with Ivan's hips.

"You know what I like to have in the morning?" he asked, still pushing Luka's knees apart. The rim of the bathrobe was slowly getting still further and further up and soon, it wasn't even covering his thighs properly - the belt got loose and the bathrobe itself has stopped serving its purposes - it was just a cloth, draped over some parts of Luka's body, while not actually hiding much - Luka instinctively tried to close his legs again but Ivan's hands were stronger.

"I like me some fresh Croatian," he mumbled before burying his face in the crook of Luka's neck, nibbling the sensitive skin there. "Just like this," he breathed out against the skin, and then he sank his teeth playfully in Luka's exposed shoulder.

 The sudden dirty turn their conversation took was unexpected to Luka - he gasped for air and Ivan's nifty fingers just pulled the bathrobe off his shoulders to expose even more of his vulnerable body. 

"Ivan," he moaned dreamily, throwing his head back under the touch of Ivan's hungry lips. 

 "Don't you like this morning routine?"

Luka exhaled shakily. He noticed the sound of the kettle switching off as the water was boiled now. Ivan just pulled away at that moment.

"So what is it then? Tea or coffee?" he asked, and his voice sounded unexpectedly normal and composed. 

"Green tea," Luka said in a haze, slowly opening his eyes. He didn't really expect Ivan to respond to the water being boiled - and he sure didn't expect him to actually go and make something to drink. He quickly reached for his hand, stopping him from leaving him sitting on the top of the counter alone.

"Leave it be," he mumbled almost incoherently, placing his both hands on Ivan's cheeks that fitted so perfectly in them. "It can wait."

"And you cannot?" Ivan grinned. 

"I feel so...incompelte without your touch. Part of me is missing - " He parted his lips, with eyes fixed on Ivan's own puffed ones - a kiss was the only thing he craved, a kiss more needed than a sip of water on a hot summer day, a kiss that would flush away the pain from feeling so cold and alone when Ivan's hands were not all over him. The one night must have ruined him forever - he was sick and the only cure that would make him feel better was the simple brush of Ivan's life-giving lips against his.

"One night and you become this clingy?"

"I've always been this way."

 "Oh. I must have been too taken by your beauty to notice then - "

Luka blushed furiously, looking down at his feet. His parted legs were so close to Ivan's hips, just in the right height and position - 

It didn't take him even two seconds to decide what to do next. He just wrapped his legs around Ivan's hips, admiring how smooth Ivan's skin was and just how tight the cloth of his briefs seemed to be when he brushed his calves against it. 

Ivan let out a surprised " _Oh_ " as Luka pulled him closer to the counter solely with the power in his legs.

 "Wanna do it here?" he asked, taking some of Luka's hair in his fist, playing with it roughly. "Instead of breakfast?"

 "Before breakfast - and after breakfast - "

He couldn't really tell where these cheeky words were coming from - he was never the kind of person to say anything like this out loud.

The playful sparkle in Ivan's eyes was enough of an assurance that he was up for this. "It's like watching a flower go into the full bloom - " He placed his hands on Luka's thighs, slowly rolling the rim of the bathrobe up. "Where is my shy Lukita who almost run away when I tried to talk to him for the first time?"

"He's still right here." Luka stopped breathing for a moment when Ivan opened his bathrobe - and found out Luka wasn't wearing anything underneath it.

"Look at you," he murmured, brushing his lips against Luka's cheek. "You can't walk around this house like that."

"I couldn't find my underwear - I left everything in the bathroom here downstairs so I just - put on this bathrobe when I woke up - "

"There's my awkward clumsy boy," Ivan said almost proudly, engaging his hands in the game with Luka's body. He pressed his lips on Luka's neck, nibbling and playing with the skin with his tongue, and Luka exhaled, arching his back a little, stirring thoughts running through his mind.

"Is it - is it normal?" he asked, half scared and half aroused by the way Ivan's fingers just seemed to pick up where they left his body last night. "That I want you so much - I can't think of anything else now?"

The most beautiful smile spread across Ivan's lips. "Yeah, I guess."

"I can't - I can't go home - " Luka said with difficulty as Ivan's lips continued to trace down his neck. "I would miss you - too much - "

"You can stay here as long as you want."

"Danijel is not coming back until tomorrow - "

"Well you don't have to be with him all the time, am I right?"

"No, of course not."

"I think that after last night you have no reason to be afraid to stay with me here. Right?"

Luka smiled, nodding. He placed his hand on the back of Ivan's neck, holding onto it, making Ivan lift his head up and stop all the nibbling and suckling - and just look him in the eyes. 

"Thank you, Ivan." His voice broke in the middle of the sentence; and the rest was just a weak, emotional whisper. "Thank you for all you do for me."


	27. Chapter 27

"Look who's home!" Suba exclaimed happily, dropping his bags on the floor as soon as he crossed the apartment threshold. Luka could hear that even from the living room where he's been sitting since morning, with thighs covered with papers of his revision for the first exam; though in fact, his concentration was getting challenged every time his phone beeped.

"Hi!" he said, throwing all the study material down on the carpet. He got up and hurried to the door. Danijel was just getting out of his shoes and Luka stood there, watching him, giggling awkwardly because his first intention was to hug him and welcome him back. He didn't know when he became such a cuddly person - well, maybe he did and maybe he wanted to jump in Suba's arms at once and tell him everything, absolutely everything that's been on his mind since they parted.

"So - " Suba straightened his back, looking at him with an amused grin. "I see you survived the party in the end."

"Yeah, yeah I did. And thank you so much again - I didn't mean to bother you or ruin your New Year's Eve."

"Come on. You broke my heart with that phone call - and fucking scared me to death."

"I'm sorry," Luka mumbled but Suba just waved his hand. 

"Whatever - So, are you still with that Raketa guy?"

Luka felt his own cheeks flush. "Yes - "

"Good, good." Danijel picked up his stuff and slowly walked towards the bedroom door as if for him, the question has already been answered.

Luka knew he would probably look like the worst gossiping girl but he just couldn't keep all his secrets to himself - because except for Danijel, who else would listen to him? He had no closer friends, and he was definitely not going to call home to tell all the juicy details to his parents. "Actually - " he pointed out, following Suba to the bedroom. "I stayed with him - you know - after that party."

Danijel arranged his bags by his bed and looked at him, obviously not getting the grip. "What?"

"I stayed - I stayed with him, I mean, like, the whole night afterward."

"Oh." Suddenly, Suba's eyes widened. "OH. Yeah, I get it - " He still looked a bit confused. "Well - hurray for you. And congratulations, I guess."

 Luka laughed, smirking.

"So," Danijel continued, working hard to find the right words. "Everything - went okay?"

"Oh, yes, very okay," Luka assured him, feeling his heart flutter at the memory. "He was really gentle with me - and patient and everything, maybe too patient, I just - "

"Yeah, yeah, I get it. Keep those juicy details to yourself, for God's sake."

 "Sure. But - tell me one thing, okay?"

"Yeah?"

"When you...when you first slept with Antonia - "

Suba's eyebrows quickly shot up in surprise. "Well?"

"How did you - how did you start thinking about anything else after that? I mean - how did you even manage to live your life - because I can't think of anything else then when am I going to visit him next...or what would I if I were with him now - " He was starting to blush, knowing this might have been a terrible question to ask. "I don't - I don't really have any goals now, I don't care if I fail all my exams - I just wanna be with him again."

"Aren't you a little sex crazed freak?"

"No, I don't even mean it in a sexual way... I wouldn't mind cuddling or just sitting next to him and holding his hand or something - how am I supposed to live my old life now?"

"Don't worry, this will all become a routine."

"Really?"

"Well, the first weeks are great and everything - but soon you'll find yourself wondering why the hell he wants to go eat out or what stupid movie he'd like to watch...."

"No, it can't be true - "

"Not exactly but - you know what I mean, some annoying stuff, some bad stuff, some troubles. It's not all a rainbow ride in a relationship, you know?"

 "I don't really think that would be my case - "

"Oh, wait and you'll see."

"Alright," Luka shrugged. He felt the phone he'd put in his pocket buzz a while ago and had no intention to prolong the talks with Suba. "I'll just - check something - "

"Don't worry about that," Danijel winked at him, going to open up his luggage. "We'll talk again when there are the first clouds on the sky - "

Ivan, of course, it was Ivan writing to him again, who else could it be? Luka's hands were actually shaking from the excitement, though his last messages to Ivan has been sent only about an hour ago - it felt like years by now.

 

_I actually forgot to ask you something_

_during the party you know?_

 

Luka blushed, giggled, licked his lips, sighed, then giggled again upon seeing Ivan's avatar in the conversation, and finally got to writing his response.

 

_yeah? what is that?_

 

_will you go to a concert with me?_

_my brother got me two tickets for christmas_

_and I thought it would be nice to go with you x_

 

 _A concert_? Luka immediately thought of a piano suite, men in jackets and ladies in evening gowns; a concert of classical music.

 

_yes, of course!_

_I would love to_

 

_do you know the Hives?_

_it's them_

 

"So what is it now?" Suba asked with a hint of joking. 

"He wants to take me to a concert," Luka mumbled, trying to hide his embarrassment of not having any idea what band Ivan was talking about.

"Oh. Poor guy, doesn't know your bad taste - "

"It's not a bad taste. Do _you_ know _The Hives_?"

"Me? Well of course. It's that - very famous band... Very popular. Er - and successful. Their unique sound is - really something."

"You don't know shit about them."

"Well, I'm not going to their concert, huh?"

"Should I not go then? He will think I'm stupid and that I have no basic knowledge - "

"What the fuck, Luka? I was joking - of course you can go there. He wants you to go, right? Then you should."

 "But - I really don't know anything about them - I guess we don't even have that much in common - "

"For Christ's sake I don't listen to the same music as Antonia - you don't have to be the same exact copy of him?!"

"It would still be awkward."

"Just get to know the biggest hits and you'll be fine."

"You think so?"

"Yeah! Be a plastic fan for once. See, it's like supporting Madrid with knowing only Ronaldo."

Luka sneered, nodding. "Okay, I guess I'll try."

He got back to writing the message.

 

_of course!_

_that's so cool_

_I can't wait!_

 

_great!_

_27.1_

_that's the day_

_;)_

 

_Thank you so much_

_i really really really love you_

 

_♥_

 

He spent the whole night listening to the  _Lex Hives_ album.

It sounded nothing like a piano suite.


	28. Chapter 28

"I fucking hate this!"

Luka threw the paperback book on a floor with a very frustrated sigh, which made Danijel look up from his laptop in surprise. "What the hell?"

 "I just can't take it anymore! It's so stupid - why does it matter which motherfucker came up with which theory?"

"Oh, you're having a great time studying, I see."

"Come on! It's the stupidest course, I haven't learned anything and all I have to do is learn some fucking names and years? Why, what for? I don't even know how the theories are called, they don't mean anything! What is that - some theory about how people in different regions, with different background and wages and all that shit, have different political views? I mean - wow, without this fucking course, I wouldn't have known!" He was practically yelling by the end of his speech.

"Take a walk, for fuck's sake!" Suba shouted back.

"Sorry - " Luka mumbled in response, feeling guilty for having yelled, but he still sat up on his bed anyway.

"Take your frustration somewhere else."

"I can't! I have a fucking exam tomorrow and if I fuck up, I'll have to make it in the second attempt - "

"You don't need to be so stressed about it then!"

"Ah, fuck you!"

"Shut up, I'm trying to read this article."

In the next moment, Danijel heard a strong punching sound of Luka punching the wall next to his bed repeatedly, and it made him turn on his chair in surprise. Luka could be annoying sometimes, impatient and stressed, but he never used to take his frustration out in a physical way like this.

"What's the matter with you?"

Luka sighed, shaking his head. 

"Luka, either tell me what's the fuck is wrong with you or please remove your ass from this room."

 "I don't know, okay? I just feel so nervous and stressed - "

"Call Ivan and tell him to calm you down, for fuck's sake." 

"It's not just about him!" Luka cried out in desperation, burying his face in the pillow. "Well - maybe it is mostly about him - " he mumbled there, though his words were hardly audible. "I'm not even sure anymore - "

Suba exhaled dramatically before turning his swivel chair around to face Luka. "So?"

"I realized - " He lifted his head, looking at Danijel with desperation written all over his face. "I realized that - you know, now it's January, then February, which is so short, and March and April - "

"Yeah, I know months."

"And suddenly, it's May and - and we go home - "

"Come on, it's like five months still."

"But what will happen then? I can't possibly smuggle him to Croatia in a suitcase - "

"Luka, why are you stressing about this now? Think of the concert you're going to, think of these little things and leave all this bullshit for April. I'm sure he knows you're a foreign student who will leave in May or June and he thinks about that too."

"Should I talk to him about it?"

"No! Do you want to spoil this time you have together?"

"No, of course not."

"Then leave it be now. What's the point of stressing yourself now when you can start with it in three or four months?"

"I just can't pretend I'm here forever."

"And wouldn't you stay here with him if he wanted you to?"

 "What? Like - to live with him?" Luka asked with a shock in his voice.

"Oh my God, no - _to stay here in Barcelona just to break up_. Of course to live with him! He's got a whole fucking house for God's sake."

"But - but it's too hard to decide just like that - "

"Yeah, pretty much like any teenage romance, right? A career or Mr. Right - what will the poor heroine choose?"

Luka smirked but immediately went back to his previous anxious self. "It's not just a question of studies versus dating - "

 "Luka, it's always love, I'm telling you. Always."

Luka hung his head in a surrendering gesture.

"Unless you _don't really feel that way_ ," Danijel added, and this time, there was not a sign of mockery nor derision in his tone.

"So - should I just wait for him to bring this up?"

"Yeah."

"And not worry?"

"Sure."

"That's too hard."

"Luka, I'm telling you - enjoy every single fucking moment you get to spend with him, okay? You're in Barcelona, you're young, you're healthy, you have probably the wealthiest and most amazing boyfriend you could ask for, and you still whine about it? Think of me, for God's sake - a simple Croatian whose girlfriend in far away."

 "I'm sorry I always bother you like this - " Luka mumbled, feeling actually ashamed after what Suba has just said. Really, why should he complain?

"I just want to help you, okay?" Suba said firmly, putting a great amount of emphasis on every single word. "You have all the reasons to be happy and yet you still manage to spoil this happiness all by yourself."

"That's me, that's just how it is with me - " Luka admitted sadly, looking at the floor. "I know I have no right to complain about anything - and I still do - but that's just my stupid brain - "

"You know what?" Suba asked, and a lighter, more relaxed tone returned to his voice. "I hope he fucks that brain out of your head anytime soon."

 

 

Magically, he survived the first exam - it was still only a written one so he didn't need to freak out over going to a professor's cabinet to talk to him face-to-face which was something he secretly hated even back in Zagreb. Doing that in foreign language seemed even more terrible but he kept those oral exams for February. So far, he wanted to enjoy some living beforehand. He kept on seeing Ivan regularly throughout the month and stayed in his house overnight three times but in the end, it just wasn't enough. He caught himself every now and then daydreaming about Ivan's smooth skin and soft giggle and his amazing hair, always perfectly styled and gelled or totally messy in the most adorable way - especially after a passionate makeout session when it was Luka who ruined his hairstyle with his nifty fingers.

Ivan never seemed to mind, he always just chuckled, looking at him lovingly. "On the packaging, they said that this gel can keep my hairstyle in place for 24 hours," he often joked, touching Luka's nose. "I think they forgot to mention that one little guy's hands can ruin it in ten seconds."

Luka's heart was melting under all those gentle jokes and touches that Ivan was constantly showering him with. 

He often returned back home from their dates with a silly smile on his face, much to the annoyance of Suba who seemed to be much more occupied by his exams than he was.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, exam period in full bloom and you've been sitting here giggling at a cup of tea for an hour," Suba scolded him one morning as he came to the kitchen for his much-needed cup of bitter black coffee. He's had a rough night - finishing essays about the usage of wood in middle age house-building was never an easy task for midnight time. Luka came home from a date with Ivan and found Suba banging on the keyboard of his laptop like crazy. He didn't dare to ask a thing, just checked over his shoulder what this rushed work was all about, and then went to the bathroom for a quick shower. When he got to bed afterward, Suba was still writing at a frantic pace, and it was the same three hours later when Luka woke up, checked the time on his phone, rolled over and said a simple 'You're crazy'. Suba hummed 'Shut up and go to sleep' in response, and Luka just smiled wearily and gladly obeyed.

"I had a great time with Ivan," Luka said, hugging his mug of already cold tea.

"Ha, looks like someone got laid yesterday."

"Not really," Luka chuckled, blushing a little. It still seemed surreal to him that he had some sex life. In fact, he had more of it than Suba recently. That idea made him laugh even more. "We went to this Italian restaurant which was very nice, had some pasta and then ice cream... And then we walked for a while, up to  _Las Ramblas_... "

"And you had a very _gay_ time I guess."

"Naturally." Luka laughed again over the obvious annoyance and bitterness in his roommate's voice. "What about your essay? Is it finished?"

Suba's face lit up. "Yes!" he said proudly. "And sent - at 3:24."

"Good job. When's the deadline?"

"Today at twelve."

"Impressive."

"I know."

Luka shook his head, still laughing. 

"What's your plan for today?" Danijel asked in a much better mood now. He put some water to boil in the electric kettle and turned to Luka, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "Final arrangements for the big concert night?"

"Yeah, I should probably go shopping," Luka said, stirring the tea in his mug by moving it in circles casually.

"For what? Condoms?"

"Alcohol."

"Are you gonna try and smuggle it inside?"

"No, I'll drink it beforehand."

Danijel's face lost its happy glow again. "I thought you do this only when you're about to meet strangers or something like that."

"Yeah?" This time, Luka's laughter had something nervous and shaky about it. "Well there will be many strangers around, I'm sure." His eyes darted around the room as he laughed. When he noticed Suba was watching him gingerly, he tried to smile, but it was more like a grin, insincere and forced. "You remember the last time I went to a concert?"

Suba furrowed his eyebrows, focusing on digging deep in his memories. "Oh - yeah! The one where you locked yourself in that toilet stand and called me?"

Luka's grin and laughter grew even more anxious from just remembering it.

 It was actually more than a year ago; last spring, he and Suba and a couple of other people decided to go to a concert in a newly open music bar in Zagreb; just a fun Friday night with a couple of friends in a venue that was not even that big. They agreed to meet there at seven, with the concert starting at eight - Luka arrived at quarter past seven as his previous sporadic night out taught him it's always better to come late than early. Unfortunately for him, that night all his friends faced some troubles when getting there and he was still the first one of their group to arrive. He tried to play it cool and wait for them as a normal person would, but his mind couldn't take it. _You're waiting for your friends, but you're all alone now. You look like a loser. You look like you have no friends. Everyone here sees you're all alone. You look like the worst fail of a young guy. Going to a concert alone? Wow. Who does that?_   _And what if Suba doesn't arrive soon?_ _What if Ante comes first? What will you do? You don't really know him, what are you going to talk about? He's gonna know how boring you are, that's sure._ He paced around the hall for a while, eyes fixed on his phone and the facebook group where he wrote a desperate "Where are you all?" which got no response. Then he got so tearful he rushed to the bathroom and into one of the stalls there. He sat down on the toilet seat, trying to calm down, with great difficulties to breathe as silently as possible so nobody can hear him sob. He tried to call Suba at least three times, gagging at his own tears the whole time, thinking about his own stupidity. When Suba finally called him back, he just desperately prolonged their talk over the phone until Danijel was finally there by the entrance - and just then, he managed to get out of the stall. Yes, it was stupid, and yes, he felt horrible for his behavior - but he couldn't help it. It took him some time to be able to go out anywhere with his friends again, and since then, the only places where he would go without feeling stupid and anxious were pubs and bars where he knew he could get himself drunk easily. 

Or he just got himself slightly drunk before going anywhere. Simple as that.

"Yeah, that one."

"That was....that was bad. I really felt sorry for you."

 "Yeah, thanks. That's very helpful."

"You have serious problems."

"You think I don't know?"

"I mean - why the fuck you want to drink before you go anywhere with him? I thought he's like your knight in shining armor - "

"Yes, he is! But I'm still my fucking anxious self, don't you see?"

"So you're planning to get yourself wasted before you go to one small concert?"

"Not _wasted_ ," Luka protested. Suba just shook his head, unable to understand Luka's process of thoughts.

He came closer to the table Luka was sitting by and placed one hand on his shoulder. "Listen, you really should try to stop doing this."

"You think I don't know that?"

"Luka, he's gonna be with you the whole time. You have nothing to feel nervous about."

" _I know_!" Luka stressed out and when Suba just stared at him without answering, he burst out in a desperately helpless laugh.

"Just try to not drink anything beforehand. I'm sure you can buy beer or wine there - but try to stay completely sober at least until you arrive to that venue." Danijel's voice was completely serious, there was nothing Luka could joke about except for his own mental health, and that didn't seem to be the right choice _now_ when Suba was trying so hard to be helpful.

"He's your boyfriend, for God's sake," Suba continued, squeezing his shoulder. "I thought you would be a bit more relaxed around him."

"I am - around him and _him alone_."

"Then why did you agree to go to a concert if you know that makes you feel anxious?"

"I want to be with him! I want to enjoy the same stuff he does - I want to live the same life he does!"

"You really should see someone to help you with this."

"Some people have it worse."

"Luka, what you're doing is borderline alcoholism."

"That's bullshit."

Danijel shook his head and sighed, realizing their roles have completely changed over the course of their discussion - now Luka was not smiling at all, and Danijel felt sorry for that, since he knew he was the one who made him lose that smile from earlier. "Just don't buy any hard liquor, okay? You don't need that. I'll have one beer with you before you go, and then you can buy something there before the concert starts, I'm sure Ivan won't mind. But don't chug down a whole glass of vodka just to feel better. That's what you have Ivan for."

Luka's lip corners rose up slightly.

"It's a miracle you're going to a concert with him anyway so don't spoil it by being too drunk before the music even starts, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Oh, now I like that, you seem just as depressed as me."

Luka smirked. He wasn't really feeling depressed; only slightly thoughtful about what Suba just told him. 

He had never thought Suba would scold him about anything regarding alcohol, they both had their better and worse days with it, and they've been through some very interesting moments with alcohol running in their veins. While for Suba it was all fun and challenge, Luka has felt for many months or even years that for him having alcohol in his blood was simply a question of survival. Being drunk offered his brain an excuse for any terrible decision and dialogue he underwent. _You made a fool of yourself, you said something stupid, you laughed at your own joke and nobody could understand you? That's okay, you were drunk. That doesn't count._  

 Maybe, after all, Suba was right. He should try going out completely clean and sober.

He did that during his first dates with Ivan. And, in all honesty, he felt so proud of himself afterward.

He should be able to do so even now. 


	29. Chapter 29

Ivan's look when he came to pick him up on the day of the concert almost caused him a heart attack. While he himself opted for the most casual jeans and a black t-shirt with short sleeves, Ivan chose a completely different approach and decided to dress up, picking tight black pants and a plain white shirt, which would look fairly decent had it not been accompanied by a black leather jacket and an equally black choker. The _choker_ had an appropriate effect on Luka - he himself had almost _choked_ upon seeing Ivan in such a fashion, and he gulped, inhaled, exhaled, and took a deep breath again before he was able to say anything at all.

" _Wow_ ," he said, not letting his eyes tear off Ivan's elegant neck with the black collar wrapped tightly around it. Why, _why_ did this man chose to try to be even sexier and more provocative than usual?

"Hop in," Ivan winked. 

 _Fuck_ , even his voice was perfect. Everything this man has ever done, everything he was doing right now - it all seemed perfect to Luka. The way his hair was combed back, the way he was holding the steering wheel casually with one hand while with the other he pulled Luka close for a kiss, the way he smelled of something unnamable, a mixture of aftershave and something new in his car - 

"You look so good."

"Yeah?"

Ivan didn't even seem to be surprised by his words, it was more of a _"So you noticed?"_ kind of voice.

 "What is with that choker?"

"Oh - I just thought it'd look cool."

"Yeah, it does."

It looks ridiculously sexy and it makes him want to kiss and bite Ivan's neck in an almost vampire-way, but Luka doesn't want to act upon it; not just yet anyway. He's just not in the right mood now, or maybe, he doesn't seem to have the nerves to throw himself on Ivan at once. He's only had one can of beer so far. Suba promised him the one beer, and he had kept his promise, as usual, by buying two beers and then sitting down with Luka in the afternoon, talking to him to prevent him from panicking about the upcoming event.

"So what song are you looking for the most?"

Luka smirked, being well aware of his embarrassing lack of knowledge. "I guess _Hate to say I told you so_?" he tried. He remembered this song for a specific reason: while he was listening to the album for the hundredth time, Suba annoyingly looked up some of the lyrics and then, as the first riffs of this song started playing from Luka's laptop aloud, he said ' _Hate to say I told you so_ again?' - 'Yeah,' Luka nodded, trying to feel the beat and understand what Ivan loved about this band so much. 'Well,' Suba replied nonchalantly, 'that should be the anthem of me living with you.'

 _Hate to say I told you so_ indeed, Luka smirked upon remembering that scene. Yes, Suba was almost always right. 

"Good, good, I like the last album the most - " Ivan turned on the radio and pressed some side buttons on the touch display while Luka desperately tried to not bounce his right leg. "I actually love _Patrolling Days_ the most - it has amazing energy and it's insane when they play it live, people always go stage-diving and it has a really _specific atmosphere_ \- "

 "Uh-huh."

Music started blasting out loud in the car, and Luka was glad that at least all that noise could hide the sound of his nervous leg bouncing.

"You've been to their concert before?" he asked, just to keep the conversation flowing as naturally as possible.

"Yeah, two years ago. Well, I've actually seen them at one festival before but I didn't know them then. And I saw only like half of their set. I just liked the energy and music, so I looked them up and started to listen to them."

 While talking, he casually placed his free hand on Luka's thigh. Luka's eyes darted to him in surprise.

"What?"

"You shouldn't do this to me."

Ivan laughed, still focusing on the road in front of him. "Come on, don't be so touchy. I'm just glad you're going with me."

"I'm happy to be here."

"Yeah? That's good."

He smiled and kept his hand on Luka's thigh.

 

 

The venue was fairly small and packed with people; Luka's heart started racing as soon as they got into the line at the entrance. What has he gotten himself into? Sober and going to a concert? That didn't seem like him.

"Is there a bar?" he asked, making it sound like he was just joking.

"Of course." Ivan looked at him with a clear question in his eyes.

"I might need a few shots," Luka laughed nervously.

"I can't really drink much. Maybe one beer and that's it. Or else we're going home on feet."

A stung of embarrassment hit Luka - he didn't even think of Ivan drinking with him and he indeed thought of shots, not beer.

"So we'll have one beer each?" he asked lamely, trying to not sound disappointed.

"Yes, we can. We still have some time."

When they both got their wristbands at the end of the line, Ivan took him by the hand to his surprise. He got used to holding hands outside, on the street or in a park, but here, in a closed space with four walls and so many people surrounding them, he still felt uneasy about it.

"So beer it is?" Luka's hand was lifeless in Ivan's grip and he immediately noticed it. "What's wrong?"

 "Um...the hands - "

"I thought you were okay with this - "

"Yeah, but that was outside."

"Like what, being gay inside is worse?"

"Don't shout so much."

"Luka." Ivan's voice was persuasive but he really spoke quieter now. "If it doesn't feel good, I'll stop."

"No, it does feel good but it's so - "

" - weird? Luka, we were kissing at the airport, remember?"

"Yeah, but here the people are closer and it's just...an unusual feeling for me."

"Wanna get used to it?" Ivan asked, entwining their hands decisively.

Luka nodded without a word.

"Then let's go. The bar's over there."

Nobody was staring at them. Literally - nobody. Luka could always feel the annoyed and disgusted looks of people around, sometimes he was maybe a little oversensitive, but now, following Ivan through the crowded room while holding hands seemed perfectly normal. He wouldn't want to lose him here in the crowds of strangers, that was sure. He managed to arrange their touch better to his likings and he squeezed Ivan's hand hard as if to let him know he's still there, right behind him, and he likes this kind of _being-dragged-into-the-unknown-void_ situation.

They stopped by the bar and Ivan got them two beers.

"Cheers," he said, clinking his glass against Luka's one. Then he leaned in for a kiss.

Luka didn't protest. With a beer in his hand, he felt a bit different. In the case of need, he could at least use the heavy glass as a defense tool.

But nobody was still paying any attention to them and their shows of affection.

"See?" Ivan smiled against his lips. "This place is a safe one."

 Luka had to smile in return and shake his head in surprise at his own stupidity and inexperience. Mario didn't really like going out like this - and where else was he supposed to gain his knowledge?

"Okay," he gave up. "I'm sorry for being overdramatic."

"Luka," Ivan laughed. "There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm glad I can be the one leading you through all of this." He shifted closer, leaning towards Luka's ear, and Luka shivered as he felt his breath on his cheek. "I'm glad I can lead you through all your first times."

He wheezed a little, unable to look Ivan in the eyes thanks to the crazy blushing.

"What do you say, Lukita?"

Ivan's voice sounded so tender yet arousing that all Luka could do was swallow and lick his lips, sweating nervously. Who would have guessed that going to a concert with Ivan would be such torture?

"You're amazing," he whispered and quickly started gulping down the beer from his glass to avoid any further conversation on this subject. Ivan didn't have to even touch him or say anything actually erotic - and still, Luka could feel the tension between them grow as well as his hard-on.

They didn't really talk much while drinking; it was mostly just boring regular stuff that Luka could imagine anyone else say. _This venue is great. The prices are reasonable. The people are amazing. The band sounds great._

But the whole time they were standing there, holding hands, Luka felt safe most of all - safe with the knowledge that Ivan is there with him, and he knows the place, he knows the band, and he's there specifically and only with him.

"Done?" he asked as he saw Luka swallow the last drops of the beer from his glass.

"I need to use the bathroom now," Luka giggled nervously, looking around to see where they were supposed to put their empty pints.

"I'll take it back on the bar," Ivan said, taking his empty glass. "Wait here."

In a moment, he was gone. Luka looked around, feeling a bit lightheaded. _God, all these people around came to see the same concert as him and Ivan_. He hasn't been to such an event for months. It still didn't feel as strange as being introduced to Ivan's friends on the New Year's Eve party - he would rather forget those shameful moments of his life - but he still started looking around in a few seconds, searching for Ivan. He didn't like being left alone like this.

Ivan came to him from behind and wrapped his arms around Luka's waist. "Well? So far so good?"

Luka, who tensed under the unexpected touch, exhaled and smiled. "Yeah, perfect."

"You wanted to go to the bathroom?"

"Yeah."

"Come on then."

Once again, Ivan grabbed his hand and lead him through the crowded room, back towards the great hall at the entrance where Luka spotted the toilettes signs when they arrived; but Ivan dragged him past them and further towards the main hall.

He tried to protest - maybe it was a naive idea since Ivan obviously knew this place better than him, but he still tried to stop and question Ivan's direction. "The sign was over there - "

"There's another bathroom, closer to the stage," Ivan promised. There were fewer people around them now as everyone seemed to be using the free time before the beginning of the concert for a refreshment in the venue bar. The main hall was still fairly empty, except for space right in front of the stage where the most hardcore fans were occupying the first three or four lines, but all in a good and joyful manner, chatting and drinking some beer from bottles. In the main hall, Ivan let go off his hand and pointed towards the door with no signs at the right side of the room. "It looks very secret, but there's a normal corridor with toilettes behind it. It's just, you know, in the case you really need to go during the set - so you don't have to go all the way back to the entrance - "

Ivan was right; there was indeed a narrow and empty corridor behind the door - Luka had to admit he would have never dared to go to this door if he was here at his first concert and didn't know about this place. 

"It's probably just for the habitués," Ivan laughed when Luka told him so. "If it wasn't for the visitors, it would be locked or at least have a sign like _Do not enter_ or something."

 Luka shrugged, looking around the black tiled bathroom. "I don't care as long as we don't get a fine for being here."

Ivan pushed him further into the room, towards the stalls and urinals. "I'll wait here," he said, walking towards the counter with black marble pattern and three top sinks. He pulled a small comb from the hidden inner pocket of his jacket and started combing his hair in front of the mirror like Eddie Cochran or Elvis or any other great rock'n'roll star with hair smoothly slicked back. Luka stopped in the middle of the step he was taking and admired the view.

"What are you staring at?"

Their eyes met in the mirror reflection. Ivan was grinning the same way he did when Luka complimented his looks earlier that night, with the kind of a ' _I know exactly what you're staring at and that you like it_ ' curl in his lip corners.

 "Sorry," Luka mumbled and went to hide in the closest toilet stall.

When he came out of it and went to wash his hands, Ivan was still in front of the mirror, adjusting his hair to perfection. Luka wiped his hands in the paper towels while watching him.

" _Mirror mirror on the wall_ ," he said, throwing the towels away and making the two or three steps closer to his boyfriend. " _Who's the fairest of them all_?"

He hugged Ivan from behind, looking over his shoulder; thanks to their height difference he couldn't even rest his chin there without having to stand on his tiptoes uncomfortably.

Ivan smiled, putting the hair comb back in his pocket in a real rock'n'roll star manner. " _Okay, I'm handsome_ ," he said with only a hint of cockiness, " _that might be, but my Lukita is far better than me_." He turned to face Luka, who was giggling uncontrollably at the made-up rhymes, and took his face in his warm hands. "You are so beautiful," he mumbled, looking down at Luka's lips. He knew this kind of look. It started off innocently, with Ivan holding him in his arms, telling him all those stupid little things, making his heart melt and his knees go weak, and then, all of sudden, Ivan's lips were all over his and their bodies were pressed together, hands clasped and breath shared - 

It was no different now. Ivan's hand found its way up Luka's back, stroking him along his spine, crawling up until it reached his golden locks, and then he took a grab of Luka's hair and made him tilt his head back, a gesture of possessiveness and power that Luka shamelessly adored, and kissed him deeply, forcing Luka to open his mouth and accept the type of kissing.

He tasted of beer and salt and his body was vibrating with the familiar warmth and energy as always when they got in a situation similar to this, although before it was never in a public place.

"Luka," Ivan gasped for air as their lips parted. Luka didn't wait for him to finish his sentence, he kissed him back in return, continuing the battle of their tongues which he was losing badly - and couldn't care less. "We still have some time," Ivan panted with eyes closed when Luka let go of him again.

 "Okay," Luka said sheepishly, waiting for Ivan to open his eyes so he could stare in them with devotion. Ivan smiled at it and caressed Luka's heated cheek.

"Come on then." He dragged him along to the last toilet stand, closed and locked the door behind them singlehandedly and turned to Luka who's been holding his breath since they stopped kissing. "Close the toilet seat and sit down," he whispered, and his voice, quiet and closed in between the four walls that were so close, sounded even huskier than before. 

Luka nodded, focusing on Ivan's puffed lips and the way he licked them right after he instructed him what to do.

 He sat down as Ivan told him to. _Was he really doing this_? _He wasn't really drunk - how come he was doing this_?

Ivan came closer and leaned down to him. "You need to be quiet," he whispered, holding Luka in place with his hand. "For _once_."

Luka blushed, nodding.

When Ivan sank to his knees and placed his hands on Luka's belt, he finally managed to exhale.


End file.
